Come December, postmodern girls like Cool Honey realize that, frankly, they have better things to worry about than tribal alliances, which require commitment (at most) or a choice (at least) to celebrate either Jesus, the miracle of the oil lamp or Rama’s arrival. As if she wasn’t already overextended by the prospects of dry winter skin, static electricity and coiffure-trashing hat-head, the thought of having to reconcile her confusion about the ultimate nature of the universe sounds like enough to push Cool over the edge.
Let the others choose! Cool Honey hereby chooses to choose not! After all, at the end of the day, don’t we all bow down to that shrine known as the economy of giving and getting? Don’t we all practice that ritual known as wrapping and receiving?
Cool can’t discern if her unwillingness to choose means she wants to embrace or to ignore cultural difference. But whatever! Instead of picking one, she’s going to celebrate them all with a holiday she likes to call Christmahanukwanzaa. For others interested in appropriating Cool’s rootless, hodgepodge festival, what you need to know is that each day you give a gift to a loved one to let them know just how FABULOUS you think they are. And just think of how fabulous they will think you are for thinking so highly of them!
To help you get in the spirit of Christ-mahanukwanzaa, Cool wrote a little holiday song. She’s sure you’ll know the tune.
On the first day of Christmahanukwanzaa, Cool Honey gave to me…a massage that warms you manually.
Ever since she started watching “Oprah” regularly, Mommy Honey has been telling Cool not to buy her a gift. (How the my-favorite-things-diva Oprah inspires renunciation, Cool cannot comprehend.) Just the same, every Christmahanukwanzaa, Mommy Honey hems and haws about how “there isn’t really anything that she really needs.” But you can’t not give a gift to the matriarch anymore than Cool can’t not read the latest issue of Us Weekly when it’s sitting in front of her on a treadmill at the gym. The solution, then, is to buy a gift, so long as the gift is not a thing. Massages, being neither a thing nor resistible, fit the bill. There are tons of massage therapists in town, but for a classy dame like Mommy Honey, Cool opts for the hour-long massage at the Spa at the Boar’s Head Inn ($80).
On the second day of Christmahanukwanzaa, Cool Honey gave to me…a Bob Dylan newly released CD.
In case you missed Martin Scorsese’s highly publicized Bob Dylan documentary No Direction Home on PBS, this CD soundtrack is your chance to revisit all that Bobby D. love without having to hear the insipid musings of nostalgic nobodies like Robert Zimmerman’s childhood dentist. (Ho, ho, snap, Cool Honey!) The two-disc CD has all of Cool’s favorite Dylan ditties, like “Song to Woody,” “She Belongs to Me,” “Visions of Johanna” and “Like a Rolling Stone.” Like the documentary, the No Direction Home soundtrack follows Dylan’s career from acoustic to electric, or, in other words, from good to bad. Lacking in the soundtrack is the vitriolic trip down memory lane with Dylan’s embittered, erstwhile lover Joan Baez. For that, you’ll have to rent the DVD. Plan 9 sells the two-disc box set, which comes with 60 pages of liner notes, for $19.95.
On the third day of Christmahanukwanzaa, Cool Honey gave to me…a Scrabble game to argue verbally.
Ah, the family that plays together stays together. Provided, of course, that the game played is not Scrabble. We’ve all heard urban legends about matrimonial endings and botched friendships all because of this seemingly innocuous board game, available at Shenanigans starting at $22.95. Nonetheless, combining brain scramble and linga-babble, Scrabble provides an outlet for familial discontent under the guise of intellectually engaging quality time. Mad at your brother? Well, why don’t you take it out on him with a double word that starts with a “z.” It’s more clever than slashing his tires and less confrontational than insulting his new girlfriend.
On the fourth day of Christmahanukwanzaa, Cool Honey gave to me…a donation to her favorite charity.
Ever since that “Seinfeld” episode in which George decided to give money to the “Human Fund,” gift charity donations have been viewed somewhat suspiciously. Nonetheless, giving to a charity is a great way to let someone know that they mean more to you than just a thing that can be bought. Sure, Cool Honey loves to buy stuff, but stuff is still just stuff, and more than likely, it’s stuff that no one really needs. Instead of stuff, every Christmahanukwanzaa Cool Honey donates cash to her favorite charity, the Thomas Jefferson Area United Way Community Campaign. The local United Way provides grants to local human services organizations that support children, the elderly, the disabled and the poor. Even better than the gift itself is the fact that your friends will think that you are above the whole “buying” thing so that when they open their gift, they will say, “Oh Cool Honey, you’re soooo postcapitalist!” Not true, but hey, Cool will happily accept the praises of hipsters.
On the fifth day of Christmahanukwanzaa, Cool Honey gave to me… a Beaujolais Nouveau made by a Frenchie.
The third Thursday of November marks the beginning of the Beaujolais Nouveau season. Due to the short fermentation period (five days), the smooth, light, fresh Beaujolais Nouveau goes bad a few months after bottling. Thus, the wine is only in season from December through January, and since you can’t give it for May Day, you really should give it for Christmahanukwanzaa. Cool likes to take bottles of the new Beaujolais as a hostess gift to dinner parties during the Christmahanukwanzaa season. The sheer fact that you know about this wine’s tradition will impress your friends immensely. This impression will come in handy when people actually get around to drinking the wine since the taste of the Beaujolais isn’t all that impressive. Pick up a bottle (or a case) at Market Street Wineshop for $8.95.
On the sixth day of Christmahanukwanzaa, Cool Honey gave to me… a body lotion from old Italy.
When Cool visited Florence, her first stop was Santa Maria-Novella, a frescoed 13th-century basilica designed by the Renais-sance architect Leon Battista Alberti. Unfortunately, as soon as Cool arrived, on the Corriere della Sera she caught sight of a most upsetting headline, which read, “Derrida, morte!” Sure, it was silly for Cool to get teary-eyed over the death of some hatefully pompous French philosopher. For heaven’s sake, Cool, you were in Florence! Alas, it seemed her day was ruined. Ruined, that is, until she stepped inside Santa Maria-Novella’s Farmaceutica where she bought a bottle of latte il corpo di Santa Maria Novella. Moisturized and happy, Cool promptly forgot all about dead Jacques. Since the fabulous Italian moisturizer is sold at And George for $72, Cool loves giving this gift to the Girlfriends. But, of course, Cool also keeps a bottle around for herself. You know, just in case John Updike decides to kick the bucket.
On the seventh day of Christmahanukwanzaa, Cool Honey gave to me…a cashmere sweater (well, at least hopefully).
If you tilt your ear Downtown-ward, you can hear her screech like a well-dressed oracle: “Prada is crap!” “Pleated pants are an abomination!” “Men should not wear t-shirts to restaurants!” Of course, considering the cyclical nature of style, eventually a time will come when Cool regrets most of her bold proclamations. The exception, of course, is this judgment: “There is nothing better than a man in cashmere!” Soft, light, warm, delicately knit, Cool swears that cashmere is the only thing that keeps her from taking up residence in some winter-less locale like Santa Barbara or Belize. To make her own winter more palatable, Cool has purchased several Gran Sasso two-ply cashmere V-neck sweaters ($295) from Beecroft & Bull to outfit the Honey men. The lesson of this gift is that when the Honey men are better looking, Cool Honey is a happier girl. Take that, Old Man Winter!
On the eighth day of Christmahanukwanzaa, Cool Honey gave to me… a gadget for a single cup of coffee or tea.
Now, don’t get Cool wrong: There is a time and a place for a huge pot of coffee. That time and that place is called the weekend, which most definitely involves pajamas and a copy of The New York Times Sunday Style section. However, during the week, there’s nary a thing so wasteful as brewing an entire pot of coffee. Most of us can barely find the time to drink down a single cup. You know what they say, waste not, want not! (Of course, that person never met Lindsay Lohan.) Save yourself the paper-filter agony with a Keurig Gourmet Single Cup Brewing System from the Happy Cook ($158-220). The pompous-sounding name might make you think that the machine is complicated, but it’s not. The Single Cup Brewer is idiot-proofed so that even a sleep-deprived, half-awake Honey sibling could work the machine without screwing it up. While a coffee maker might not revolutionize Cool’s sister’s life, the Keurig Single Cup brewer will definitely make her Monday mornings a little easier. And isn’t a better Monday the best gift you could give anyone?
On the ninth day of Christmahanukwanzaa, Cool Honey gave to me…a helmet to protect someone’s melon safely.
Yeah, yeah. Cool knows what you are thinking—if you don’t know a cyclist, a bike helmet is not a very useful gift idea. Well, Cool would like to remind everyone that there are other practical uses for great bike helmets, like the Specialized Decibel helmet from Extreme Sports ($179). For instance, Cool’s odd-bird cousin from Iowa used to run around the family farm wearing a bike helmet so that he could run full speed, head first, into walls. Stupid, certainly, but what else are you going to do in Iowa? (But Cool digresses…) With 26 air vents, the Decibel will keep your favorite cyclist’s melon cool (and safe) on those hot summer bike rides! It may not be the official helmet of the Lance-Armstrong-I’ve-got-seven-yellow-jerseys-but-still-no-style-empire, but would you want it to?
On the 10th day of Christmahanukwanzaa, Cool Honey gave to me… a batch of her favorite homemade brownies.
Next to vacuuming, cooking is probably last on Cool Honey’s list of domestic things she likes to do. So, there’s nothing so great as an obviously self-sacrificing gift, like a batch of homemade brownies. (Cool’s friends all know how much she hates to bake, so they’re always extra touched when she breaks her oven-moratorium.) So, here’s Cool’s favorite “Aren’t I a generous sort of girl?” brownies:
1 16 oz. bag of semi-sweet chocolate chips
1 can sweetened condensed milk
2 tablespoons of butter
Melt over low heat while stirring. Remove when melted and cool slightly.
2 sticks of butter
2 cups packed brown sugar
2 eggs
Melt butter, stir in sugar. Add to chocolate mixture. Beat in the eggs one at a time.
1 tsp. vanilla extract
2 cups all purpose flour
1 tsp. salt
Stir into mixture
Turn mixture into lightly oil 13x9x2" baking pan. Bake at 350 degrees for 30-35 minutes.
Full circle
Everything you need to know about the season’s hottest gamer gift—the Xbox 360
By Aaron R. Conklin
feature@c-ville.com
Nothing says “triumph of the hype” quite like the sight of a long line of teenagers and college students, clad in hooded sweatshirts and baggy jeans, stacking up outside Best Buy at the stroke of midnight to be the first to pick up the newest piece of gaming gear. In this, anyway, the media whirlwind Microsoft used to whip up gamers’ interest in the Xbox 360 qualifies as a huge success, and Bill Gates and his merry minions can claim victory in the first round of Console Wars, Part Deux.
Whether the Xbox 360, released on November 22, is going to redefine gaming as we know it isn’t nearly as clear and sharp as the system’s new hi-def graphics. One thing’s for sure: With retail outlets completely sold out and eBay scalpers hawking the console online for as much as $2 grand, the console is very much the “it” tech gift of the 2005 holiday season.
And with good reason. Even a skeptic would have to admit Microsoft got the design right this time around. The 360’s silky-silver hourglass appearance has the “wow” factor nailed in a way that the original, a black beast that always felt like aliens had dropped a glowing brick on your coffee table, never could. The controller, meanwhile, is also a marked step forward. Gone are those difficult-to-reach black and white buttons, replaced by a second set of shoulder buttons. Four Ben Franklins will score you the system (with detachable 20 gigabyte hard drive), a wireless controller, a media remote and a subscription to Xbox Live, the system’s online gaming portal.
For who-knows-what reason, Micro-soft has also decided to offer a hard drive-free version of the Xbox 360 for $100 less, ostensibly to lure those suffering from a nasty case of sticker shock. Seriously, don’t bother: The 360, as currently configured, can only play a certain number of select original Xbox games. Without a hard drive, that number drops to zero, so you can forget polishing your stats in Halo 2. Then there’s the development issue: Does anyone seriously think game developers will be content to cram their already packed content into the basic unit’s single DVD-format for more than, say, six months? Sure, the hard drive can be
purchased as a peripheral and added later, but as research and experience has shown, if it ain’t in the box, casual gamers aren’t gonna buy it.
Whichever system floats your gaming boat, it’ll be the graphics that drive the deal. American gamers are like magpies, lured into opening their checkbooks by the shiny objects dancing on-screen. In this case, the shiny objects are jaw-dropping and move very fast indeed. As well they should: We’re talking about three 3.2 megahertz IBM processors and a beefy graphics processor under the hood here, making the 360 several gears speedier than many mid-size computers. (Of course, none of this matters if you don’t also own a high-definition television set, but Microsoft seems to be hoping you won’t notice.)
For years, Bill Gates has been pursuing The Holy Grail of the Living Room, a single, Microsoft-branded unit that controls every aspect of your home-entertainment experience. This explains the 360’s tech-tool friendly functionality. Hook it up to your iPod, digital camera or computer with a USB port, and you can use it to play MP3s, display digital photos and, with a plug-in and a significant amount of jiggering, even play video files.
Multifunctionality is a concept even a jaded technophobe can get behind. But it also begs the question: If the 360 is supposed to be as accessible to Mom and Dad as it is to 18- to 32-year-olds, why, then, has Microsoft created a console that seems so completely designed for the hardcore gamer?
Too much, too soon?
And, perhaps more puzzlingly, why debut it now? Industry experts place the life cycle of a game console at five years; the original Xbox just turned 4. While Microsoft’s mean machine never quite managed to unseat Sony’s PlayStation 2 at the top of the console firmament, there are plenty (including me) who argue that it still had a lot of life left in it. Games like Halo 2, Jade Empire and Ninja Gaiden Black finally delivered on the Xbox’s potential, and trading the final year of console life for an eight-month head start in the next-generation console battle may prove risky. There will still be original Xbox games shipping in 2006, but the 360 launch effectively plants a bullet in its predecessor.
The new 360 games, by contrast, are a middling lot at best. Eighteen titles were available at launch, a mix of the new (Kameo: Elements of Power, Con-demned: Criminal Origins), the sequels (Project Gotham Racing 3, Call of Duty 2) and the graphically buffed versions of games you paid 50 bucks for as little as a month ago (Tony Hawk’s American Wasteland, every EA sports title). For the truly hardcore, being able to see every wrinkle on Donovan McNabb’s hernia-plagued face as he steps to the line in Madden 06 matters. The rest of the world may struggle to see how the significance justifies the cost.
The lineup isn’t overwhelming—more like so-so—but honestly, that’s only a reason to delay your purchase, not a fatal flaw. It’s instructive to recall that the last three game platform launches—the Xbox, the Nintendo DS and Sony’s PlayStation Portable—all sailed with weak launch lineups. All three have survived (and in some cases, thrived) as the game library finally caught up with the hardware.
One big, happy family
The one thing Microsoft got entirely right with the Xbox is the online component. Xbox Live managed to attract some 2 million-plus gamers into its virtual stratosphere, and the ways in which the 360 buffs up the Xbox Live experience ought to lure even more. From the new gamer tab, you’ll be able to chat, send video messages and develop your online profile by kicking ass and completing goals in games like Dead or Alive 4. (Heck, your friends can even check in to see what and when you’re playing online.) Given that Sony isn’t even discussing an online component to its forthcoming Play-Station 3, Microsoft may be able to trump Sony’s market penetration and monster-game library by taking the fight to cyberspace.
If Bill Gates’ plans to mesh Xbox Live with Windows Live—a similar portal system for PC gamers that’s still in the diaper stages—actually pan out, Microsoft really could end up ruling the world. Imagine a massive virtual community where your friends (and, yes, even your parents) play together in graphically gorgeous virtual worlds—without having to drop $2,000 on a new computer to do it. Now that’s next-gen.
Whether it actually comes to pass will be the truest test of the Xbox 360’s long-term impact. In the meantime, game-heads can rejoice that a glimpse of the future has arrived a year early. That just may be the biggest gift of all…at least until the PlayStation 3 arrives next year.
Game on!
Five must-get games this holiday season
Finding just the right gift for the gamer on your list is no easy task. With literally hundreds of titles hitting store shelves this holiday season, it’s all too easy for well-meaning parents and relatives to slip Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3 under the tree when you really wanted Soul Calibur 3. In the interest of preventing bad-gift syndrome, here are five can’t-miss titles.
F.E.A.R. (PC) Not since the original Half-Life scared the bejeebers out of gamers has a shooter managed to create a vibe this creepy. After watching that little ghost-girl do her crab-walk thing, I think I know how Naomi Watts felt in The Ring—and I had a gun.
God of War (PlayStation 2) Yes, it was released back in February. That this mythology-steeped action game is still among my Top 5 tells you that it’s better than just about everything that came out in the intervening nine months. Anyone up for laying a 100-hit combo on a cyclops?
We Love Katamari (PlayStation 2) Who doesn’t love rolling a big ol’ ball of wonder around the screen…especially when you can now do it cooperatively?
Kameo: Elements of Power (Xbox 360) If you were among the happy few who scored an Xbox 360, this is the most original launch title in the bunch. That smokin’ fairy princess may lose out to Joanna Dark as the face of Microsoft’s new console, but she’s got style and good gameplay to spare.
Soul Calibur 3 (PlayStation 2) Beat ’em ups don’t get better (or prettier) than this one. Namco’s one-on-one fighting series gets new characters, new environments, a character generator…and a real-time strategy campaign? Sold.—A.R.C.
GameSpeak
Like any good subculture, gamers speak a language all their own—a language filled with terms and abbreviations that often baffle the uninitiated (just ask my editors). Schooling yourself on the following terms may not send your gamer street cred into the stratosphere, but it may save you from feeling completely ownzred. Oh, snap!
PS2: Short for PlayStation 2. Soon to be replaced with PS3.
MMORPG: Massively Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Game. Think Everquest, World of Warcraft and City of Heroes.
Xbox Live: The online portal for Micro-soft’s videogame consoles.
RTS: Real-time strategy. A gaming genre in which you gather resources and use them to kill your opponent as quickly as possible.
Fragged: What happens when you get blasted in multiplayer Halo 2 or Quake 4.
Griefer: The spoilsports of the online gaming world, these morons delight in using cheat codes and cheap tactics (camping, profanity) to ruin the fun for everyone else. Rampant Pking—short for player-killing—is a favorite dirty trick.
NPC: Nonplayable character. In other words, everyone in the game who’s not you or one of your friends. The computer controls these, and you’ll recognize them as the ones who give you dreaded FedEx quests.
NOOb: Newbie, rookie, first-timer. If you’re reading this section, it’s probably you.
Gamer’s Thumb: Try playing an action-heavy game like Devil May Cry 3 or Madden 06 for a couple hours, and enlightenment shall be yours.
RPG: Role-playing game. Games like Dungeons & Dragons that let you invent and put on a new identity for a while. Try it—you’ll like it.—A.R.C.
Think outside the frames
Looking for unusual gift ideas? Give these arts organizations a try
By Erika Howsare
feature@c-ville.com
As the holidays approach, it can seem like the universe becomes obsessed with one all-encompassing idea: GO TO THE MALL! If you like the idea of presents, but are terrified by the world of national chain stores, gift receipts and parking lots, you do have some options. There are lots of ways to snag one-of-a-kind gifts, avoid Route 29N and support local arts at the same time. Along the road less taken, here’s where to stop and shop.
Kluge-Ruhe Aboriginal Art Collection
The little museum on Pantops Moun-tain, one of Charlottesville’s hidden treasures, holds its annual holiday sale on Saturday, December 3, from 2pm to 5pm. Offerings will include notecards, Jukurrpa and Injalak calendars, and posters bearing an image by artist Michael Aspinall, as well as children’s books and painted-bead key chains from the Western Desert. Have some cookies and cider and consider purchasing an original painting on canvas or bark. Prices at the sale range from $5 to $300, and you must pay with cash or check.
UVA Art Museum
Later that same day, the Young Friends of the UVA Art Museum hold the 10th Annual Holiday Art Auction (Decem-ber 3, 5:30-8:30pm). The silent auction features big-ticket items (10 original pieces by artists like Jim Jones, Eduardo Galliani and Tjasa Owen; bidding starts at $1,000) as well as art for the rest of us, much of it by local artists like Judy McLeod and Robert Klonoski. The bottom line: Everything’s original, and proceeds go toward art programs for kids. Reserve a $50 ticket to the auction at 243-8874.
McGuffey Art Center
The cornerstone of the Charlottesville art scene turns 30 this year, and the big birthday party will coincide with the center’s annual Holiday Open House, on Friday, December 9 from 10am to 6pm. More importantly for your gift list, McGuffey holds its group show during the month of December. With work by more than 50 artists working in media as diverse as stained glass, fiber art, sculpture and photography, there should be plenty of options. Chat with the artists during open studios and impress the recipients of your gifts with an insider’s knowledge about the one-of-a-kind objects you’ve chosen.
BozArt Gallery
During the month of December, BozArt also holds a group show featuring works by all its contributing members, including Karen Whitehill and David Paul Swanson. You can find paintings, sculptures and ceramic pieces starting around $40, as well as less expensive items like notecards.
Light House Studios
Remember that great roll of film you shot last summer? How about the home movies from when you were a kid? Bring those gems in to Light House on December 3 and let a teen mentor help you turn your photos and movies into your own personal film. You’ll end up with a short DVD that you can distribute to all your relatives for the holidays, soundtracked with the music of your choice. Film and video formats including Super 8 and VHS, as well as still photographs, can all become part of your directorial debut. (Light House recommends that you choose a fairly narrow selection of footage before you show up.) The Holiday Movies Workshop takes place 1-5pm; sign up for a two-hour session, $75, at 293-6992.
Holiday City Market
What’s better than an old-fashioned bazaar? During the Holiday City Market (10am-5pm on Fridays and Saturdays through December 17, in the Charlottesville Pavilion) you can browse around 100 tables of handmade gifts. Check out wooden jewelry boxes, pottery, baked goods, handmade jewelry, Christmas stockings, purses, birdhouses, wreaths, children’s furniture, locally themed cards and posters, original paintings and sculptures, holiday ornaments and even local organic meats.