As the year draws to a close, at C-VILLE we find ourselves with a queasy feeling. At first we just thought someone spiked our egg-nog, but no. Our sick feeling is something media types know as a “news hangover.”
We’ve spent the past year covering the absurdity, scandal, crime and shameless self-promotion that goes on in Charlottesville. At the end of it all, we find ourselves wondering—what can we do? In these times of conflict and uncertainty, how can we at C-VILLE do our part to make things better?
This year, we will follow the example of underground groups like “Al Pieda” and the “Biotic Baking Brigade,” clandestine orga-nizations that express their point of view by smashing cream pies into the mugs of people like Ann Coulter and Bill Gates. We like their style. As far as we know, Al Pieda doesn’t have a Charlottesville chapter (if there is, Albemarle County Sheriff Ed Robb probably has its oven wiretapped), so C-VILLE will stand in to deliver sweet revenge with our annual Cheap Shots awards. We’ve picked the worst of last year’s loudmouths, hacks and haters to receive a generous serving of just des-serts, “pie any means necessary.”
THE “WHERE’S MY MIND?” AWARD
Residents of Hinton Avenue
For suggesting they prefer gunshots to guitar
Five years ago, Hinton Avenue residents often found their peace disturbed by cracks of gunfire and the wail of police sirens. (Perhaps the most disturbing incident was an early morning shootout in April 2000, where two men traded shots as a schoolbus rolled by.) That was before the City and the Piedmont Housing Alliance built brand-new homes on Hinton and moved in a crop of yuppies. Things were peachy on Hinton until this summer, when Coran Capshaw opened the Charlottesville Pavilion on the east end of the Downtown Mall. Noise from rock bands like the Pixies, Allman Brothers and Widespread Panic reverberated through Belmont, prompting widespread complaints from homeowners. During an October 3 meeting, Hinton Avenue residents went so far as to beg City Council to dampen the sound, turn down the volume or hold concerts earlier—all reasonable requests. But in making their point, some Hinton residents got carried away. They told Council that life on their street “was almost better with the gunshots.” Granted, we can all agree that Blues Traveler sucks—but while forced exposure to a 10-minute harmonica solo might constitute cruel and unusual punishment, it’s still not as bad as gun violence outside your front door.
THE “TRENT LOTT RACIAL SENSITIVITY” AWARD
The Jeffersonian Thanksgiving Festival
For just not getting it
The story begins in 2004, when event organizers for the Jeffersonian Thanksgiv-ing Festival, a tourist-friendly “historic” presentation at Court Square, were shocked and appalled. Protestors had set up their own display—a black slave up for sale on an auction block. This year, festival organizers tried to pre-empt controversy by amending their program guide with this disclaimer: “Although slavery existed at the time we portray our festival, we have chosen to only portray black historic persons that will be positive role models that those in the black community would want their children to remember and admire.” Why would we want to remember something as unpleasant as slavery anyway? Hmmm… maybe because slaves built Court Square and Monticello in the first place? In an apparent gesture to reach out, however, festival organizers (which include Grace Covenant Church, Quilts Unlimited, the City of Charlottesville, Albemarle Family and local CBS, Fox and ABC affiliates) invited parents to a performance where kids could “meet black historic persons and other common folk of Charlottesville.”
THE “POOR LITTLE RICH GIRL” AWARD
Keswick Country Club
For whining about taxes
Why is it that, come tax time, the richest people shed the biggest crocodile tears? Few things are as unseemly as country club members who demand good schools, lots of police and traffic-free roads, but who then bitch about how “government’s not the solution, it’s the problem.” This summer, the boo-hooing came from Keswick. The swanky country club sued Albemarle County, arguing that a 154-acre parcel of land—including a golf course, a clubhouse with restaurant, a spa and exercise room, a pro shop, pool and tennis courts—is worth no more than $2.9 million. The County had assessed the property and buildings at $12.6 million. Keswick’s argument (articulated, fittingly, by the law firm led by GOP activist Bob Hodous) centered on the method County officials used to calculate the assessment. But in essence the suit smacked of whining from people who want it all without having to pay their fair share. Apparently, Albemarle County Circuit Court saw it that way, too, and ruled in the County’s favor.
THE “BILL O’REILLY MODESTY IN POLITICS” AWARD
Jeffrey Rossman and Rob Schilling
For racial pandering in their school board rhetoric
In 2002, when Rob Schilling became the first Republican in 12 years to win a seat on City Council, he said one of his major goals was to switch Charlottesville’s School Board to an elected body from one appointed by City Council. His opportunity came with the maelstrom surrounding briefly tenured superintendent Scottie Griffin. Among those leading the protest against Griffin and the Board was UVA history professor and Democrat Jeffrey Rossman. Together, Schilling and Rossman spent the spring and summer promoting a referendum on the elected school board issue that turned up on the November ballot. Arguing in favor of an elected school board, they painted the City’s appointed School Board as a holdover from the “sordid and shameful” Dixiecrat era of the 1940s, when appointed school boards were used to exclude blacks. Meanwhile, Rossman and Schilling cast themselves as defenders of local African-Americans. Some Councilors argued that, contrary to Rossman and Schilling’s assertions, an appointed school board is necessary to preserve diversity. The point was lost, however, and when the referendum won resoundingly, both Rossman and Schilling delivered self-aggrandizing quotes (a favorite example: Rossman celebrating “the last nail in the coffin of Democratic paternalism here in Char-lottesville.”) The idea that City Council has been using appointed school boards to bolster a racist agenda seems unsupportable, and easy to disprove just by counting the large number of African-Americans appointed to that body in recent years. There might be other reasons to support an elected school board, but improving race relations probably is not among them.
THE “DAN RATHER PRUDENCE IN JOURNALISM” AWARD
The Daily Progress
For its coverage of the O-Hill “disaster”
On July 27, The Daily Progress ran a front-page story headlined “80 hikers lose way in heat.” The tale described some kind of pre-teen academic group that had managed to get lost on Observatory Hill without food or water, needing to be rescued and treated for dehydration and heat exposure. The story raised all kinds of questions. Who was in charge? Who goes hiking without water? What kind of dumbass gets lost on Observatory Hill? The next day, the DP ran a follow-up story headlined “Students OK after incident.” Readers learned that the students were, in fact, well fed. Apparently about 60 kids were walking to McCormick Observatory as part of “Higher Achievement Program” when “two to four” children with asthma complained of “discomfort.” Then several others reported “discomfort,” so group leaders called the police. Hey, kids, walking uphill in 90 degree heat is, by definition, uncomfortable. These are high achievers? We had to laugh, and so did some Progress readers. On August 14, Robert Davis wrote a letter to the newspaper commending their disaster coverage. “Where else,” he wrote, “can you get humor like this for less than 50 cents a day?”
THE “RUSH TO JUDGMENT” AWARD
City police and local media
For jumping to conclusions in the Chris Matthew case
In September, a former UVA student reported that she was on her way home from a party when someone dragged her into the bushes and raped her. After searching the JPA neighborhood, police apprehended Chris Matthew, a young black man who was unlucky enough to be walking near the scene. Based on testimony from the witness, police announced the arrest and sent Matthew’s mugshot to local media. Reporters almost immediately began to speculate on whether Matthew might be the long-sought serial rapist. Doing that capitalize-on-viewers’-fears thing, local television stations ran salacious stories about the attack; worse, otherwise responsible media figures like UVA spokesperson Carol Wood said they were glad police had nabbed “the perpetrator,” though Matthew had been neither tried nor convicted. Days later, DNA tests proved what Matthew had been saying all along, that he was, in fact, innocent. Now, Matthew is suing his accuser, alleging that she defamed him.
“THE WORLD IS MY PARKING LOT” AWARD
Charles Lebo
For getting Rich Collins arrested
When Rich Collins announced he would challenge David Toscano for the Demo-cratic nomination for Charlottesville’s seat in the House of Delegates, most people assumed that Collins, a 71-year-old former UVA prof and environmental activist, didn’t stand a chance against the veteran and well-financed politician. But Collins tried. Part of his strategy included handing out leaflets at the one place where he was sure to meet a lot of lefties—Whole Foods. In May, Collins was standing in the parking lot outside Whole Foods in the Shoppers World strip mall on Route 29N when the site’s property manager, Charles Lebo, called the cops. Lebo said Collins was trespassing, and had the septuagenarian arrested. When the case went to court this summer, Collins argued that parking lots had become like public squares in America, therefore he should have been allowed to stay as long as he wasn’t disturbing the peace. Lebo argued that it was his right as a property owner; further, he said, he wouldn’t even allow the freakin’ Girl Scouts to sell cookies in his parking lot. Albemarle General District Court Judge Stephen Helvin said in October that, philosophically, he sided with Collins. Legally, however, he ruled for Lebo and convicted Collins of trespassing.
THE “GET OFF OF MY CLOUD” AWARD
Rolling Stones haters
For ageism against the world’s greatest rock band
When the Rolling Stones announced that their 2005 U.S. tour would include a stop at Scott Stadium, many local rock fans started to save their pennies for a chance to see the legendary band in the flesh. Others had a different reaction. “They’re so old!” some people exclaimed, as if they were espousing some highly original cultural criticism. What was their point exactly? Old people can’t rock? Granted, the last few Aerosmith albums really sucked, but so does flavor-of-the-month O.A.R. Even after a phoned-in bomb threat stalled the show for an hour, the Stones had the last laugh: After the show, nearly everyone leaving the stadium proclaimed it “the best rock show I’ve ever seen.”
THE “HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH” AWARD
Joan Fenton and Bob Stroh
For trying to turn Downtown into Disneyland
The Downtown Mall is a rare jewel—few such pedestrian enclaves anywhere in America are as successful as Charlottesville’s. What makes the Mall great is the “public” nature of the space, the unregulated atmosphere and the free flow of humanity that makes for great people-watching. But this year, some business leaders have been urging City officials to regulate the Mall more strictly. As co-directors of the Downtown Business Association of Charlottesville, Joan Fenton (who owns April’s Corner and Quilts Unlimited) and Bob Stroh (manager of the Charlottesville Parking Center) have advocated higher fees for Mall vendors, a new car crossing and the removal of newspaper boxes. These changes would move the Mall toward a bland, tourist-friendly future. Not every businessperson on the Mall supports turning our public space into Disneyland, but Fenton and Stroh are able to use their DBAC rank to get their agenda aired in front of City officials.
THE “KEEP YER BIG MOUTH SHUT” AWARD
RICO trial juror
For prompting a mistrial in a major case
Anyone who has ever served on a jury knows that one of the first things a judge instructs you on is to avoid newspaper accounts of the trial. And, if you accidentally ingest some news, for Pete’s sake don’t go blabbing about it to other jurors. Seems simple enough, but apparently it was too much for one local juror to remember. Federal prosecutors had spent more than a year building a case against Antonio “L.A.” Bryant and a ring of alleged co-conspirators who were accused of running a violent drug ring in Charlottesville for a decade. The jury heard testimony from more than 50 witnesses and considered nearly 300 pieces of evidence. After two days of closing arguments a juror sent a note to Federal District Judge Norman K. Moon suggesting that a fellow juror had read an article about the trial in The Daily Progress and talked about it with other jurors. Moon declared a mistrial, which means the prosecution must start over from scratch. It’s also bad news for the accused—the retrial will be held in notoriously conservative Lynchburg.
THE “GEORGE W. BUSH ‘STAY THE COURSE’” AWARD
Albemarle County
For clinging to the Neighborhood Model
When the going gets tough, just keep going. When you hit a brick wall, just keep bashing it with your forehead and pretend like everything’s going according to plan. That seems to be the wisdom currently guiding our nation, and apparently Albemarle County is taking some lessons from the Bush Administration in its management of local growth. County planners have divided Albemarle into “growth” areas and “rural” areas. Real estate development—new subdivisions, shopping centers, etc.—are supposed to be built in the growth areas, while rural areas are supposed to be preserved for agriculture, hunting, hiking (and estates for really, really rich people). In 2001 the County adopted a set of rules for growth-area housing developments called “The Neighborhood Model.” The Neighborhood Model includes a list of 12 so-called New Urbanist principles—rules for building setbacks, sidewalks and parking—that are supposed to make neighborhoods more pedestrian friendly. But the County tends to apply the rules inconsistently, and the resulting Neighborhood Model developments are hardly paragons of progressive design. Further, developers claim that getting a project approved in the growth area is so complex that it’s actually easier to build in the rural areas, where there are fewer rules. Granted, developers can be notorious whiners when it comes to government regulation, but that’s the point. The Neighborhood Model clearly needs some tweaking both to protect Albemarle from sprawl and to satisfy developers. If Supervisors don’t try to implement a smart growth plan that works, could developer complaints gain so much traction that there would be voter backlash against smart growth in general? Don’t scoff: That’s what happened in Loudoun County, the poster child for NoVa gone wild. What a shame it would be to see Albemarle give up on growth management for the sake of the Neighborhood Model.
THE “ED ROBB LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD FOR EXCELLENCE IN LAW ENFORCEMENT”
Albemarle County Sheriff Ed Robb
For bringing home the War on Terror
There comes a time when the dubious achievements of one individual call for recognition that transcends a mere Cheap Shot. During the past three years, Albemarle County Sheriff Ed Robb has spared no expense hunting down imaginary deputy-shooting black guys and Al-Qaeda sleeper cells—all for your protection. To toast our favorite local lawman, we hereby introduce the “Ed Robb Lifetime Achievement Award for Excellence in Law Enforcement.”
Consider: Two years ago, when former County deputy Steve Shifflett claimed that “a black guy” put bullet holes in his hat and police cruiser, Robb denounced the incident as a “hate crime.” Turns out Shifflett made the whole thing up. Robb apologized to the African-American community and took home his first C-VILLE Cheap Shot for “creative use of a black guy.”
And don’t you hate it the way Al-Qaeda is always up in your grill? In 2004, Robb announced that his department would be spending the bulk of their time conducting domestic surveillance in the “War on Terror.” That year, Robb ordered the County to place huge boulders outside the Albemarle County Office Building to ward off car bombs. (Are the County Planning Commission’s zoning decisions an insult to radical Islam?). The boulders earned Robb another Cheap Shot last year.
This year, Robb continues his local fight against terrorists. He proposed spending $60,000 to terror-proof the jail by building a camouflage fence and placing Jersey barriers around the facility. Fortunately, it looks like the cash-strapped jail board is unlikely to waste money on Robb’s scheme. After three years of these hijinks, we get the feeling that Robb—a wanna-be player in the Republican party—is more interested in the politics of fear than public safety.
Cheap Shots Hall of Fame 2002
The “What, Me Worry?”/Alfred E. Neuman Award
City Democrats
For taking the 2002 Council election for granted
The Dual Citizenship Award
Joan Fenton
For seeking a seat on City Council while living in the county
The Waldo Jaquith Award
Waldo Jaquith
For setting new standards in self-congratulation
The Seen and Not Heard Award
Rob Schilling
For…well, for nothing
The Head in the Sediment Award
The Rivanna Water and Sewer Authority
For blaming their mistakes on Mother Nature
The “Freebird” Award
The Lewis Mountain Neighborhood Association
For creative use of flickering light in a middle-class drama
The Gold Standard Award
UVA and Monticello
For making “Mr. Jefferson’s legacy” all about the money
The Do As I Say, Not As I Do Award
The City Board of Architectural Review
For letting politics influence its job as design guardians
The Andrew Carnegie Award
Coran Capshaw
For employing vertical integration on W. Main Street
The Obstacle Course Award
City of Charlottesville
For “traffic calming” that makes drivers treacherous
“New” Journalism/You Had to Be There Award
The Hook
For establishing and maintaining inventive reporting
Law and Disorder Award
The Albemarle County Police Department
For beating suspects by the book
Road Hog Award
The Metropolitan Planning Organization
For prolonging the life of the Western Bypass for political leverage
The I’m With Stupid Award
City of Charlottesville
For insulting residents in the name of water conservation
The Vidal Sassoon Award for Excellence in Journalism
NBC 29
Just for looking so damn good
The When Pigs Fly Award
The Paramount Theater, Inc.
For a, shall we say, optimistic program
schedule
The Thin Skin Award
WNRN-FM
For dishing it out, but not taking it
The Emperor’s New Clothes Award
Any bar serving “specialty” drinks
For dressing up booze in pretty costumes
2003
The ‘Fraidy Cat Award for Music Appreciation
UVA President John Casteen
For his apology regarding the Cavalier Pep Band
The Tipper Gore Free Speech Award
Albemarle County School Board
For banning a middle schooler for wearing
an NRA t-shirt
The You’ve Come a Long Way, Baby Award
Kay Slaughter
For playing the gender card
The Susan Smith Award for Racial Harmony
Steve Shifflett and Ed Robb
For creative use of “a black guy” in a
criminal investigation
The Kenneth Lay Award for
Business Ethics
Ivy Industries CEO John Reid
For a $2.4 million check-kiting scheme
The Crack Reporting Award
Channel 29
For the Jesse Scheckler fiasco
The Hey, Where are the Naked Chicks? Award
Charlottesville’s proliferating
tapas bars
For a homophonic confusion of food and sex
The McHistory Award
Downtown law community
For rejecting designs for a modern
courthouse
The Better Living Through Science Award
Herman Stanley
For setting up a crystal meth lab in the Marriott Hotel on W. Main Street
The Better Shopping Award
Supporters of Target
For missing the point
The “Eight Days a Week” Award
The all-Beatles radio station
For staying on the air all of three days
The Black Lung Award
UVA
For burning coal in a residential area
The Pet Rock Award for Stupid Trendiness
Middle-class 20somethings
For aping blue-collar style
The John Ashcroft Award for Excellence in Law Enforcement
Albemarle County
For fighting the War on Drugs, er, Terror
at home
The Whose Side Are You On, Anyway? Award
Meredith Richards, Blake Caravati
and Rob Schilling
For trying to give away nine acres of
McIntire Park
2004
The Get Me Rewrite Award for
Editorial Excellence
Coach Al Groh
For his hissy fit over preseason team
coverage
The Tough Titties Award
Lactating mommas
For the nurse-in at Atomic Burrito
The Virginia is for Haters Award
The General Assembly
For passing anti-gay H.B. 751
The Tempest in a Teapot Award
Parents of Charlottesville
schoolchildren
For flipping out about the new
superintendent
The “Wanna be Starting Something” Award
Rick Turner
For playing the race card in the schools
debate
The Dial-Down-the-Center Award
The Paramount Theater, Inc.
For underwhelming first-season programming
The Tight Fist Award
Delegate Rob Bell
For making a hard right in the
General Assembly
The Piece of the Rock Homeland
Security Award
Ed Robb
For creative use of geology in the fight
against terror
The See Ya, Wouldn’t Wanna Be Ya Award
City Democrats
For unceremoniously booting Meredith Richards
The Flush with Success Award
Dave Matthews Band
For letting shit happen
The Purple Prose Award
The Daily Progress
For best dramatic performance by an
editorial page
The Three’s Company Award
WVIR, “Virginia’s Most Powerful Station”
For fighting dirty
The “This is Only A Test” Award
Ann Reinicke
For her inflated sense of emergency
The I Have A Dream But No
Imagination Award
City Council
For renaming the Performing Arts Center
The Because I Said So Award
Judge Paul Peatross
For despotism in the courtroom
The Deadbeat Dad Award
The Commonwealth of Virginia
For claiming rights but failing to
pay support