The Protector
R, 109 minutes
Opens Friday, September 8,
at Carmike Cinema 6
In 1985, Hong Kong superstar Jackie Chan starred in a movie called The Protector, his second attempt at cashing in on the American film market. It didn’t work—partially because the film sucked, and partially because Chan found himself teamed up with Danny Aiello. (Not to worry: Chan’s next American outing, paired with Chris Tucker in 1998’s Rush Hour, proved a bit more profitable.) Now comes another martial arts action film titled The Protector. This one stars Thai jaw-dropper Tony Jaa (Ong-bak). And no, it has absolutely nothing to do with Chan’s film. (Although alert viewers might spot a historic passing-of-the-torch moment involving Jaa and what looks like a certain big-nosed kung fu fighter.)
The Protector is actually a re-title of Jaa’s 2005 hit Tom Yum Goong (which, rather uninterestingly, refers to a popular Thai soup that’s never actually featured in the film). The new appellation, bestowed by the film’s American releasing company, is a none-too-subtle hint that Jaa is the martial arts world’s most promising up-and-comer. Ong-bak established Jaa, with his stunning Muay Thai skills, as the newest link in the Bruce Lee/Jackie Chan/Jet Li chain of succession. Many have tried to join that exalted line—and many have failed. Throughout the years, we’ve had British kickboxer Gary Daniels, American aikido master Stephen Segal and countless Hollywood actors with well-paid trainers. (Wesley Snipes, I’m looking at you!) But few of those would-be martial arts stars have had the skills, the charisma, and the ability to resist becoming fat and Buddhist. But it looks as though Jaa might be able to avoid that ignominious fate: If Ong-bak cemented the man’s reputation, then The Protector plates it in gold.
Storywise, the film doesn’t stray very far from the mythology laid out in Ong-bak. This time, instead of a playing a humble country boy from Thailand hunting down evil foreigners who have stolen his village’s sacred statue, Jaa plays a humble country boy from Thailand hunting down evil foreigners who have stolen his village’s sacred elephant. Seems that Jaa’s character, Kham, has spent his entire life growing up around elephants. For centuries, his family has served as bodyguards to the king of Thailand’s personal elephants. (Trust me, in Thailand, that’s a very big deal.) One day, however, some evil poachers show up and steal Kham’s lifelong pachyderm companion, BoBo.
Admittedly, on the list of marital arts film motivations, “You stole my elephant!” ranks somewhere below “You killed my sister!” and “You insulted my school!” Still, after our hero touches down in Australia in pursuit of the elephant-nappers, the villainous scheme grows proportionally larger—eventually involving corrupt cops, evil businesswomen, white slavery and other unspeakable acts. Believe me, by the end, you’ll want to see all of their evil asses thoroughly kicked.
It takes a little while for Jaa to unleash his punishing brand of Muay Thai martial arts. Obviously proud of their country’s culture and heritage, Jaa and director Prachya Pinkaew spend a decent amount of time setting up the film’s backstory. The beautiful imagery of rural Thailand, and the well-shot nature footage of the Thai people’s close connection with elephants, make for a lovely opening travelogue. Of course, when the fisticuffs finally do arrive, they’re well worth the wait. If you’ve never witnessed Muay Thai, it’s pretty stunning stuff—mercilessly designed to snap limbs, bust heads and otherwise completely incapacitate opponents. Jaa is an incredible athlete, and his on-screen bouts look amazingly brutal. It’s hard to watch this film without screaming “Ouch!” every few minutes.
Logically speaking, the story doesn’t always gel. Bad guys sprout from the woodwork with all the clockwork regularity of videogame characters, and the villains’ main scheme is a bit hard to follow. Nonetheless, I guarantee it’s something you’ve never seen before. The film’s originality extends into the fight sequences, which are cleverly choreographed. and not simply cribbed from old Bruce Lee and Jackie Chan films. One bravura sequence—a nonstop, single-camera, no-cut, five-minute bruise-a-thon through a five-storey building—deserves to be enshrined in the martial arts hall of fame.
Only time will tell if Tony Jaa truly assumes the crown left behind by aging asskicker Jackie Chan. In 10 years’ time, Jaa could very well be in Hollywood making wacky action comedies with David Spade. Personally, I hope he stays in Thailand and gives us more amazing marital arts mayhem like The Protector. —Devin D. O’Leary
Invincible
PG, 105 minutes
Now playing at Carmike Cinema 6
Thirty years after Rocky Balboa went the distance against Apollo Creed, another working-class hero has risen from the streets of South Philly. Ladies and gentlemen, let’s hear it for Vince Papale (“the real-life Rocky”) who, back in 1976, at the not-so-tender age of 30, got added to the Philadelphia Eagles roster without having played college football. In his three seasons with the Iggles, Papale made some special-teams tackles and caught exactly one pass. But that isn’t the point. The point is that one year Papale was sitting in the stands, and the next year he was running down the field. Cinderella’s got nothing on this guy. And now, just as Sylvester Stallone is taping up his knuckles for another cinematic jab at America’s solar plexus, Papale’s got his own movie, Invincible, which stars Mark Wahlberg as the NFL’s only 5’8" wide receiver.
But hey, height doesn’t matter. Nor does it matter that Wahlberg seems younger than his teammates, not older, because the kid’s got heart, which is what Papale (who was considered short at 6’2") had. A part-time schoolteacher who was moonlighting as a bartender, Papale participated in an open tryout that the Eagles’ new coach, Dick Vermeil (Greg Kinnear, in what I hope, for his sake, is a wig), cooked up as a way of generating enthusiasm for a team that hadn’t been generating much on its own. And, although Wahlberg’s size makes it seem as if Papale’s addition to the team is little more than a glorified publicity stunt, the actor delivers a nicely restrained performance that won’t have anybody thinking Rudy. His Papale is a guy who expects to be cut from the team at any moment but—and this is key—still gives 110 percent.
And thus does he win over a city that has problems of its own. Director Ericson Core, who served as his own cinematographer, lays it on a little thick at times. The movie’s palette—all browns and grays—makes the place seem both burnished and tarnished, resplendently grimy. But Philadelphia, during the American Bicentennial, had clearly seen better days, and Core shows us a city that’s reeling from cutbacks and layoffs, labor strikes and season-opening losses to the Dallas Cowboys. You almost expect Bruce Springsteen to emerge from the shadows, crooning a dirge to the Spirit of ’76. Instead, Core goes with a Greatest Hits of the ‘70s compilation, starting with Jim Croce’s “I Got a Name.” And the movie does a good job of saying ‘70s without shouting ‘70s, from Papale’s beat-up Chevy Nova to his ever-so-slightly puffy-sleeved shirt.
Down at the corner bar, where everybody knows your name, Core gets a nice vibe going. These guys live and breathe “Where Eagles Dare,” and you start to see how a touchdown back in 1948 could get someone through the next three decades of his sorry life. But adding Elizabeth Banks to the mix as a bartender who’s every guy’s vision of the perfect football-season girlfriend—she’s smart, funny, sexy and knows her way around a gridiron, although she’s a Giants fan—is pushing things a bit. Yes, it gives Papale somewhere to go when his wife dumps him, but it’s also clearly a sop to the female audience Invincible hopes to attract. (Good luck with that.) Luckily, Papale has more important things on his mind, like cracking a team on which his fellow teammates—vets and rookies alike—resent him for presuming to play at their level.
Core doesn’t milk the moment when Papale holds a genuine Eagles helmet and jersey—his helmet and jersey—in his hands for the first time. In fact, Core doesn’t milk any of the moments, to his credit. But there’s milk nevertheless—Invincible may be set in blue-collar Philadelphia, but it’s also set in the Wonderful World of Disney, home of Miracle and The Rookie (and don’t forget Remember the Titans). And Papale’s story, as inspiring as it already was, has been imagineered into a fairy tale. No, the real Papale hadn’t played college football, but he had played semipro football—a platform from which soaring with the Eagles doesn’t seem like such an impossible dream. Then again, the ex-bartender still holds the record as the oldest rookie ever to play in the NFL. And however dubious that honor may be, it’s still something that all of us over 30 can totally get behind.—Kent Williams
Accepted (PG-13, 90 minutes) Unable to get into college, an enterprising young man (Justin Long from those Mac computer commercials) invents his own fake college in order to fool his overzealous parents. In time, other slacker students flock to him, forcing the opening of a “real” fake school. This one basically throws Ferris Bueller, Animal House and Old School into a cocktail shaker and mixes generously. Earns a few laughs and a barely passing grade. (Devin D. O’Leary) Playing at Regal Downtown Mall 6
Beerfest (R, 110 minutes) From the Broken Lizard comedy team (makers of Super Troopers and…The Dukes of Hazzard, but we’ll ignore that for now) comes this raucous laugher about a team of determined drinkers that travels to Oktoberfest in Germany. There, they uncover a centuries-old secret competition, the Olympics of beer guzzling. And these boys aren’t leaving until the crown rests in American hands. Boobies and substance abuse—how can you go wrong? (D.O.) Playing at Carmike Cinema 6
The Covenant (PG-13) Once a Hollywood player (Die Hard 2, Cliffhanger), now a bit of a pariah (Cutthroat Island, Mindhunters), Finnish director Renny Harlin tries his hand at cheap teen horror. In this modestly budgeted supernatural thriller, four teens are bestowed with ancient mystical powers by their families. In the process, they accidentally unleash an otherworldly evil force and are charged with hunting it down. It’s basically “The Craft,” only with hot boys instead of hot girls. Adapted from the graphic novel by Aron Coleite and Tone Rodriguez. (D.O.) Coming Friday; check local listings
Crank (R, 83 minutes) British tough Jason Statham (The Transporter) stars in this action thriller as a hit man who learns he has been injected with a poison that will kill him if his heart rate drops below below a certain rate. So basically, it’s Speed on a … well, on foot. Oddball cast includes Efran Ramirez (Napoleon Dynamite), Amy Smart (Varsity Blues) and Dwight Yoakam. The action is rough and the film (fortunately) doesn’t take itself too seriously. (D.O.) Playing at Carmike Cinema 6
Crossover (PG-13, 95 minutes) Two pals (one a pre-med student, the other an ex-con) enter a rough-and-tumble, trash-talking streetball tournament in Los Angeles. Think White Men Can’t Jump, but without the white guy. If you play a lot of NBA Ballers on the Xbox, this may be the flick for you. (D.O.) Playing at Carmike Cinema 6
Hollywoodland (R, 126 minutes) Adrien Brody, Diane Lane, Ben Affleck and Bob Hoskins star in this historical mystery. The film speculates on the 1959 death of actor George Reeves, TV’s Superman. Did Reeves commit suicide, or was he murdered by a jealous studio executive? The film’s framing device, about a detective (Brody) investigating the circumstances of Reeves’ demise, actually manages to detract from what could have been a perfectly poignant tale of a Hollywood has-been (played by Affleck). The period recreation is tight, but the script tries too hard to be Citizen Kane or something. (D.O.) Coming Friday; check local listings
How to Eat Fried Worms (PG, 98 minutes) More than a few generations of elementary school kids have grown up reading Thomas Rockwell’s gross-out classic How To Eat Fried Worms (first published in 1973). Now it comes to life on the big screen. Luke Benward (Because of Winn-Dixie) stars as Billy, an ordinary fifth-grader who accepts an ugly challenge from the school bully: eat 15 worms in 15 days. (D.O.) Playing at Carmike Cinema 6
Idlewild (R, 90 minutes) This Prohibition-era musical is set in the American South where Outkast members André 3000 and Big Boi star as a speakeasy performer and a club manager who run afoul of some gangsters who want to take over their juke joint. The music is hot and the look is slick, but the film has been sitting on the shelf for nearly two years. An oddball mixture of music, dancing, animation and singing morticians (don’t ask), make this a curious offering, if nothing else. (D.O.) PLaying at Regal Downtown Mall 6
The Illusionist (PG-13, 110 minutes) Edward Norton stars in this turn-of-the-century fantasy romance about a magician who falls in love with a woman of high social standing (Jessica Biel). When she becomes engaged to a Viennese prince, our magical lover uses his powers to win her back and bring down the royal house. Paul Giamatti is the Chief Inspector stuck with the unenviable task of finding out if our illusionist is a charlatan or a conjurer of extraordinary power. The film has an opulent, old-fashioned and deeply mysterious feel to it. A bit rarified for general audiences, but just the thing for art house crowds looking for pulpy fun. (D.O.) Playing at Regal Downtown Mall 6
Little Miss Sunshine (R, 100 minutes) This pitch-black comedy features a strong cast (Greg Kinnear, Toni Collette, Steve Carell) in the story of a downwardly mobile Albuquerque family that can’t win for losing. Although the filmmakers sometimes press too hard on their theme about the hollowness of the American Dream, the movie often achieves a light, farcical tone that’s touchingly at odds with the mood everybody’s in. (K.W.) Playing at Regal Downtown Mall 6
Mrs. Palfrey at the Claremont (xx, 108 minutes) Dame Joan Plowright stars as the titular lead, an elderly widow who checks into an old-fashioned London hotel looking for independence from her overbearing daughter. There, she meets the usual retinue of colorful residents. Embarassed by an absentee family, Mrs. Palfrey hooks up with an impossibly kindly young writer (Rupert Friend, Pride and Prejudice) who agrees to stand in as her grandson at the occasional dinner. This fairy tale for the geriatric set is all nicely genteel with a couple of tiny surprises and a life lesson or two. Plowright is, not so surpisingly, the highlight here. (D.O.) Playing at Vinegar Hill Theatre
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest (PG-13, 150 minutes) Call it a nasty case of sequelitis, but this second installment in the Disney theme-park franchise is bigger, louder and absolutely determined to entertain. The action sequences more or less work, but the smaller, goofier moments come up short, and that includes Johnny Depp’s surprisingly unsurprising performance as Captain Jack Sparrow. (K.W.) Playing at Regal Seminole Square Cinema 4
The Quiet (R, 91 minutes) Family secrets get revealed after a suburban couple played by Edie Falco and Martin Donovan adopt a recently orphaned deaf girl. Playing at Regal Downtown Mall 6
Snakes on a Plane (R, 106 minutes) Really, what could I possibly add? It’s mother*&#$@ing snakes on a mother*&#$@ing plane! Get yourself to a mother*&#$@ing theater! (D.O.) Playing at Regal Seminole Square Cinema 4
Step Up (PG-13, 98 minutes) You know that film where the uptight, classically trained dancer chick hooks up with the street-smart bad boy to wow the establishment with their radical mixture of ballet and hip-hop while falling in love with one another? Well, this is one of those. If you paid good money for Save the Last Dance, you’ll probably do the same here. (D.O.) Playing at Regal Seminole Square Cinema 4
Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby (PG-13, 100 minutes) Will Ferrell drags a bunch of pals (John C. Reilly, Michael Clarke Duncan, Gary Cole, Sacha Baron Cohen) along for this goofball riff on NASCAR culture. Ferrell stars as a rebel NASCAR driver who suddenly faces stiff competition from a flamboyant French Formula-1 driver (Cohen from “Da Ali G Show”). There’s a continuing feeling that Farrell and friends are just making this thing up as they go along, but that doesn’t stop it form beeing quite funny on occasion. If you liked Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, you’ll be in good hands here, becasue it’s largely the same movie. (D.O.) Playing at Carmike Cinema 6
The Wicker Man (PG-13, 106 minutes) Nicolas Cage stars in this remake of the underrated 1973 British chiller. Cage is a cop investigating the disappearance of a young girl on a remote island where mysterious pagan practices still rule. The film updates the original story quite a bit, but piles on even more creepy atmosphere. Neil LaBute (The Shape of Things, Your Friends & Neighbors) writes and directs. (D.O.) Playing at Regal Seminole Square Cinema 4
World Trade Center (PG-13, 125 minutes) Oliver Stone strips away even the slightest hint of politics to tell the true story of two New York Port Authority policemen trapped in the rubble of the World Trade Center collapse. At its heart an inspirational disaster film, the simple narrative concentrates on the officers (Nicolas Cage, Michael Pena) and their terrified wives (Maggie Gyllenhaal, Maria Bello). This moving and deeply personal tale takes us back to 9/11 not to recall the trauma of that day, but to remind us that it was originally a human story and not a tale of governments, occupying forces and insurgents. There are a lot of Oscar nominations in this one. (D.O.) Playing at Regal Downtown Mall 6