Dear Ace: Know any jokes?—Humor S. Thompson
Dear Humor: Hey, was a Moses a Jew? Ace Atkins, master punster, was voted by his high school classmates Most Likely to Get a Laugh! Though some advance the theory that Ace’s unusual visage and inebriated pratfalls earned him the title, Ace knows that it was really his sense of the ridiculous—and his timing—that made the difference. Does Ace know any jokes? Indeed!
Ace could share one of his all-time favorites, involving an octupus, a bartender and a bagpipe. But even Ace knows the bounds of discretion, by which he means it’s a very dirty joke and unsuitable for the mixed audiences that Ace has cultivated in this column through the years.
So here’s another. Use liberally.
A guy falls ill. He’s very sick—heart attack, swollen organs, the whole thing. He’s taken to a Catholic hospital where he’s well tended to and eventually nursed back to health.
When he’s on the mend, he’s visited by a hospital administrator. “Mr. Jones,” the administrator says, “we have to talk about your medical bills. Do you have any insurance?”
“No, I don’t.”
“I see,” says the administrator. “Do you have any money?”
“No, I’m broke,” comes Jones’ reply.
“Do you have a wife, Mr. Jones, or children who can help you out?”
“I do not,” says Jones. “I’m single. The only family I have is my spinster sister. She’s a nun.”
The adminstrator bristles at this. “I have to object, Mr. Jones,” she says. “Nuns are not spinsters. They are married to God.”
“In that case,” says Jones, “talk to my brother-in-law about the bill.”
Ba-dum-dum. Don’t forget to tip your waitress. Ace will be here all week.