“Armed & Famous”
Wednesday 8pm, CBS
And so it’s come to this. Five washed-up celebs are trained and sworn in as police officers to serve and protect the people of Muncie, Indiana. Not kidding. The “famous” people involved are: “The Osbournes”’ Jack Osbourne; pro wrestler Trish Stratus; Wee Man from “Jackass”; La Toya “no longer the craziest one” Jackson; and, in a case of life imitating art, “CHiPs”’ Erik Estrada totally getting his Ponch on. I have no objection to reality TV producers exploiting the desperation of fame whores, but it’s a little messed up that they’re subjecting an actual police force in an actual town to this type of buffoonery. That said, if I get to watch La Toya Jackson get tazered, I am so in.
“Nashville Star”
Thursday 10pm, USA
For all you haters who argue that “American Idol” contestants lack real musical ability, consider USA’s country-fried talent competition. The fifth season begins tonight, with 10 new contestants who both sing and play songs—no glorified karaoke here. Cowboy Troy returns as co-host, joined this time by Jewel, who replaces past co-hosts LeAnn Rimes and Wynonna. That’s right, Jewel—the alt-folky Lilith Fair staple who sold her creative soul by going dance pop for five seconds and has been scrambling to salvage her wreck of a career ever since. But country? Mmm, no. Perhaps our budding country stars to be can take a few notes on how not to biff the music biz thing.
“Rome”
Sunday 9pm, HBO
This show totally took me by surprise. I expected an interesting historical drama and got that plus the juiciest nighttime soap since “Melrose Place.” I should have known—nobody does lying, manipulating and backstabbing like the ancient Romans. Quite literally on that last count, as we saw at the end of Season 1 with the offing of Julius Caesar. Now in Season 2, we can look forward to more of the charming, yet petulant Mark Antony; more delicious bitchery from Atia and Servilia (seriously; Joan Collins, eat your heart out); the puppet Octavian’s rise to power; and much more of a little lady named Cleopatra.