It looks like the local kerfuffle du jour has made its way to, of all places, Baltimore. John Woestendiek, a reporter at the Baltimore Sun, posted about Albemarle County’s decision to begin fining owners of obnoxious dogs.
Woestendiek basically offers a gloss of the ordinance that the Board of Supervisors passed on June 11. It says that a neighbor who’s pissed off at a dog that won’t stop barking has legal recourse. This involves the simple process of trekking on down to the magistrate’s office, swearing out a warrant, providing proof that the dog in question barked for longer than 30 minutes without—and I’ll quote from the ordinance here—"cessation of such sound for time periods greater than five minutes during the thirty consecutive minutes."
The ordinance, however, doesn’t specify what kind of proof is needed. Picture, if you will, a judge having to listen to a recording of a dog barking for half an hour. If it were me, I’d probably be inclined to lock up anyone who records such things.
Woestendiek doesn’t offer much in the way of commentary, but there is no dearth of that in the local media. I’ve got a story coming out Tuesday of Dog Barking Commentary’s greatest hits.
There was one, though, that was utterly unsurprising. It pops up whenever a local government around here (I’m looking at you, Albemarle County) tries to institute some kind of ordinance that most places with more than three people per square mile passed some time before the Battle of the Bulge—say, like "No shooting guns in the general direction of children" or "No more than four armadillos per apartment patio." In fact, when I heard about the proposed ordinance, I wondered low long it would take to emerge.
Not long. Joanne Hayden, take it away:
“Tonight I feel like I am moving into the People’s Republic of Albemarle.”
Ms. Hayden spoke thus at the BoS meeting. Look, I know we think we’re being really clever when we compare Charlottesville to Communist China, but I wonder if we can decide, as a people, that this rhetorical devise is overused and ultimately boring. Let’s put a stop to the "People’s Republic of Whatever." It’s just so … I don’t know … Cold War-ish.
But don’t worry, people. I’m not going to leave you without means to compare sensible government to murderous authoritarian regimes. What fun would that be?
So I propose a new devise for those who want to keep government off our backs and out of our barnyards. I actually stole it from my girlfriend’s uncle. He calls Charlottesville "Charlottastan," as in Afghanistan, Pakistan and all those others ‘stans where grumpy fundamentalists grow beards and make life miserable.
It believe it also works with the county … "Albemarlastan." Not quite as catchy, but functional. Kind of like the county.
So, whadaya say? Can we make that switch? Beside, Communism is so pre-September 11 in terms of culturally referencing totalitarianism. Be a pioneer. Be a patriot. Be the first one to use either sobriquet at a public meeting or letter to the editor.