“2008 Summer Olympics Opening Ceremony”
Friday 8pm, NBC
Oh, I am so excited! Normally I don’t care for sports. Anything with “–ball” on the end typically has me falling into a coma by halftime, or rolling my eyes at the crass commercialism of it all. But the Olympics! The Olympics I get completely geeked out about. There’s something about it—maybe it’s the whole world-coming-together thing, maybe it’s the inspirational stories, maybe it’s just getting to hang out with Bob Costas for a couple weeks—that just sucks me in and takes over my entire life. Or maybe it’s just the gymnastics. Or the diving. Or the track and field. Or the swimming. Whatever! I can’t get enough.
Although this year we might put that maxim to the test. In an age of media conglomeration and time-shifting TiVos, it’s plausible that Americans could actually watch all of the events they want to see. NBC and its affiliate networks will air an astounding 1,400 hours of Olympic coverage over the ensuing 16 days, with an additional 2,200 hours available online. Amazing, no? There’s no guarantee that what’s there will be good—that Michael Phelps will crush more swimming records, or that we’ll even approach the giddy delight that was John Tesh commentating the 1996 gymnastics competition (two words: Li Xiaoshuang!)—but it’ll be there. And I will be glued to the couch for most of it. It’ll be interesting to see what happens with tonight’s opening ceremonies, since original consultant Steven Spielberg pulled out due to that whole human-rights-violations thing. Instead, we get Celine Dion. Can’t win ’em all!
“American Mall”
Monday 9pm, MTV
If you thought High School Musical and “Camp Rock” offered the lowest common denominator in teen exploitation, wait until you get a load of MTV’s hyper-calculated response. “American Mall” is another ’tween-oriented musical featuring typically attractive, marginally talented wannabe stars “dancing” and “singing” about crushes, school and mean girls. But that’s not all! In addition to the sure-to-be-grating soundtrack, MTV has made a buck by essentially selling the movie out to Sears: In addition to heavily featuring Sears fashions, it was actually shot in Sears locations. Oh, MTV! You may have finally reached your nadir. At least the cast is a step up from Disney’s chaff, with Autumn Reeser (Taylor Townsend from “The O.C.”), Nina Dobrev (from the excellent Canadian teen soap “Degrassi: The Next Generation”), and Neil Haskell (the twink heartthrob from “So You Think You Can Dance”’s third season) in the mix.