Sometimes, couples want to introduce new elements into their sex lives, such as using toys or role-playing, but they may be worried about feeling too self-conscious. I was asked the other day, how can you overcome the giggle factor with each other? Here’s what I tell people:
The more you giggle the better! It’s the best way to loosen up. Somehow, for many people, sex ends up being very serious and their entire focus becomes on achieving better erections, reaching superior orgasms, and performing at their best in front of their partner. Relax, people! It’s not the Olympics.
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Don’t start with a triple treat vibrator with numerous arms that can be hard to figure out where to place, but choose a simple toy that appeals to both of you. |
Why not replace one P-word, “Performance” with another one, “Pleasure?” Have fun, relax with each other, and by all means, giggle as much as you like. An ironic side effect is that by doing just that, you often end up having more enjoyable orgasms without having to worry about them. (Same with his erections.)
Start your quest for a more relaxed approach to sex by making a trip to Spencer Gifts at the Fashion Square Mall—together. You may start giggling right there, searching the aisles for fun and harmless sex games that might appeal to you. If you prefer the Downtown Mall for shopping, go to Cha Cha’s and pick up a set of Sex Flash Cards or a booklet of Sex Coupons.
Or if that’s not enough, go to Barnes & Nobles’ stuffed sex book aisle. Don’t worry about being seen searching those topics in public. It’s as O.K. as being in the cookbook section, probably even better. All you are doing is planning to introduce a little spice into your sex life.
And if you don’t have any sex toys already and you don’t want to go online to get them, you should check out Ultimate Bliss just off Rte. 29N, or the back room of Videos Etc. on Fontaine Ave. You need to be 18 or older to do so.
Another way of getting your hands on sex toys in a discreet, yet relaxed and educational way is to let Rain Krause or Tess Sprouse throw you a Passion Party right in your own house. This way, your girlfriends can benefit as well. Call Rain at 249-4296 or Tess at (540) 308-0589.
The trick about minimizing self-consciousness when you start introducing sex toys is to take baby steps at first. Don’t start with a triple treat vibrator with numerous arms that can be hard to figure out where to place, but choose a simple toy that appeals to both of you. You can always advance to more sophisticated toys as you get used to using them. And you may want to try the toy out on your own first.
As far as role-playing is concerned, you should talk to your partner about it first. What would you both like to do, and more important, what would you not like? Getting on the same page about this beforehand is crucial in order to avoid awkward moments. And it also requires that you feel very comfortable with your partner.
I can recommend the book Love Skills by sex therapist Linda De Villers. She takes you through different stages, step by step. De Villers first teaches you vertical Love Talk (when you are standing up, as for example in the kitchen or while walking together), followed by horizontal Love Talk in the bedroom.
Following is a section about Body Love, starting with learning to love your own body, and then your partner’s. After that the book advances you to learning different Love Touches and finally, for those who are inclined, there is a great section on Love Play (including creative, oral, and daring love play). In case you need it, there is a chapter on “Love Skills Tips for Anxious Moments” at the end.
Annette Owens, MD, Ph.D., is certified by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists. She has co-edited the four-volume book, Sexual Health (Praeger).