Soon we’ll ring in another new year, and that means many of us will be anywhere from partially to unequivocally hammered in large groups of people. Situations like these demand public speaking—toasts!
I know what you’re thinking: “Who the hell are you to give me advice on making toasts?” Let’s just say that I’m the guy who’s checked out multiple library books on the subject.
I’m also the guy who, in front of 350 people, raised his glass to a new bride and groom and said, “I’d like to make a turd.” I was the best man, I’d spent the previous three hours riding a noxious river of good wine and cheap scotch, and what I meant to say was something in between “make a toast” and “say some words”; what came out was “turd.” I’ve been sober since.
A good toast involves opposites, paradox, or some sort of rhetorical reversal: “May the best of this year be the worst of next.”
Or, you can be an especially good party guest and go the Dorothy Parker route:
“I like to have a martini,
two at the very most.
After three I’m under the table,
after four I’m under my host.”
These are fine toasts, standard if reliable fare, but they don’t speak to our more localized condition. So here are five toasts that you can use this New Year’s Eve that celebrate people and places more near, if not dear, to our hearts.—Scott Weaver
To Creigh Deeds
In defeat may you find
that your wisdom increases—
next time forget
the graduate thesis.
To the Meadowcreek Parkway
May its traffic move as quickly as its construction.
To the Albemarle Board of Supes
May your rightward swing turn forests to kindle:
Bad news for woods (other than Wendell).
To Mike London
Come August, may your ’backers slash,
your receivers gash;
may your team once again fill
Scott Stadium.
In the meantime it’s wise
to recruit some young guys
from that forgotten area code:
the 757.
To Al Groh
Just go.
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