Hollywood is content to blow shit up in the months before May and after August in a way it never used to be, but the dog days are still the time* to find the most literal bang for your dinero. Here’s what the studios are pushing, and what we think.
The Great Gatsby
Does anyone really want to see The Great Gatsby on the screen? Maybe Baz Luhrmann can make Jay Gatsby (Leonardo DiCaprio) into someone we can identify with while not wanting to strangle Nick (Tobey Maguire) and Daisy (Carey Mulligan). Luhrmann (Moulin Rouge) certainly knows flash, which is just what the jazz age needs. (May 10)
Star Trek Into Darkness
It’s become fashionable to wait a million years between sequels, but even non-Star Trek fans like J.J. Abrams’ 2009 reboot. And we had to suffer through Super 8 in the interim? Weak. Here’s to Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto busting some ass. (May 17)
The Hangover III and Fast & Furious 6
There comes a time in every franchise’s life when its producers and studio must make a decision: Kill it or get the defibrillator. The Hangover II—which was the same movie as The Hangover, but not funny—deserved kill status. The Fast and the Furious should have died in the script phase. In 2000. (May 24)
After Earth
Will Smith and son Jaden Smith star in this sci-fi tale of who gives a shit? Sorry. But seriously, this movie has an original story by Will Smith and direction by M. Night Shyamalan which gives it the appeal of pissing up a flagpole. (June 7)
This is the End
This is the story of six friends (James Franco, Jonah Hill, Seth Rogen, Jay Baruchel, Danny McBride, and Craig Robinson) living in a house and having their lives taped…as the world ends. Find out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting real. Note: It involves me vomiting. And is MTV getting residuals? (June 12)
Man of Steel
In the most recent trailer, Clark Kent’s father (Kevin Costner) suggests a bus load of kids should have died so that Clark (Henry Cavill)’s powers would remain a secret. With a story by Christopher Nolan and David S. Goyer (The Dark Knight), consider me on board until further notice. (June 14)
World War Z
Zombies. Fast zombies. Expensive zombies. Brad Pitt and zombies. Big, big changes from the zombie novel. Lackluster trailer. Bored with zombies. (June 21)
White House Down
Whoa, whoa. I thought Gerard Butler saved the White House already this year (Olympus Has Fallen). Do I have to sit through this crap again? At least this movie has Channing Tatum and Jamie Foxx. (June 28)
The Lone Ranger
I would have loved to sit in on this pitch meeting. Producer: “Guys, let’s update a dead genre with a notoriously difficult history in the way it portrays Native Americans and cast Johnny Depp as Tonto.” Exec: “Green light. Can’t lose.” (July 3)
Grown Ups 2
How do guys who look like Adam Sandler and Kevin James have wives that look like Salma Hayek and Maria Bello? And why isn’t Rob Schneider in this sequel to Grown Ups? Scheduling conflict my ass. (July 12)
Red 2
Hey, whippersnapper. Shootin’ guns ain’t just for the young’uns. Bruce Willis and Helen Mirren proved that with Red, and they’ll prove it again with Red 2. Do me a favor and load my Glock while I power nap, O.K.? (July 19)
Girl Most Likely
Kristen Wiig stars as a loser trying to put her life back together. If that sounds like Bridesmaids, you’re not crazy! But in this movie, her mother is Annette Bening, probably because Jill Clayburgh died before Bridesmaids was released. And Girl Most Likely story sounds totally different on paper (sarcasm implied). But Bridesmaids was fun, so whatever. (July 19)
The Wolverine
They should have called him “The Dork.” Hugh Jackman and his Adamantium claws return. (July 26)
2 Guns
In this corner, we have Denzel Washington. In the other corner, we have Mark Wahlberg, former underwear model and bad actor. Gentlmen, shake hands and let the dick measuring begin. (We even called it 2 Guns, Get it?) (August 2)
*I’ve done no research to determine whether that’s true.
Playing this week:
42
Regal Stonefield 14 and IMAX
21 and Over
Carmike Cinema 6
Admission
Regal Downtown Mall Cinema 6
The Big Wedding
Regal Stonefield 14 and IMAX
The Company You Keep
Regal Downtown Mall Cinema 6
The Croods 3D
Regal Stonefield 14 and IMAX
Evil Dead
Regal Stonefield 14 and IMAX
From Up On Poppy Hill
Regal Downtown Mall Cinema 6
G.I. Joe Retaliation 3D
Regal Stonefield 14 and IMAX
The Hobbit:
An Unexpected Journey
Carmike Cinema 6
The Host
Regal Stonefield 14 and IMAX
The Incredible Burt Wonderstone
Carmike Cinema 6
Iron Man
Regal Stonefield 14 and IMAX
Jack the Giant Slayer
Carmike Cinema 6
Jurassic Park 3D
Regal Stonefield 14 and IMAX
Mud
Regal Stonefield 14 and IMAX
Oblivion
Regal Stonefield 14 and IMAX
Olympus Has Fallen
Regal Stonefield 14 and IMAX
Oz the Great and Powerful
Regal Stonefield 14 and IMAX
Pain & Gain
Regal Stonefield 14 and IMAX
The Place Beyond the Pines
Regal Downtown Mall Cinema 6
Room 237
Vinegar Hill Theatre
Safe Haven
Carmike Cinema 6
Snitch
Carmike Cinema 6
Scary Movie V
Regal Stonefield 14 and IMAX
Silver Linings Playbook
Regal Downtown Mall Cinema 6
Trance
Carmike Cinema 6
Wreck-It Ralph 3D
Carmike Cinema 6
Movie houses
Carmike Cinema 6
973-4294
Regal Downtown Mall
Cinema 6
979-7669
Regal Stonefield 14 and IMAX
244-3213
Vinegar Hill Theatre
977-4911