Int. living room—evening
A large-screen television flickers, the pale light providing the sole illumination as a thin arm reaches out and flicks ash from a dying cigarette into an empty highball glass. Camera pans back, revealing the worn back of a La-Z-Boy recliner, along with its inhabitant’s other hand, thumb working furiously at the cracked screen of an off-brand Android phone.
Phone buzzes. The chorus of Gary Numan’s “Cars” fills the air. Jim Gilmore, former governor and current presidential aspirant, stabs at his phone until the voice of Jim Webb, former senator and current presidential aspirant, echoes on speaker.
Jim Webb: Jim.
Jim Gilmore: Talk to me.
JW: Jim! It’s Jim.
JG: Jim who?
JW: Ha ha. Mr. 2 Percent, that’s who.
JG: Screw you.
JW: Dude, are you watching this shitshow?
JG (feigning indignation): What, the debate? Of course I am. Haven’t you been following my tweets?
JW: Uh, course. Hold on.
JG: What.
JW: Hillary just texted.
JG: What?
JW: It’s nothing. She wants to know what shampoo I use. Anyway, holy cow, those tweets!
JG: I know, right?
JW: I mean, “Trump doesn’t understand the Constitution.” “Dr. Carson waffles.” “Fiorina ducked the question.” It’s like you’re calling the most boring MMA fight in history.
JG: Oh, you think you’re gonna do better? That crazy-haired Vermont commie is eating your lunch.
JW: He’s just a fad. College kids like him.
JG: Like Obama.
JW: Yeah, but white.
JG: What?
JW: No, I mean…
JG: Are you watching this?
JW: Man, Carly is killing it.
JG: Totally.
JW: I can’t wait ’til I can get up there and yell my damn fool head off. That’s gonna be so sweet.
JG: Don’t count your chickens.
JW: I’ve only got four chickens. You have like 16 chickens.
JG: You have five chickens.
JW: Do not.
JG: Lincoln Chafee. Ring a bell?
JW: He is not running. Is he?
JG: Wait, hold on, this is epic. I’m going to tweet right now. You’re going to retweet this, right?
JW: Sure. Wait, hold on, I think my Twitter’s broken, it’s all like … (Static, then silence. Gilmore sighs and pours himself another drink).
Odd Dominion is an unabashedly liberal, twice-monthly op-ed column covering Virginia politics.