Nothing says, “Happy anniversary, sweetheart” like rubber dog turds.
I had a rough night. I had a dream that I drank the world’s biggest
margarita, and I woke up—there was salt around the toilet bowl.
That’s not good right there. Thank goodness I didn’t eat the worm at the bottom, I’ll tell you that right now.
I went out with this one girl, and she scared me. One day she says to me, “Soon you’re gonna hear the pitter-patter of little feet!” and I’m thinking, “Oh Lord, she’s pregnant” …She ended up leavin’ me for a midget.
My sister is covered in moles. We used to just call her “Moley.” Then
she went down to the church and got herself saved. Now we call her
“Holy Moley.” And she married a Mexican feller, now we call her
“Guaca-Moley”!
Remember when [Rosie O’Donnell] had Tom Selleck on her program a while back? She blind-sided Tom Selleck! He’s a good fella, ain’t never hurt nobody, but he’s in the NRA, so she hates that. She was like, “Well, you’re in the NRA. Let me tell you something, Tom: Guns kill people!” Do you believe she said that? On the Rosie O’Fatass show! She looks right at him and says, “Guns kill people!” Let me tell you something: Husbands that come home early kill people! All right? The gun was just sitting there! If guns kill people, I can blame misspelled words on my pencil! Git-r-done!
I was madder than a one-legged waitress workin’ at the IHOP!
I was madder than a Keebler Elf getting demoted to fudge-packer!
That’s funny, I don’t care who you are, that’s funny right there. If you don’t think that’s funny, you get the hell outta here.
Scene: Larry is in line at Wal-Mart and in front of him is a guy with one of those elaborate metal head braces with the bolts going into his head. The guy is patting his pockets. Larry asks him what’s wrong. “I think I’ve lost my keys,” he says. “Well,” Larry says, “You’d lose your head if it wasn’t screwed on!”