New Year’s Eve TV
Wednesday, multiple channels
My fellow shut-ins and social pariahs: Let’s all vow to close out 2008 the way we spent most of it, with our asses glued to the couch and our peepers set squarely on the tube. Who needs to interact with actual people anyway, right? New Year’s Eve offers multiple viewing options, from the traditional countdowns (Ryan Seacrest and the now-terrifying Dick Clark on ABC, 10pm; the even more terrifying Carson Daly on NBC, 10pm; queen dream team Kathy Griffin and Anderson Cooper on CNN, 11pm) to TV show marathons (“Dog the Bounty Hunter” on A&E, 8am-4am; “CSI” on Spike, 9am-midnight; “South Park” on Comedy Central, 9pm-1am; “Twilight Zone” on Sci-Fi, 8am-5:30am on Friday). The lovelorn among us may want to catch screenings of Pride & Prejudice (Oxygen, 6pm and 9pm) or Maid in Manhattan (FX, 8pm and 10pm) and wonder why we don’t have boyfriends like Mr. Darcy or Ralph Fiennes. Or you could ponder what the hell USA is thinking with back-to-back screenings of Elf (6am-4am) on December 31.
“Superstars of Dance”
Sunday 9pm, Monday 8pm, NBC
Dance shows are rivaling police procedurals in the ubiquitous programming department lately. You’ve got “Dancing with the Stars,” “So You Think You Can Dance,” “America’s Best Dance Crew,” “Step It Up and Dance,” “Your Mama Don’t Dance”—it goes on like this. This new talent show puts an exotic twist on the proceedings by featuring professional dancers from eight countries—Argentina, Australia, China, India, Ireland, Russia, South Africa and the USA—competing via solo dance, duos, and group numbers. (The real question: Why were we robbed of the rich cultural movements sure to spring from the Canada contingent?) “Lord of the Dance” Michael Flatley bravely hosts the proceedings despite his crippling shirt allergy.
“Game Show in my Head”
Saturday 8pm, CBS
This new game show, masterminded by modern-day Puck Ashton Kutcher, mixes elements of “Candid Camera,” “Punk’d,” and “Jackass,” with the additional motivating factor of cold, hard cash. Participants are fitted with an earpiece from which host/professional tormentor Joe Rogan (formerly of “Fear Factor,” and now seemingly devoid of any sense of shame) instructs them to perform various humiliating tasks in public. How much money they make depends on how willing they are to debase themselves. Will the young jock scamper about on the street in nothing but his Underoos, begging passers-by to clothe him? Will the fat guy stuck in a Port-a-Potty be able to harangue people into doing his bidding? Or will Kutcher have to hit up Demi to pay next month’s mortgage if this goes the way of “Opportunity Knocks”?