Author: Chris O'Shea

Paula Deen is sorry, y’all. In an interview on “The Today Show,” the 66-year-old celebrity chef sobbed and explained that everyone had her wrong. That includes Lisa Jackson, the fired employee who filed a lawsuit claiming Deen committed acts of violence, racism, and discrimination against her. It includes those who heard Deen say that she used the “n-word” and then explain that she didn’t know if that word was offensive to black people or not.

Deen came off as more than slightly off her rocker during that appearance, but she did what she had to do: apologize—no matter how disingenuous it seemed—and move on. The celebrity apology is often awkward, but always necessary.

A fairly typical celebrity life cycle goes something like this: Rise to fame, do something stupid, see fame plummet, apologize for stupidity, wait a bit, rise back to fame. There are some that somehow avoid controversy—like Tom Hanks, whose only mistakes are “Bosom Buddies” and not publicly condemning his son for referring to himself as Chet Haze—but they’re few and far between. Celebrities are people, and people aren’t perfect.

Katie Falcone, project manager for the Ivy Group, a local marketing firm, explained that Deen, like many celebrities, had to announce her regret. “Apologies are certainly expected of celebrities,” she told me via e-mail. “And if a celebrity wants to maintain an ounce of control over their brand, they must quickly issue a solid, honest, sincere apology.” Falcone’s assessment of Deen’s mea culpa? “Halfway there” because she “continued to worm around questions and paint herself as a victim.”

Even though Deen’s apology was merely a confused performance—she actually said the phrase “I is what I is,”—it will likely work. One day, she’ll be back. Former US Representative Anthony Weiner sent lewd pictures of himself to women and when he was caught, denied it. Of course everyone knew the sexts contained Weiner’s weiner, and eventually he issued an apology. He’s now the frontrunner in New York City’s mayoral race.

I don’t believe Deen is sorry for using racial slurs. Her appearance on “Today” merely exposed her for being exactly who she is: A gregarious woman who cooks high-calorie food and isn’t very bright. But like all celebrity apologies, it was needed. And now? We wait until the next time a public figure says something offensive. Which is probably happening right this second.

Endorsement Deals Paula Deen Lost Because of the Lawsuit and Her Comments (Update below)

Smithfield Foods: Anyone who misses eating Paula Deen hams should pour salt on an end table and chew on it. Same experience.

Target: Someone just put a Paula Deen skillet on eBay for $2,500.

The Food Network: Bobby Flay is likely happy about this.

Caesars Entertainment Corporation: America is a better place with four less buffet-style restaurants.

Home Depot: “Paula Deen basting brush” doesn’t sound right anyway.

Novo Nordisk: Deen, a Type 2 diabetic who made a career out of pushing fatty food, will no longer profit from helping people become unhealthy enough that they have to use Nordisk’s products.

Walmart: When Walmart drops you, you know you’ve done something bad.

Update: Since I submitted this piece, Deen has also lost deals with QVC, Sears, Kmart, J.C. Penney and Random House. Her cookbook, which was set to debut in October but will no longer be published, currently ranks number one on Amazon.com’s Best Sellers list. America!

On March 1, 2013, Justin Drew Bieber tweeted that he had just experienced the “worst birthday.” It was later revealed that the vague message had something to do with a club’s owners throwing Bieber and his pals out because they suspected some were underage. Bieber disputed this, and I dispute that this qualifies as a “worst” birthday. While some see the tiny Canadian’s angst-filled tweet as the start of a terrible downward spiral, it’s not. That brief note was the moment when Bieber finally became interesting.

By my count, there are a total of 26 musical acts performing at the Jefferson, the Pavilion and John Paul Jones Arena this summer. Since C’Ville is a small town, none of them are anywhere near the level of Bieber’s stardom. You could certainly argue that they’re all more talented than Bieber, but none—even Taylor Swift who’s coming to JPJ in September—would generate the type of mass hysteria that the singer would bring. Especially now. Since his 19th birthday, Bieber has conducted himself in a way that has made people genuinely worry. Or at least worry as much as a stranger can possibly worry about another stranger who happens to have nice hair. Everywhere you turn, people are asking “What’s wrong with Bieber?” In fact, if Dr. Drew doesn’t host an hour-long show on the subject soon, I’m going to start worrying about Dr. Drew.

Not that people don’t have reasons to be concerned. Here’s a brief rundown of some of Bieber’s antics over the past few months, in no particular order: He was photographed with weed; he tried to fight a photographer; German customs officials seized his monkey (not a euphemism); Keyshawn Johnson yelled at him for speeding; he’s being sued by another photographer for allegedly stealing his camera’s memory card; he and his manager booked a flight with Virgin Galactic to travel into space; and he wore gold chains, sunglasses, leather pants, and a leather button up shirt to an NBA game.

While the outfit seems to indicate a need for extensive counseling, everything else strikes me as a 19-year-old multi-millionaire finally being able to act like a person. Bieber’s career began when he was just 13 years old. He has never had the chance to be stupid like a normal, stupid teenager can be. This random weird behavior is a good thing. I want more immaturity from Bieber, not less. The same goes for the nation’s public, media outlets, and critics. They’re proclaiming their concern while smiling internally, because this is exactly what we want out of our celebrities: constant (purported) insanity sprinkled with (minor) respectability. Bieber is now following the formula, making him more American than he’ll ever know. U.S.A., U.S.A., U.S.A.

Celebrities Actually Worth Worrying About, Ranked From “They’ll Probably Be Okay” to “Should Be Hospitalized.”

The Goo Goo Dolls

Brad Pitt

Gwyneth Paltrow

Kanye West

Amanda Bynes

I’ve been thinking a lot about weddings and marriage recently. This is mostly because as a husband I’m required to say that I’m pondering my marriage (in a good way, “Hi honey!”) at least once a month, but also because I attended a friend’s wedding at Pippin Hill last weekend. Also, “The Bachelorette” just returned for its ninth season. My wife likes that show, and so occasionally, when I can stomach it, I sit with her and we mock everything about it.

This season of “The Bachelorette” features Desiree Hartsock. Hartsock was bounced by “The Bachelor”’s Sean Lowe, but apparently didn’t take the hint that maybe reality TV isn’t the best place to find someone you care about. And so Hartsock is at it again. Ready to find Mr. Right among a slew of Mr. Wrongs, in a setting that couldn’t be further from reality. Of course that’s what people love about “The Bachelorette” and the original “The Bachelor.” These shows are nothing like what meeting someone, dating them, and then marrying them is like in real life. No one would watch a real reality show. And that brings me to this week’s list.

What “The Bachelorette” Would Look Like if Realistic and Set in C’ville:

Less is more. Each date on “The Bachelorette” is insanely amazing. There are helicopter rides, private concerts and rock climbing. In the C’ville version, Desiree would find herself at Tavola so often she’d get sick of it, and the guy who brings her to The Melting Pot would get cut halfway through the meal.

Corner grouping. The group dates are the best, in terms of awkward moments. Throw a collection of guys together who were handpicked to be on the show because of how weird they are, and good things happen. I’d like to see all group dates take place on The Corner, because there’s no shot the guys make it through a night at Trinity without trying to impress Desiree with their dancing. Everyone wins when guys try to dance. Aside from the guy dancing.

Dressed down. When the men first meet Desiree, they’re all decked out in the finest clothes. But this isn’t what they really dress like. In the C’ville “Bachelorette,” 22 out of the 25 men would be wearing a fleece jacket. The other three would be wearing something from Patagonia.

Rosey way. The rose ceremony, where we get the chance to watch the men get cut from the show, would likely take place on the Downtown Mall. The only obstacle to this is avoiding the Clapping Man, that guy who walks around Downtown endlessly clapping and chanting. Actually, if there’s a way he could be the next Bachelor, I’m setting my DVR right now.

Get to it. Each season, “The Bachelorette” gets to invite the final guys to the “Fantasy Suite.” This is Desiree’s chance to do the horizontal (not always!) hokey pokey in a pre-approved, sexy sex lair. I’m thinking maybe the Omni, but depending on how deep Desiree’s pockets are, they could just end up behind Waffle House.

Throughout her career, Beyoncé has been universally adored. But next month, when the extremely successful singer, songwriter, dancer, actress, and lady with fantastic hips brings her tour stateside, I imagine things will be different. It has been almost taboo—up until this point—to say you don’t like Beyoncé. She’s never given us any reason not to. But now she has, and so this is it. Beyoncé’s fame has reached its tipping point.

The cracks in Beyoncé’s armour first appeared after President Obama’s second inauguration. She was assigned to sing the national anthem, but she didn’t. She lip-synched. Beyoncé admitted that she didn’t sing because there wasn’t enough rehearsal time, so she didn’t feel “comfortable taking a risk.” Pounding a 12-pack and then riding a horse for the first time is taking a risk. Beyoncé, a 17-time Grammy winner, singing live, even without much practice, is not.

Shortly after LipGate, Beyoncé performed during the Super Bowl halftime show. I remember thinking that she nailed it. BuzzFeed did too. The site published photos capturing Beyoncé’s “33 Fiercest Moments.” Horrible headline aside, it was simply a series of pictures of the singer with captions praising her. Almost immediately after the post went live, Beyoncé’s PR team e-mailed BuzzFeed asking them to “take down the unflattering photos” and replace them with ones that had Bey’s stamp of approval.

As weird as that was, Beyoncé topped that with her “documentary,” “Beyoncé: Life is But a Dream.” It was by far the most narcissistic piece of art I’ve ever seen. Not that you had to watch the film to figure that out. “Beyoncé: Life is But a Dream” is a documentary about Beyoncé directed by Beyoncé. Pretty self-explanatory.

The latest in a string of control freak behavior from Beyoncé was the decision to ban all media outlets from sending photographers to document her tour. The move prompted protest from 19 news outlets. Tom Daly, a Charlottesville-based professional photographer who often works with musicians, also took issue with Bey’s actions. “I understand artists wanting to maintain control over their image, and I certainly am in that same boat as a photographer, but I think this policy can backfire on bands,” he explained. “Due to this, the main images people will be seeing of Beyoncé are camera phone photos, which as we all know are not as high quality as pro shots.”

I want to keep enjoying Beyoncé, but she’s making it too difficult. She’s a role model for young girls everywhere, so what is she telling them by lip-synching and trying to stop “bad” photos of her from being published? If Beyoncé (easily one of the most beautiful and talented women alive) doesn’t think she’s good enough or pretty enough, somewhere a teen with Beyoncé’s poster on the wall is wondering if her jeans make her look fat.

Beyoncé has always been a carefully crafted product. There’s never been much depth to her. Unfortunately, we’re finally seeing what’s underneath, and it’s not pleasant. The public backlash is about to begin, and with no shell to protect her, Beyoncé is going to feel it. As her husband and Kanye West pointed out, there’s no church in the wild.

Famous People Who are Crazier Than Beyoncé, Yet Still More Likable:

Demi Moore

Christian Bale

Rhianna

Prince

Mariah Carey

Alex Trebek

The day starts normally. You get into the office and grab a water from the fridge. Before closing the door, you notice that Lisa has (once again) brought Lunchables. You curse her under your breath because you’re envious of the vacuum-sealed deli meat treat (accompanied by Capri Sun). As you walk to your desk, you make a mental note to talk about Lisa behind her back. Once you’re settled in, you do some work. After 11 minutes you’ve earned a break. You direct your browser to Facebook and notice that you’ve been invited to an event. That’s when the panic sets in.

The Facebook event invite is a complex thing. For some, it’s no big deal. Others, like myself, inject a great deal of emotion into the process. I wasn’t always like this. Before moving to Charlottesville a year ago, my wife and I lived in Brooklyn for seven years. I disregarded invites with the best of them.

However, living in C’ville has changed the way I treat the digital invitations. I have to. I run into someone I know about once every 17 seconds. There they are! Being nice! This means I must be nice, too. And so I now take the Facebook invite seriously. If I reply that I’m not going or simply ignore the invite altogether, I’ll see that person the next day and yes, they’ll say “hi” and smile because people are friendly here. But rightfully so, they’ll judge me later.

Now you’re probably thinking, “This guy has too much time on his hands, but he sure is handsome” and maybe “What do my Facebook replies say about me?” This week’s list will help.

What Your Facebook Event Invite Reply and Subsequent Action Says About You:

A going reply, and you attend. Congrats. You’re a great person. Your friends can depend on you. You’re basically the best. You’re 1984 Ralph Macchio.

A going reply, and you don’t attend. You’re unreliable and people aren’t sure what to make of you. You own Maroon 5’s acoustic album and voted for George W. Bush. Twice.

A maybe reply, and you attend. You’re honest. You deal with life as it comes, and aren’t afraid to say exactly how you feel. You’ve visited the Grand Canyon, but weren’t that impressed with it.

A maybe reply, and you don’t attend. You sometimes struggle with commitments and often stretch yourself too thin. You miss going to Blockbuster.

A no reply, and you don’t attend. You’re an introvert and feel overwhelmed by crowds. You tell people you liked “The Wonder Years” even though you didn’t.

A no reply, and you attend. You’re an easy person to get along with, but slightly mysterious. If you murdered someone, your friend would tell NBC29 that the charges “sound about right.”

You ignore the invite. You frustrate people. You wear True Religion jeans.

Let’s say it’s 2028, and you’ve decided to watch the new film Before The Finish. The plot is based on the 2013 Boston Marathon bombing, which killed three and injured hundreds. Despite such a heavy topic, the film features plenty of comic relief, like the person setting the bombs forgetting to replace the detonator’s batteries. Sure, there’s gruesome death in Before The Finish, but it plays out like a comedy.

With the Boston Marathon attack only days old, the scenario sounds ridiculous. How could someone ever create a lighthearted view of such a tragedy, and why would anyone want to see it presented in that way? That’s exactly what some are wondering about Pain & Gain, the new film starring Mark Wahlberg and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.

Pain & Gain, which debuts this Friday, is based on the real-life tale of three bodybuilders turned murderers. Their story was captured in 1999 in a series of articles in the The Miami New Times. In the early 1990s, dedicated members of the Sun Gym—Daniel Lugo, Noel Doorbal and Jorge Delgado—hatched a get-rich-quick scheme that quickly escalated from extortion to kidnapping to torture to murder. For their crimes, Lugo and Doorbal were sentenced to death and currently sit on death row. Delgado turned state’s witness and is serving out his jail sentence.

Zsuzsanna Griga will not be seeing Pain & Gain. Her brother was beaten to death by the Sun Gym Gang. The trio killed his girlfriend by injecting her with horse tranquilizer. The bodybuilders then cut both of them up and dumped their bodies. Griga told The Associated Press that she, and others impacted by the Sun Gym Gang’s crimes, was disgusted to find out that Pain & Gain puts a comedic spin on the events. “It’s horrible what happened to them,” said Griga. “I don’t want the American public to be sympathetic to the killers.”

Griga’s stance on Pain & Gain begs the question: Should there be ethical standards for art? Could Before The Finish—starring Will Ferrell as a lovable, shirtless terrorist—come out next year? Is it even okay for a film to depict horrific, true life acts with a side of hilarious hijinks? I want to say that art can be whatever the artist wants it to be. But then I ask myself, what if it was my daughter who was dismembered? What if it was my brother who was killed in the bombing? I don’t know the answers, but maybe the fact that I’m asking so many questions is the only goal art ever needs to accomplish.

Dos and Don’ts of Downtown ACAC:

Do: Run around the tiny indoor track if you’re cool with people watching you and wondering why you just don’t run outside.

Don’t: Be that guy who spreads his crap all over the lounge area of the men’s locker room. It’s a common space, not your bedroom. This concludes “Passive Aggressiveness With Chris O’Shea.” Next week: Damn Whole Foods, Just Donate My Bag Refund Yourself.

Do: Say hello to Joe, one of the nicest staffers there on weekday mornings.

Don’t: Use the middle treadmills equipped with TVs. The AC and a fan blasts those machines, and that means hard nipples. No one likes the Nipple Man.

Jimmy Fallon isn’t the answer. Fallon, who was just named as Jay Leno’s replacement on “The Tonight Show,” is likeable enough. But he’s not the solution to NBC’s ratings woes—in February sweeps, the network posted its worst rating among the coveted 18 to 49 demographic ever—because it doesn’t matter who occupies the seat on “The Tonight Show.” The late show format doesn’t have the same cultural presence it used to, which is why eventually they’ll all disappear.

The decline of the late show started in 2010, with the Leno/Conan O’Brien drama. Citing poor ratings, NBC’s execs said they were going to move “The Jay Leno Show” into the 11:35pm slot and O’Brien’s “The Tonight Show” to 12:05am. O’Brien proclaimed that he’d rather quit than be forced to the new slot, and so he did. Leno then took over “The Tonight Show.” On Twitter and Facebook, people cried out in protest. They blasted Leno and shouted that O’Brien was wronged. But ironically enough, if all those people who said they loved O’Brien and “The Tonight Show” were actually watching, none of it would’ve happened.

O’Brien started his own late night show, “Conan,” on TBS. By 2011, it was fourth in ratings. Just like before, no one was tuning in. Things got so bad that TBS execs purchased “The Big Bang Theory” reruns and aired them before “Conan,” just to get ratings up. The gamble seems to have worked, as “Conan” was recently extended through 2015. But that isn’t a sign of how good the show is; it’s a sign that TBS has nothing better to offer.

The great tuning out isn’t O’Brien’s—or Leno’s—fault. It’s the program itself. Say Lindsay Lohan tweets that she wants to marry a tree. Unfortunately, this isn’t as crazy as it sounds. By the time a young adult turns on a late show to hear jokes about the incident, he’s already read hundreds online. The late show used to update people about current events, but the Internet—and especially social media—takes care of that these days.

When I asked Laurie Thurneck, a professor of Communications Studies at PVCC, about this phenomenon, she agreed. “In this case, ‘The Tonight Show’ may be losing viewers because the show is no longer appealing to the needs of the younger demographic in a way that is meaningful to them,” she explained.

When Fallon takes over “The Tonight Show” in 2014, there’ll be an initial ratings surge, but things will settle down. “The Tonight Show” could still lead in the late night show ratings, but being the best of a programming dinosaur will not save it from extinction.

Hosts Who Would Make Me Watch Late Night Shows

Tracy Morgan. The over/under on number of episodes that air before Morgan would get kicked off the show for saying something offensive is set at seven. Take the under.

Amy Poehler. Possesses the unique ability to deliver smart comedy.

Bill Clinton. Two words: Sax solos. Actually, scratch that. Five words: Sexy sax solos every episode.

Denzel Washington. O.K., there’s no reason for him. But c’mon. He’s so f*cking cool. Each monologue could just be “Hi, I’m Denzel.” And I’d be like “Aw yeah son!”

Welcome to C-Listed, a new pop culture column from a person obsessed with that world. Every other Tuesday I’ll provide an over-analysis of subjects that don’t really matter, followed by a related list. Hopefully you’ll enjoy that I’ve thought too much about things like why Michael Jackson’s “Jam” is important to his discography regardless of the video, which unfortunately features Jackson teaching Michael Jordan how to dance and a Kriss Kross cameo.

Let’s begin with an end. The end of Bruce Willis, that is. I went to see A Good Day to Die Hard, the fifth Die Hard, last week at the Regal Stonefield 14 theater. (Side rant: The Stonefield theater is great; Stonefield’s layout isn’t. Driving around Stonefield is like slamming your fingers in a drawer. It’s hard to believe something so mundane can be so painful. The complex’s tagline should be “Stonefield: Welcome to Hell. But Hey, Trader Joe’s!”)

The movie was awful. The original Die Hard—a fantastic film—came out 25 years ago, and somewhere along the way Willis and others decided that each installment had to be more ridiculous than the last. Good Day fits that criteria. As my friend noted, a car chase scene—in which Willis drives on top of several cars and his vehicle emerges without a scratch—cost $11 million to film.

Absurdity instead of an intriguing (or even understandable) plot was Good Day’s downfall. And if this is how Willis treats John McClane, the role that made him a star, then what does that say of Willis? It was uncomfortable watching him run around like he’s still 32 when he looks every bit of 57. Also, part of Die Hard’s brilliance was that Willis nailed the “I’m just a good guy in a bad situation” role. His ease at creating McClane made audiences believe there was a little of the rough and tumble cop inside all of them. But Good Day’s Willis? Unrecognizable. Forced. It was like Willis was screaming that he was still worth watching, yet no words came out. But Good Day was such a mess that it might not have mattered anyway. I’m not alone in that thinking, as critics have blasted the film.

Despite my concern for Willis, Good Day is making money. It won its opening weekend and in its first five days raked in 37 million. So while critics are destroying Good Day and I’m calling for Willis’ funeral, most people feel that’s premature. It seems that even a terrible Willis dies hard.

Three Die Hard franchise facts:

Die Hard with a Vengeance was 1995’s highest grossing film.

Die Hard was based on the novel Nothing Lasts Forever, a sequel to the book The Detective. Frank Sinatra starred in the movie verision of The Detective but said no to doing the film adaptation of Nothing Lasts Forever, thus eventually opening the door for Willis.

For more Die Hard, there’s a comic book series created as a prequel to the original movie. But maybe just consider letting five movies be enough.