Author: eric-rezsnyak

“Project Runway” 

Thursday 9pm, Lifetime

We’re getting close to Fashion Week, and overall I think the Season 8 designers have acquitted themselves adequately. All of the remaining contestants have the potential to put together solid final collections, although I’m specifically pulling for hyper-creative Andy and goth pixie Mondo. I’m fairly certain the third spot will go to Gretchen, who has commanded this season with her dull, passé outfits beloved by the judges and her totally obnoxious bully/know-it-all personality. How about you shut your mouth for five seconds and make another caftan or granny sweater, Gretchen? The cast of “The Golden Girls” says it’s chilly in heaven. (Sorry to take your name in vain, Beasus Arthur.) Anyway, Mondo FTW. And can this show please move back to Bravo already? Lifetime has sucked all the cool out of it. 

“Sister Wives” 

Sunday 10pm, TLC

Because the disasters profiled on “Intervention” and “Hoarders” weren’t enough, TLC has rolled out its latest sideshow/trainwreck. “Sister Wives” is essentially a documentary version of HBO’s “Big Love,” in that it chronicles modern American polygamy. The show follows Kody Brown, his three wives, and their 13 children (during the course of the series Kody meets and marries his four wife, who has three kids of her own). The Browns say they did a reality series to bring polygamy out of the closet. Of course, there is one small problem: Bigamy is illegal, and immediately after the premiere, police in Utah opened a criminal investigation into the family. How could anyone have seen that coming? Oh, right. Everybody did.

“The Making of Jackass 3D” 

Sunday 10pm, MTV

In the early ’00s the “Jackass” boys, led by Johnny Knoxville, put themselves through the most horrifying, stupidest stunts you could imagine, many of them going horribly awry. And lo, it was awesome. The show ended after three seasons before heading to the big screen for two movies that took things even further (piercing butt cheeks together, climbing into a ball pit with anacondas, and intentionally having a snake bite one guy’s penis) before several of the cast members tried to go legit, or to rehab. With Jackass 3D coming to theaters later this month, get reacquainted with the idiot pranksters with this mini-marathon featuring this preview, “Jackass 2.5,” and “Jackass: The Beginning.”

“No Ordinary Family” 

Tuesday 8pm, ABC

If you liked The Incredibles or The Fantastic Four (the comic series, not the crappy movies) you’ll probably dig this. The Powell family is the picture of modern American malaise. Father Jim (Michael Chiklis, “The Shield”) is having a borderline midlife crisis, mom Stephanie (Julie Benz, “Dexter”) is a workaholic, teen daughter Daphne (Kay Panabaker, hateful in that awful Fame remake) is self-absorbed, and son JJ is struggling with high expectations and a learning disability. A family vacation to the Amazon rainforest ends in a plane crash, which somehow imbues all of them with super powers (strength, speed, telepathy and genius, respectively). That provides the family with the wake-up call it needed, as well as a new purpose. Expect a more thoughtful examination of the realities of super powers, like “Heroes” (the first, good season).

“The Tenth Inning” 

Tuesday-Wednesday 8pm, PBS

Ken Burns could shoot a documentary about a particularly vigorous bowel movement and still somehow make it compelling. (Confidential to Mr. Burns: let’s not put that theory to the test, O.K.?) Of his various award-winning mini-series, 1994’s “Baseball” remains one of his landmark works, with its thorough investigation of America’s pastime. A lot has changed in the sport since the mid-’90s, and this two-part, four-hour follow up explores all of the highs (the new Yankee dynasty, the influx of international players, the end of the Red Sox curse) and the crippling lows (the infamous 1994 strike, the rise of performance-enhancing drugs, the increasing gouging of the fans to make for massive team profits). 

“Law & Order:
Los Angeles”

Wednesday 10pm, NBC

After 20 seasons, the original-recipe “Law & Order” has finally sounded its final “Chung Chung!” But NBC hasn’t finished wringing every last drop out of that franchise yet, so Dick Wolf has launched this new location-based spinoff (it’s worked wonders for the “CSI” and “NCIS” properties…) that will focus on the seedy underbelly of the entertainment industry and the ever-present racial tension that defines Los Angeles. Appropriately the show is stocked with former movie stars, including Skeet Ulrich (Scream, “Jericho”) as the lead detective, Alfred Molina (Raiders of the Lost Ark, Spider-Man 2) and Terrence Howard (Hustle & Flow, Iron Man) splitting the DDA duties, Regina Hall (the Scary Movie series, “Ally McBeal”) as one of the ADAs, and Peter Coyote (Erin Brockovich) as the DA.

“Glee”
Tuesday 8pm, Fox
A pop-culture backlash is imminent, if not already here, and with good reason. While “Glee” has many wonderful qualities—great cast, novel idea, crack-addictive musical numbers—it has giant, glaring flaws. The characters are almost all caricatures, the plotting ranges from the maudlin to the nonsensical, and the showrunners have the narrative focus of a fruit fly. I am concerned that all of these problems will be exacerbated as we start Season 2, as we’re reportedly about to get even more new characters (a foreign-exchange student, a new football coach, a boyfriend for Kurt), more guest stars to distract from the overstuffed cast (John Stamos, Carol Burnett, Javier Bardem, and—spit—Susan Boyle are all rumored), and stunt episodes devoted to Britney Spears and Rocky Horror. Just tell the story of the glee club! And make music I want to download! That’s all I ask. And will someone please do something about Lea Michele’s bangs?

“Running Wilde”
Tuesday 9:30pm, Fox
I’m torn on this one. On the one hand, I want Gob and Felicity to have steady work. On the other, Alec Baldwin is reportedly leaving “30 Rock” at the end of the season, and I need Will Arnett to be available so that his character Devon Banks can permanently torment Tina Fey’s Liz Lemon on that show. But I’m being greedy. This new sitcom could be great on its own, even with that awful title. “Arrested Development” creator Mitch Hurwitz concocted the premise, about a rich, spoiled asshole (Arnett) trying to woo his do-gooder former childhood flame (Keri Russell), told through the eyes of her preteen daughter. The pilot was reshot to make it, well, funny, and to add “AD” alum David Cross to the cast, which I support.

“Undercovers”
Wednesday 8pm, NBC
It’s another spy series from J.J. Abrams, but expect fewer “Alias”-type conspiracy theories and more “Hart to Hart”-style sexy teamwork. Make that very sexy teamwork, as leads Boris Kodjoe and Gugu Mbatha-Raw are almost criminally attractive. It just shouldn’t be legal to walk around the planet looking that good. They play Steven and Samantha Bloom, a pair of former operatives turned restaurateurs who are lured back to the spy game by their gruff handler, played by “Major Dad” himself, Gerald McRaney. The term “sexpionage” is bandied about a lot, but don’t let that deter you. This has all the ingredients for a fun, flirty ride.

“Top Chef: Just Desserts”
Wednesday 11pm, Bravo
Anyone who watches “Top Chef” knows that desserts have routinely been the downfall of many a great chef on that show. We’ve been told over and over again that there is a huge difference between cooking and baking. Baking involves precise measurements and miracles of chemistry, and generally a hell of a lot more time. So I’m actually excited to see how this new spin-off tweaks the format to incorporate all that. Gail Simmons moves from the judge’s table to the host role here, and is joined by Johnny Iuzzini, who fancies himself the culinary Elvis Presley (right down to the hair), and fancy-pants chef Hubert Keller.

“Fantasia For Real 2”
Sunday 10pm, VH1
Fantasia Barrino was my first “American Idol,” even though her career after that show never lived up to its potential. She has an amazing R&B/gospel voice, and after some modest commercial success, she found a home on Broadway, and then in her own candid reality series for VH1 last year. That reignited some interest in her career, and her current album is doing well. Unfortunately, Fanny is not. Scandal recently broke about her relationship with a married man. Even worse: They live in North Carolina, a state where wives can sue mistresses for man snatching. Fantasia did not deal with the turn of events well, and a few weeks ago allegedly attempted suicide with a drug overdose. (She lived, and is better now, thankfully.) The upshot? We get to watch much of this unfold on the new season of her show. That’s actually a little too real for me.

“Dancing with the Stars”
Monday 8pm, ABC
You have to give the producers credit: They always manage to find somebody who everybody will tune in to talk about. This season that’s Bristol Palin, best known as the single teen mom raised by the former governor of Alaska and onetime vice-presidential candidate. Tell me you’re not dying to see if Sarah doesn’t show up in that audience to cheer on her daughter. Bristol is hardly a “star,” but the rest of her competition isn’t lighting marquees on fire, either. “Brady Bunch” matriarch Florence Henderson, The Hoff, Brandy, comedian Margaret Cho, the patently useless Audrina from “The Hills,” and my personal favorite, Jennifer “Dirty Dancing” Grey, will battle it out with athletes I’m unfamiliar with and some Disney Channel kid.

 “Hellcats”

Wednesday, 9pm, CW

The new fall season is here, and CW is first up with this new series set in the competitive world of collegiate cheerleading. The cast looks like the remainders of a discount Disney Channel talent bin, with Alyson Michalka (“Phil of the Future,” one half of the pop duo Aly & AJ) and Ashley Tisdale (the “High School Musical” franchise, for whom it must sting to go from a number-one motion picture to second banana on a CW show). The tone is described as Bring It On meets Election, and if it is even one-tenth as entertaining as either of those fine 90’s films it should be a lot of fun. Early reviews cite its promise and smart casting, but say it lacks pep. Someone call Sparky Polastri; we need some spirit fingers!

“Vampire Diaries”

Thursday 8pm, CW

After one of the best cliffhangers of last season, the sophomore season of this super-addictive supernatural soap kicks off with the fate of several characters in the balance. Will Jeremy transform into a vamp? Is Uncle John dead after his encounter with crazy vampiress Katherine? Will teen witch Bonnie ever find a hairstyle that works for her? So many questions. This season, look for a new character played by Courtney Ford, last seen as the Trinity Killer’s daughter on “Dexter.” She’ll be doing all kinds of poking around that nest of Virginia vampires, both in terms of research and naughty bits.

“2010 MTV Video Music Awards”

Sunday 9pm, MTV

For reasons that mystify me, cable talk-show host and D-list comedian Chelsea Handler is hosting this year’s VMAs. I’m thrilled that Russell Brand isn’t handling the emcee duties again (I’m sorry, I just don’t “get” him), but I’m hard pressed to think of a more random choice to replace him. Was Rip Taylor busy? Anyway, this is historically the part where I bitch about how out of touch MTV is, but the show actually has some cool performers this year. Yes, you’ll have to sit through Usher (ugh) and Justin Bieber (UGH), but you’ll also get to see resurgent pop star Robyn and Florence + The Machine, whose “Drumming Song” has been stuck on repeat on my iPod for the last month or so. Plus, that total jerk Ke$ha is presenting, inevitably giving us more fodder to mock her F-grade Gaga shtick come morning.

“Camp Rock 2: The Final Jam”

Friday 8pm, Disney Channel

It’s the sequel to the hit 2008 made-for-TV movie, which was itself a pale imitation of Disney’s wildly popular “High School Musical” franchise. Demi Lovato and the Jonas Brothers return as a bunch of musically gifted teens who geek out at band camp and get involved in chaste, chemistry-free romances. This time there’s a rival camp, one that’s apparently bad because it’s “slick” and less about the music than it is about the image. Given that this is a Disney Channel movie featuring bland, soulless automatons as “rockers,” I have to believe that somebody behind the scenes was intentionally shooting for subversive. The alternative is too soul crushing to consider, much like the music of the Jonas Brothers.

“The 100 Greatest Artists of All Time”

Monday 10pm, VH1

The pop-culture channel has already revealed its top five “Greatest Artists,” though not in order: The Beatles, Bob Dylan, Michael Jackson, Led Zeppelin, and the Rolling Stones. I will never understand the industry’s decades-long fellatio of Bob Dylan. Surely someone’s mouth must be cramping at this point, and it sure ain’t Mumbly Bob’s. Other notable placements: Elvis at No. 8, Nirvana at 14, and Madonna as the sole woman in the Top 20, in 16th place. So 300 million records sold and three decades of cultural relevancy land you in the back half of this Top 20, while a monotonous dinosaur who once released music exclusively through Victoria’s Secret ends up in the Top 5? I’m ready to Soy Bomb this list.

“I Married the Beltway Sniper”

Monday 10pm, MSNBC

In October 2002 the “Beltway sniper” terrorized Maryland, northern Virginia, and Washington, D.C., killing 10 people and injuring three others. The random nature of the attacks, which occurred in the open, outside of gas stations, grocery stores and shopping malls, with no apparent connection between the victims, sent the area into hysteria; anyone could be next, at any time. Eventually John Allen Muhammad and a minor, Lee Boyd Malvo, were arrested and convicted; Muhammad was put to death in November 2009, while Malvo is currently serving six consecutive life sentences. This new documentary examines the case, with interviews with the lead investigator, a shooting victim, and Muhammad’s ex-wife, who speaks about his descent into madness.

“She’s Got the Look”

Wednesday, 10pm, TV Land

TV Land’s modeling competition for women of a certain age (over 35, that is) returns for its third season. Original host Kim Alexis is out, replaced by omnipresent TV hostess Brooke Burns, whose pinched looks and irritating voice I’ve never appreciated. The judging panel’s biggest name, pioneering supermodel Beverly Johnson, has also left the catwalk. Her seat will be filled by former model and “icon” Roshumba Williams. Oh, please. I know from icons, and a C-grade ex-VH1 veejay hardly qualifies (although she is very pretty). The crop of would-be models looks good, and there appears to be plenty of drama courtesy of house mean girl, Jocelyn, and sparkplug Southern lawyer Julie.

“Who the (Bleep) Did I Marry”

Wednesday, 10pm, Investigation Discovery

This documentary series reminds me a bit of “Unsolved Mysteries,” but a lot less creepy and with a bizarre, nearly chipper take on some fairly disturbing subject matter. (Robert Stack, you are missed.) Each episode tells the story of an unsuspecting spouse who discovered that the person he or she married was a big ol’ liar. One woman’s Cuban expat husband was, in fact, a Communist spy. One woman was shocked to learn that her stockbroker husband had not only been fired from his lucrative job, but was making bacon by robbing banks. And another woman is…Mary Jo Buttafuoco. Yes, the show has an entire episode devoted to the victim of the Long Island Lolita. (I think we can all agree that Mary Jo wins the Crappy Husband Sweepstakes.) The idea of the show is interesting, and some of the subjects engrossing, but the chirpy narration and laughable reenactments are a total buzzkill.

“Weeds”

Monday, 10pm, Showtime

The bad news: Elizabeth Perkins’ scene-stealing Celia Hodes is off the show. Boo! The good news: After two uneven seasons mired in the Mexican drug (and sex) trade, the Botwin clan is on the road again, fleeing after teenaged Shane “helped” the family by murdering a crime lord with a croquet mallet. Kids today. The previews suggest that Nancy (Mary Louise Parker) and her family will end up working in a hotel, and reentering the lucrative marijuana-dealing career that started her on this insane path to begin with. Look for guest spots by a Linda “Terminator” Hamilton and Richard Dreyfuss. 

“Melissa & Joey”
Tuesday 8pm, ABC Family
Holy Winona Ryder! Looks like the ’90s really are back. Take this new sitcom starring Melissa Joan Hart (“Sabrina the Teenage Witch”) and Joey Lawrence (“Blossom”) in an update of “Who’s the Boss?” with a dash of Raising Helen thrown in for good measure. Hart plays an aspiring politician who inherits her screwed-up siblings’ teenage kids. Overwhelmed, she puts an ad out for a nanny, and ends up with Lawrence (who looks reptilian with that shaved head). It makes sense, since Lawrence basically is the second coming of Tony Danza. Sadly, I don’t see a Mona analogue anywhere, which is strange, since I always assumed Katherine Helmond was the boss.

“The Kids in the Hall: Death Comes to Town”
Friday 10pm, IFC
The Kids haven’t been kids for nigh on 20 years, but they’re back with this new, original eight-part mini-series. You probably recognize most of the members of the groundbreaking Canadian sketch-comedy troupe: Bruce McCulloch, Kevin McDonald, Mark McKinney and Scott Thompson have all had memorable character-actor roles, while Dave Foley somehow became a leading man in “NewsRadio” and other projects. “Death” features the group’s surreal, gender-bending antics as they tell the story of a small town turned upside down after the Grim Reaper arrives on a Greyhound bus, and one of the town’s most distinguished citizens ends up dead. Unlike other “Kids” efforts, this one tells a specific, serialized story, like a goofy take on “Twin Peaks.”

“If God Is Willing and Da Creek Don’t Rise”
Monday-Tuesday 9pm, HBO
In 2006 Spike Lee captured the harsh realities of post-Katrina New Orleans in his Peabody- and Emmy-winning documentary When the Levees Broke. He knew the story wasn’t over, and returned with camera crews over the past six months to survey the rebuilding efforts in the Gulf, and to catch up with some of the region’s residents who shared their stories in Levees. The result is this four-hour project, which uncovers some shocking results. While areas of New Orleans have recovered, in some of the poorest areas only 38 percent of the private homes have been rebuilt. Charity Hospital, which served the city’s poor for 250 years, remains shuttered due to red tape. And of course there’s that whole five-million-gallon oil slick that’s destroying the coastal habitat. When are those bon temps supposed to start rolling, again?

 “Hair Battle Spectacular”

Tuesday 10pm, Oxygen

I’m not sure what else you need to know on this one. It’s a new reality show about hair battles, and apparently it’s spectacular. What’s a hair battle, you ask? It’s when people take hues and build them into completely outrageous follicular sculptures. Cynicism aside, a good hair battle is pretty amazing to watch. The bafflingly popular Brooke Burns hosts the competition, in which 10 hair artists going by names like “Minista,” “Fingaz,” “Tsunami,” “Cajmonet” and “Malibu” (“American Gladiators” called—it wants its codenames back) take on a variety of cracked-out hair challenges in the hopes of winning $100,000. So basically it’s “Shear Genius” but intentionally ridiculous.

“Comedy Central Roast of David Hasselhoff”

Sunday 10pm, Comedy Central

The Comedy Central roasts are a reliably good time (the William Shatner one is legendary), and given the Hillshire Farms gift basket of cheesiness David Hasselhoff has offered the world over the past 30 years, there is plenty of material for the comics and ex-co-stars to rib him over. “Family Guy” creator Seth MacFarlane serves as Roast Master, corralling a veritable Who’s Who of has-beens and never-weres just aching to spew their bile, including Pamela Anderson, Jerry Springer, George Hamilton, Hulk Hogan, and comics Greg Giraldo, Whitney Cummings, Lisa Lampanelli and Jeffrey Ross. I actually feel for them: Where you do even start picking on The Hoff? “Knight Rider”? “Baywatch”? His “music career”? His embarrassing personal scandals?

“The Big C”

Monday 10:30pm, Showtime

Laura Linney becomes the latest critically acclaimed film and stage actress to leap to the comforts of the small screen with this new dramedy about a middle-aged school teacher whose terminal cancer diagnosis forces her to completely rethink her life. Linney plays said woman, Cathy, who learns of her illness when the series picks up, but is reluctant to disclose it to anyone, even as she makes major changes. She’s kicked out her selfish, immature husband (Oliver Platt) and has started to figuratively kick the ass of her bratty son. Meanwhile she’s embraced other, stranger characters like her embittered elderly neighbor and her spitfire of a student (played by Gabourey Sidibe, Oscar-nominee for Precious). And of course she’s wrestling with an attraction to her brutally hot young oncologist. Interesting premise, but how long can they stretch it?

 “The Real Housewives of D.C.”

Thursday 9pm, Bravo

Bravo’s “Real Housewives” franchise has already embarrassed the women of Southern California, New York City, Atlanta and New Jersey, so it’s about time it got around to making the ladies of the District look terrible. “RHoDC” follows five women, most notably Michaele Salahi, the “model” and “philanthropist” who sparked a national scandal last year when she and her husband crashed President Obama’s first White House State Dinner. You’ll get to see that whole mess unfold this season, since the Salahis were filming this show when the incident occurred (Bravo swears it had no idea that they weren’t invited to the event; the Salahis claim that the “truth will come out,” or some such shit). I hear that the rest of the “housewives” are pretty boring, although one of them has a young lover named Ebong, so she can’t be all bad.

“Rubicon”

Sunday 9pm, AMC

AMC continues its streak of thought-provoking drama series with original concepts (1960s Madison Avenue ad execs; high-school science teacher-turned-meth kingpin) with this new series about a paranoid intelligence analyst/code breaker who believes that he’s stumbled upon a governmental conspiracy. Features James Badge Dale (“The Pacific”), Arliss Howard (Full Metal Jacket), and the awesome Miranda Richardson (Sleepy Hollow). This is bound to be one of the more cerebral TV outings of the year. I personally can’t wait until the movie channel launches its other brain-related series, the comic-based zombie drama “The Walking Dead,” come October.

“Bachelor Pad”

Monday 9pm, ABC

Back in the early aughts “The Bachelor” brought the dating show back to television. A few years later VH1 transformed the concept into its guilty-pleasure “Flavor of Love” series. With all of the desperate skanks and himbos cast off the various “Flavor” seasons and its spin-offs, VH1 flipped the script again and threw a bunch of them into a house to compete for cash, and to further degrade themselves in “I Love Money.” Turnabout is fair play, and now “The Bachelor” is getting into the recycling business with “Bachelor Pad,” in which 19 former “Bachelor” and “Bachelorette” contestants battle it out for money and “a second chance at love,” a.k.a., late-night booty calls. I checked out of this franchise years ago, so none of the names mean anything to me except co-host Melissa Rycroft, who has parlayed getting dumped into her fourth reality show.