Author: eric-rezsnyak

“Hall of Game Awards”

Friday­ 7pm, Cartoon Network
The title for this new awards show is somewhat deceiving. I initially thought it celebrated video or board games, but no, it’s a kid-oriented celebration of sports. The show might further glorify people who are paid ridiculous amounts of money to play games and sell Americans high-priced items they don’t need, but the childhood obesity situation in this country is out of control. If worshipping LeBron James (that’s a real person, right?) gets chubby kids off the couch, away from the chips, and onto the basketball court in an attempt to emulate their idol, more power to them. Skateboarder Tony Hawk hosts the shindig, and it will feature a special appearance by First Lady Michelle Obama, who will celebrate schools that have created healthier environments by promoting exercise and good nutrition. Love her.

“The 83rd Academy Awards”

Sunday 8pm, ABC
What a great year for movies. From Inception to The Social Network to Black Swan and even Toy Story 3, there were some damned fine films released in 2010, and I’m legitimately excited for this year’s Oscars. The Academy did something unconventional with the hosts this year, bringing in Anne Hathaway and James Franco in a bid to appeal to young viewers. Hathaway nearly stole Hugh Jackman’s song-and-dance opener in 2009, and Franco is so unpredictable that he may very well present the entire show in Esperanto. The big honorary award of the night will go to an up-and-coming director named Francis Ford Coppola. Turn in an hour earlier to see Tim Gunn host the red carpet segment.

“Bethenny Ever After”

Monday 10pm, Bravo
If an award existed for self promotion via reality TV, I’d give it to Bethenny Frankel. Frankel’s skinny ass came in second on the Martha Stewart version of “The Apprentice” back in 2005. A few years later she popped up as a cast member on “The Real Housewives of New York City,” and she became so popular that last year Bravo gave her the spin-off “Bethenny Getting Married?”, which chronicled the drama of her impending marriage and the birth of her daughter. After officially leaving the “Housewives” she came in second again on that dreadful “Skating with the Stars” show last fall, and now she’s back with ANOTHER show, this one following her struggle to balance being a wife, mommy, author, businesswoman, and, oh yeah, reality-TV star.

“Jeopardy”
Tuesday–Wednesday­ 7:30pm, NBC29
The eggheads at IBM decided to build a computer that can answer questions with the speed, accuracy and confidence of a human. Because they’ve apparently never seen 2001: A Space Odyssey. To test said machine, dubbed Watson, they’re pitting it against two of “Jeopardy”’s biggest champions: Brad Rutter and Ken Jennings. For three days (the event started Monday) the two men and one computer will answer trivia questions for a $1 million prize. Should Watson win, IBM will donate all the cash to charity, which seems unfair. Certainly a computer that smart, with that kind of moolah, could find a way of making Weird Science a reality. I’d be way more interested in seeing a computer create flesh-and-blood replicas of 1985-era Kelly LeBrock than correctly answering questions about potent potables.

“Criminal Minds: Suspect Behavior”
Wednesday 10pm, CBS
The selling out is strong with this one. “Suspect Behavior” is a spinoff from “Criminal Minds,” admittedly one of the more intense procedurals on the CBS schedule. Both shows follow teams from the FBI’s Behavioral Analysis Unit bent on tracking down especially nasty criminals. This one features a squad led by Forest Whitaker, who has gone from winning a Best Actor Oscar to being a TV star in less than five years. He’ll be joined in career purgatory by Janeane Garofalo, Beau Garrett (Tron: Legacy), and o.g. “Minds” tech geek Penelope Garcia (Kirsten Vangsness), who will be a full-time cast member on both shows simultaneously. That lady is going to be rolling in syndication residuals.

“The Amazing Race: Unfinished Business”
Sunday 8pm, CBS
The first “all-star” season of “The Amazing Race” was a huge disappointment. The last several seasons of “Race” have been even crappier—I typically gave up after three or four episodes—and for the show’s 18th season it’s doing the “all-star” thing again, bringing back some of the less-crappy teams from seasons 12–17. There are some likable squads here, like father and daughter Ronald and Christina, father and son Mel and Mike, the Globetrotters, and cowboy brothers Jet and Cord. But there are also some super annoying ones, like hateful cheerleaders Jaime and Cara, cute but forgettable Amanda and Kris, and irksome sisters Jen and Kisha. And don’t even get me started on Margie and Luke, who should have been easy faves (he’s deaf and gay!), but who bugged the shit out of me the first time around.

“Mixed Signals”
Tuesday 9:30pm, Fox
Another international export, this new comedy is an American translation of the Israeli series “Ramzor.” (Doesn’t the original title make you think of some badass He-Man sidekick?) For such an exotic start the concept is rather mundane: Three lifelong friends cope with the different relationships in their lives. Mike (David Denman, Pam’s former fiancé Roy on “The Office”) is married with a kid, but desperately wants some alone time. Adam has recently moved in with his girlfriend, and is exploring the contours of that fresh hell. And Ethan is an aging ladies’ man who is starting to realize that the perpetual man-boy shtick really isn’t so cute after a certain age. Standard mid-season fare, but it can’t be worse than “Running Wilde.”

“Mr. Sunshine”
Wednesday 9:30pm, ABC
I fear that history is about to repeat itself for Matthew Perry. After the mega success of “Friends” the former Chandler Bing signed on to what looked like a sure-fire hit: Aaron Sorkin’s “Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip,” a much-hyped show with an interesting premise and a stacked supporting cast. The show was awful, and was cancelled after one season. Now he’s back with another much-hyped show with an interesting premise and a stacked supporting cast. “Mr. Sunshine” finds Perry as the harried manager of a sports arena where weird shit happens, like elephant escapes and Smurf fights. He’s joined by the awesome Allison Janney, James Lesure (“Las Vegas”), and Andrea Anders (“Better Off Ted”), who all deserve better based on the preview clips.

“53rd Annual Grammy Awards”
Sunday 8pm, CBS
The nominations for this year’s Grammy Awards are mostly predictable—a bunch of Lady Antebellum, Eminem, Katy Perry, Lady Gaga and a sentimental nod or two to Michael Jackson. But for my money, the Best Dance Category is pretty ferosh, with Robyn, La Roux, Goldfrapp, Gaga and Rihanna in the mix. I love all those ladies, and I’m not sure which one I’d favor. Regardless of who wins, the big story of the night is always the performers. This year’s crop includes Bruno Mars, B.o.B., Janelle Monae (love her), Cee-lo Green, Arcade Fire, Miranda Lambert, Usher, and zygotes Justin Bieber and Jaden Smith. Rumor has it that a good weave’s worst nightmare, Britney Jean Spears, may open the show with her new single, “Hold It Against Me.” I would, Brit, but then I’d get Cheeto dust all over my fancy dressin’ shirt!

“Who Do You Think You Are?”
Friday 8pm, NBC
I very much enjoyed the first season of this genealogy-based documentary show in which celebrities learn about their ancestors. Did you know Sarah Jessica Parker’s great-great-something-or-other was one of the accused during the Salem Witch Trials? Well, you do now. This season we get to follow the likes of Gwyneth Paltrow, Kim Cattrall (apparently one of her forebears was a bigamist!), Lionel Richie, Ashley Judd, Vanessa Williams, Rosie O’Donnell, Tim McGraw (his ancestors used to pal around with George Washington) and Steve Buscemi.

“Super Bowl XLV”
Sunday 6:30pm, Fox
This year it’s the Pittsburgh Steelers vs. the Green Bay Packers. Since I don’t follow any team, I use a sophisticated method to select my favored squad for the big game. Part 1: Fashion. The Packers’ jerseys remind me of the pinnies I had to wear in high-school gym class, which was a living Hell; advantage Steelers. Part 2: Logo. Green Bay’s is basically a “G” in an oval. Pittsburgh has three pretty stars that I’m sure have some deep symbolic meaning. 2-0 Steelers. Part 3: Hotness. After surveying the team members’ headshots I would sleep with 20 of the Packers but only 12 of the Steelers (I have very low standards). Score Packers. Part 4: Mascot. The Packers have some weird baby-like football player, while the Steelers have a butch steelworker named Steely McBeam (!) who reminds me of disgraced New York governor Eliot Spitzer crossed with a Village Person. Steelers FTW! Not that I really care. I’ll be watching “Puppy Bowl” over on Animal Planet, as usual.

“The Chicago Code”
Monday 9pm, Fox
I know: another cop show. But this new drama is less a procedural, and more a complicated serial look at the gritty underbelly of corruption in the big city, like “The Wire” or “The Shield.” That last comparison is particularly apt since “Shield” creator Shawn Ryan is also heading up this series, putting his knack for rich, complex characters to use in the Windy City. Jennifer Beals is a long way from her “Flashdance” leg warmers as the new police superintendent determined to bring down the corrupt politician who got her the top job (Delroy Lindo). But lest you think it’s all political sword fights and back-room deals, there are plenty of car chases, shootouts, and messed-up cops and robbers to keep things interesting.

“RuPaul’s Drag Race 3”
Tuesday 9pm, VH1
Even if you’re currently Logo-less you can still enjoy the most awesomely ridiculous reality competition ever to sashay across a television set. VH1 will rebroadcast new episodes of the drag-queen series the night after they originally air on the aforementioned gay cable net. The new season starts this week and will hopefully make up for last season’s infuriating finale, in which the lazy Tyra Sanchez took the crown for basically being a Mini-Ru. This time there are noticeably few black glamazon types, and three plus-sized contestants, undoubtedly to make up for the terrible treatment of previous big gals Porkchop and Mystique. My early picks are Raja—who is actually make-up artist Sutan from “America’s Next Top Model”—and Manila Luzon. I’m also dying to see ballroom queen Mariah bust out her library card and do some serious reading.

“Archer”
Thursday 10pm, FX
If you missed Season 1 of this raunchy, hilarious spy-spoof cartoon, add it to your Netflix Instant Queue immediately. Like most series, the first few episodes underwhelmed. But by the time it got to “Honeypot” it was firing on all inappropriate cylinders. The eponymous spy is an occasionally competent secret agent, casual misogynist, probable sociopath, and intensely self-satisfied dick. But damn if he isn’t sexy (and I repeat: He is a cartoon). His boss is also his mother, voiced by “Arrested Development”’s Jessica Walters, who is essentially playing Lucille Bluth again, but with an army of nincompoop spies at her behest. The voice cast also includes Aisha Tyler and “SNL”’s Chris Parnell. “AD”’s Judy Greer plays a secretary with a thing for erotic asphyxiation.

“Mega Python vs. Gatoroid”
Saturday 9pm, SyFy
Because you demanded it—back in 1987—it’s former teen queens Tiffany and Debbie Gibson in a televised fight to the death! Actually, no; this isn’t a snuff film for has-beens, it’s another one of SyFy’s ironically amusing flicks, brought to you by the same people who made the insta-classic “Mega Piranha.” “Python” stars Gibson as an animal-rights activist who sets illegally imported exotic snakes loose in the Florida Everglades, where they grow uncontrollably. To combat the problem, Park Ranger Tiffany injects the local swamp alligators with steroids. As you might guess, the giant snakes fight the giant gators, and humanity itself might be DOOMED. Directed by Mary Lambert, the woman behind Madonna’s “Like a Prayer” video. Talk about doomed.

“American Idol”

Wednesday-Thursday 9pm, FOX
Simon is gone. Last season was a disaster. A slew of new singing competitions are set to launch in the next 12 months. “Idol” needed change big time, and that looks like what it got. Ellen and Kara are out; unfortunately some idiot signed Randy to a multi-year contract, so we’re still stuck with him. Joining the judging panel are Jennifer Lopez (I hope she’s mean!) and Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler. That one I don’t get. Rock legend, no doubt, but I can think of a dozen has-been rockers who would be a better fit here. But wait, there’s more! No more goofy theme weeks. The participants can now perform original songs. And best of all, no more endless semi-final rounds. We still have to slog through four weeks of terrible auditions, but remind yourself: Nothing can be worse than last season.

“Parks and Recreation”

Thursday 9:30pm, NBC
“Parks” improved dramatically during its second season, blossoming into a smart, very funny and charming little gem. It returns this week for Season 3 as part of NBC’s new three-hour comedy block, which bundles this show with “Community,” newcomer “Perfect Couples,” “The Office,” “30 Rock,” and “Outsourced.” Season 2 guest stars Adam Scott (“Party Down”) and Rob Lowe (who’s been in and quit a bunch of shows) return, with Scott now permanently on board as the love interest of Amy Poehler’s plucky civil servant. And Megan Mullaly (“Will & Grace”) will be back as the harpy librarian ex-wife of Ron Swanson, the most awesome straight guy in the world. Bask in that glorious moustache!

“Spartacus: Gods of the Arena”

Friday 10pm, Starz
Ladies—and gentlemen of a certain persuasion—if you seek beefcake, I urge you to add “Spartacus: Blood and Sand” to your Netflix Instant Queue immediately. By episode two countless slabs of man meat wear naught but codpieces, and often not even that. Yes, the violence is ridiculous, and the first season took a while to find its stride. But it was basically Gladiator + softcore porn x “Melrose Place,” and that can only = awesome. This six-part prequel, which tells the story of the rise of the first Champion of Capua, will feature “Blood and Sand” regulars John Hannah and Lucy Lawless, and other familiar faces. “B&S” star Andy Whitfield will even make a cameo as Spartacus, likely his last appearance in the role after bowing out due to his battle with cancer. Sad.

“Off the Map”

Wednesday 10pm, ABC
Shonda Rhimes, the producer behind “Grey’s Anatomy” and “Private Practice,” goes for a hat trick with another drama about sexy doctors having sex with each other. “Off the Map” at least has a novel twist: It’s set in a remote South American village, so expect some unexpected medical cases due to the rain forest flora and fauna, and moral dilemmas that come from working in an undeveloped land. The cast is stacked with impressive up-and-comers, including Mamie Gummer (you might know her mom, Meryl Streep), Zach Gilford (“Friday Night Lights”), Caroline Dhavernas (awesome on the tragically short-lived “Wonderfalls”), and Rachelle Lefevre (the evil ginger vampiress in the first Twilight flick), plus UVA grad Jason George.

“Skins”

Monday 10pm, MTV
At first I was excited that we were getting an American adaptation of “Skins,” the craziest, most brilliant, stupidest, most offensive, genuinely touching teenage drama I’ve ever seen. Then I heard MTV was doing it, and visions of “Jersey Shore” danced in my head. After watching the preview, I remain ambivalent. The pilot basically copies the UK original point for point, just with new names for some of the characters and one major tweak (gay boy Maxxie is now a lesbian named Tea). The remainder of the first season will reportedly deviate from there, but the American actors—all of them amateurs, just like the original version—appear to lack the spark, wit, and guile of their British counterparts.

“Heavy”

Monday 10pm A&E
I cannot get enough of A&E’s docudramas, like “Hoarders” and “Intervention.” I have lost entire evenings after being sucked into the lives of the completely dysfunctional, and marveling at how they either successfully get their shit together, or choose to allow their lives to fully collapse. After bringing us amazing moments like mummified kitten corpses and naked, strung-out sister fights, the channel turns its attention to the morbidly obese. And I mean obese: The man profiled in the premiere weighs nearly 650 lbs. “Heavy” follows two subjects per episode, explaining what contributed to their severe weight gains, giving them expert health and fitness guidance, and checking in over six months to see how much weight they’ve lost. Expect this to be more inspirational than “Hoarders,” feature fewer opossums, and act as a good motivator to get your (and my) ass off the couch and sprinting toward the gym.

“Live to Dance”
Tuesday-Wednesday 8pm, CBS
I’m all for the resurgence of dance in pop culture, but I wonder if we haven’t hit the saturation point with televised dance competitions. I guess we’ll find out. CBS tries its hand at the genre with this new show, headed up by Paula Abdul, who acts as both a mentor to the dancers and head judge. She’s joined by Michael Jackson’s former choreographer Travis Payne and ex-Pussycat Doll Kimberly Wyatt. The show is open to dancers from all styles, of any age, and even groups, making it a combination of “So You Think You Can Dance” and “America’s Best Dance Crew.” The question is, will people keep watching once “Idol” starts up against it in a few weeks?

“The Cape”
Saturday 9pm, NBC
Superhero shows have had a rough go of it recently. “Heroes” went to hell after Season 1, and “No Ordinary Family” is racking up less-than-extraordinary ratings. This new entry doesn’t even try to do the postmodern route, going straight for balls-out heroics, capes, super villains and secret identities. David Lyons (“E.R.”) stars as an honest cop on a corrupt police force who is framed for a bunch of murders, and then fakes his own death. Determined to clean up his city, he falls in with a group of circus freaks/bank robbers and trains to take on the mantle of his son’s favorite comic-book vigilante, The Cape. The show could go really wrong really fast, but in the plus column are James Frain, who was awesome as crazy vampire Franklin on “True Blood” last season (he plays the bad guy here), and nerd masturbation bait Summer Glau as a conspiracy-theorist blogger.

“Shameless”
Sunday 10pm, Showtime
Showtime continues its streak of getting well respected, underserved actors and putting them in comedies with gonzo premises (see: Mary Louise Parker in “Weeds,” Laura Linney in “The Big C,” Edie Falco in “Nurse Jackie,” etc.). This time it’s William H. Macy’s turn, as he stars as Frank Gallagher, the self-destructive single father of a brood of working-class Irish Chicagoans. He spends what little money he has on booze and, well, booze. His six kids are similarly dysfunctional, from the insecure, directionless teen daughter (Emmy Rossum, Phantom of the Opera) to the science whiz who trades tutoring for sex, to the closeted gay son in Army ROTC.

Scrooged

Saturday 10am-6pm, AMC

If your family is as sarcastic yet sentimental as mine, this 1988 masterpiece—aired all day by AMC—should provide appropriate background viewing as you unwrap presents and deliver thinly veiled personal attacks. There have been countless take-offs of Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol over the years, but I’d argue that this remains the best. Bill Murray plays Frank Cross, a real bastard of a TV executive. His job allows for some smart story-within-a-story hijinks, with hilarious turns by Alfre Woodard as the Bob Cratchit analogue, Carol Kane as a giggly, physically abusive Ghost of Christmas Present, and Bobcat Goldthwait (it was the ’80s!). Plus, Mary Lou Retton is Tiny Tim!

“Disney Parks Christmas Day Parade”

Saturday noon-2pm, ABC

If your kids whine about never going to Disney World, shut them up by making them watch this annual special, which is basically just as good as visiting the real thing (no, it isn’t), but without spending tens of thousands of dollars or waiting in line half an hour to go on the teacups. Hosts Nick Cannon and Ryan Seacrest wrangle actual stars, fake Disney “celebrities,” the pro hoofers from “Dancing with the Stars,” Mickey’s costumed cohorts, and utterly bizarre guests like Big Bad Voodoo Daddy and Darth Vader, who leads the 501st Legion of Stormtroopers.

“Doctor Who: A Christmas Carol”

Saturday 9pm, BBC America

I’ve only seen bits of “Doctor Who” since the show relaunched in 2005, but my friend Anna McCabe is a huge “Who” fan. In 2010 we got a new Doctor, after Matt Smith stepped in for the departing David Tennant. This will be Smith’s first Christmas special, and Anna had this to say about his Eleventh Doctor: “I liked the new Doctor from his first appearance, but it took a couple of episodes before I really warmed up to him. He’s a lot more alien than I’d expected, which made it difficult to empathize with him at first, but once I got accustomed to his quirks it became very easy to like him. I think it’s delightful how he balances a child-like sense of wonder at experiencing every new adventure the universe can offer with the wisdom of a 900-year-old being. He’s completely awesome and I’m stupidly excited for the Christmas special.” As you might guess, the special is based on Dickens, and features Professor Dumbledore (Michael Gambon) as a guest star.