Author: eric-rezsnyak

“Funniest Commercials of the Year”

Thursday 10pm, TBS

We’re a little over a week before Christmas, so you’re supposed to be out buying presents you can’t afford for people you don’t like (but you’re stimulating the economy, so consider it patriotic duty), or at friends’ holiday parties eating way too many snickerdoodles and becoming a nogaholic. The TV networks know this, and they program around it, so many of this week’s shows are re-runs or corny specials. If you’re stuck at home, I encourage you to embrace that corn with this special, appropriately hosted by Isaiah Mustafa, a.k.a. the Old Spice guy, and featuring an appearance by Dos Equis’ “Most Interesting Man in the World.” No idea what ads will get the nod, but can someone involved do something about consigning those stupid Old Navy “modelquins” to the industrial shredder?

“I Get That A Lot”

Friday 9:30pm, CBS

Charlottesvillians are used to regular celebrity sightings, between Sissy Spacek, John Grisham and the various members of Dave Matthews Band. But the average American would probably be starstruck if they ended up in the bank line with, say, Cher, or getting their oil changed along with Al Pacino. This hidden-camera show has a bit of fun with that concept, in which stars like Heidi Klum, Ice-T, and (sigh) Paris Hilton work at regular jobs like pizza shops and gas stations, and deal with the astonished reactions of the customers. The celebs try to claim that they are not, in fact, themselves, they’re just regular folks who look like a supermodel, rapper/actor or cultural punchline. This half-hour special features best-of clips from the three previous specials, plus some new footage.

Santa Claus: The Movie

Monday 1pm, AMC

Anybody else recall this gloriously terrible holiday flick from the ’80s? I remember being so excited to see this as a kid—a Christmas movie! About Santa! But then I saw it, and I still can’t fully explain what happens. The traditional Santa stuff is largely fine. The trouble comes from the “modern” part of the story, which sees an ambitious elf played by Dudley Moore head to the big city and hook up with a sleazy toy manufacturer played by John Lithgow. Somehow things end up involving magic lollipops that make people float, exploding candy canes, homeless kids—I still don’t know. Worth watching again for the copious WTF moments, and sure, for the Santa.

“Hookers: Saved on the Strip”

Wednesday 10pm, Investigation Discovery

This new documentary series explores the realities of being a sex worker in Las Vegas. Annie Lobert worked The Strip for decades as a high-priced call girl. She got out of the business years ago, and now runs the organization Hookers for Jesus, which reaches out to women who want out of the prostitution business, sets them up in a halfway house, educates them on their legal and financial alternatives, and so on. The three-part series will focus on three specific women trying to escape the abusive, degrading existence lived by approximately 100,000 American women each year.

“Barbara Walters Presents: The 10 Most Fascinating People
of 2010”

Thursday 10pm, ABC

I’m a ride-or-die Barbara Walters bitch; I’m distraught that she’s ended her annual Oscars special. But at least we still have this chestnut, now in its 18th year. Alas, I’m less than impressed with Babs’ selections this time around. Betty White makes sense. I will begrudgingly go along with the Justin Bieber nod. Jennifer Lopez seems premature, since she could very well flop in her new “American Idol” judging gig. Sandra Bullock, sure. Impending princess Kate Middleton, great. LeBron James I know nothing about. But Sarah Palin for a third year in a row? Blech. Worse still: the cast of “Jersey Shore.” Aren’t we all over them at this point? Certainly there can’t be anything new to be gleaned from their antics anymore. It is funny that the seven of them count as one “person” on the list? If you combined all their brains, souls and chances at successful futures you might get a full person out of that mess.

“Mariah Carey: Merry Christmas to You”

Monday 9pm, ABC

Mariah Carey’s first Christmas album from the early ’90s remains one of my holiday favorites—literally every song is great—and her “All I Want For Christmas Is You” became an instant seasonal classic. Her second holiday disc was released earlier this year, and while it hasn’t had the same success, it has attracted some buzz for its “O Come All Ye Faithful” duet between Carey and her mother, Patricia, a former mezzo-soprano for the New York Opera. You’ll get to see the two of them sing together during this special, taped just after Carey announced that she’s preggers with husband Nick Cannon’s kid. I hope she names the baby Glitter…

“Psych”

Wednesday 10pm, USA

“Psych” is an amiable little procedural that has found its spot on the basic-cable line-up. This week’s episode will flirt with edginess as it pays homage to one of the most disturbing shows in TV history, David Lynch’s groundbreaking “Twin Peaks.” In addition to being adorable and charming, “Psych” star James Roday is a huge “TP” fan, and he wrote this episode, in which Shawn and Gus travel to Dual Spires, a weird little town thrown into chaos after the murder of a high school girl. Look for cameos by “Peaks” stars Sherilyn Fenn (Audrey), Sheryl Lee (Laura Palmer), Dana Ashbrook (Bobby), and even the Log Lady.

“Top Chef: All Stars”

Wednesday 10pm, Bravo

So last season ended with a whimper, and “Just Desserts” was a gigantic, crazy mess. But I am still excited for this all-star season of the venerable cooking competition. Eighteen contestants from the previous seven seasons are back for another shot at the win, including major contenders like Tiffani (Season 1), Richard (S4), Jen C (a.k.a. “Bitchface Jen,” S6), Angelo (S7) and Tre (S3), plus fan favorites like Carla (S5), Fabio (S5) and Tiffany (S7). Requisite douchebags like Marcel (S2), Stephen (S1) and Spike (S4) are also around for drama. But with no chaff for these guys to hide in, I can’t see any of them except for Marcel hanging around too long. The judging panel remains the same, with the substitution of Anthony Bourdain in the Eric Ripert part-time slot.

“VH1 Divas Salute the Troops”

Sunday 9pm, VH1

Back in 1998 VH1 launched its “Divas” series of concert specials, which over the years featured big-deal divas like Mariah Carey, Celine Dion, Whitney Houston, Cher, Tina Turner, Diana Ross, Faith Hill and the diva to end all divas, Aretha Franklin. By 2004 the star wattage had dimmed considerably, with the likes of Ashanti, Joss Stone and—yikes—Jessica Simpson sharing the stage. Last year the project came back with a host of teen-skewing pop acts, and now VH1 is adding a nationalistic slant for a show that will raise funds for the USO’s Operation Enduring Care. Performers this year include the ubiquitous Katy Perry, who basically is a modern USO girl; country duo Sugarland; girl-fronted emo popsters Paramore; and Nicki Minaj, a singer/rapper who I might respect more if she could either sing or rap.

“Firebreather”

Wednesday 7pm, Cartoon Network

Comic-book adaptations: They’re not just for the big screen anymore. “Hulk” and “Cloak & Dagger” are currently being developed for series, “The Walking Dead” is bringing in boffo viewership for AMC, and big ratings suggest “Smallville”’s current “final” season might not be so final after all. A very minor comic success, Image Comics’ “Firebreather” gets its own made-for-TV computer-animated movie this week. The story tells the tale of an awkward teen who discovers that while his mom is a human, his dad is a gigantic dragon lord, and pops wants him to follow in the family business. The graphics look amazing, and I have a feeling this is a story that will work much better in motion than it ever did as a graphic novel.

“Beyoncé: I Am…
World Tour”

Thursday 9:30pm, ABC

I plan to spend Thanksgiving night getting tipsy on cosmos and giggling through a late showing of the sure-to-be-terrible new Cher/ Christina Aguilera musical, Burlesque. But if I get really wasted and can’t drive, I have an at-home diva back-up in my good friend Beyoncé, whose recent world tour was filmed to air as penance for all the guys who made their wives/girlfriends sit through football all of Turkey Day. I can remember when Bey was a wee babe singing in Destiny’s Child. Even in the mid-’90s, decked out in terrible neon leather outfits and singing about bugaboos, you could tell she was going to have success doing the solo thing. But who among us could have predicted Sasha Fierce? This special features a mix of concert footage and behind-the-scenes looks at Mrs. Jay-Z’s personal life.

“Holiday Battle on the Block”

Sunday 8pm, HGTV

I just moved into a tiny, tiny apartment so small that for the first time in, well, ever I will not be able to have a Christmas tree. I’m kind of distraught about it. When I was a kid our family went all out with holiday decorating; we knew we’d done a good job if grandpa said the outdoor display looked like a whorehouse (apparently he patronized very festive brothels). I’ve decided to live vicariously through the tackiness of others, so I’m excited about this series in which families living on the same block in four different towns were given $5,000 and tasked with giving Clark Griswold a run for his money. Grandpa would approve.

“American Music Awards”

Sunday 8pm, ABC

You know who doesn’t get enough recognition? The pop stars, rockers, country crooners and rappers who make millions of dollars per year releasing chart-topping singles and albums. Well God bless Dick Clark for making sure these unsung heroes get yet more attention by creating this totally bullshit awards ceremony. Unlike the Grammys, which are decided by music-industry professionals, the AMAs are selected by popular vote. In other words, it’s a popularity contest, so expect lots of awards going to the likes of Justin Bieber, or whatever other zygote currently has a song that 11-year-old girls keep shrieking over and over again. Performers include Katy Perry, Ke$ha (vomit), Bon Jovi, Usher, and kind of awesomely, the Backstreet Boys and New Kids on the Block together. But where’s my favorite boy band, O-Town? (Don’t laugh, it’s true!)

“Skating with the Stars”

Monday 9pm, ABC

Back in 2006, when “Dancing with the Stars” was still growing into the reality juggernaut it has become, Fox launched an ill-fated rip-off called “Skating with Celebrities,” in which has-beens strapped on skates instead of dancing shoes. Original Buffy the Vampire Slayer Kristy Swanson won (snort), and it lasted only one season. Now ABC is ripping off its own show with this six-episode spin-off that features soap star Rebecca Budig, “Real Housewife” Bethenny Frankel, Olympian Jonny Moseley, ’tween “star” Brandon Mychal Smith and, most shamefully, Mötley Crüe singer Vince Neil and formerly respected actress Sean Young, all learning how to ice dance. My, you can almost taste the desperation. (It has a rich, salty flavor, like tears.) They’ll be paired with a bunch of ice dancers I’ve never heard of in an attempt to secure one last burst of fame without embarrassing themselves too much. My money’s on Frankel for the win, and for Young to bring the CRAZY!

“Futurama Holiday Spectacular”

Sunday 10pm, Comedy Central

It’s not even Thanksgiving but the holiday specials are upon us. This three-parter features the Planet Express crew hurtling through space in the 31st century to preserve the classic holiday traditions of Xmas, Kwanzaa, and Robanukah. Along the way, Fry, Bender and Leela encounter the homicidal Kringlebot, droidls, Al Gore’s head in a jar, albino humping worms, wrestling fembots, musical numbers and giant space bees. And somehow Coolio is involved. Because it isn’t really the holidays without Coolio, am I right?

"The Fashion Show: Ultimate Collection"

Tuesday 10pm, Bravo

Bravo’s “Project Runway” knock-off had a lackluster first season, and required significant retooling for this second attempt. Big changes have been made, some good, some…interesting. The major issue with the first season was host/judge Kelly Rowland, who, while very fashionable, had zero business judging a fashion competition, and nothing to say at panel. She’s out, replaced by supermodel/style icon/living goddess Iman. In fact, the only holdover from Season 1 is designer Isaac Mizrahi, who returns as a mentor/judge. The other big change is in the format, as the 12 designers will be split into two fashion “houses” that will compete against one another to put on a live fashion show each week, responsible for everything from the clothes to the styling to the set and lights. That seems unnecessarily complicated to me, but whatever. After the disastrous finale of “Project Runway”’s most recent season, this couldn’t come at a better time.

“Nick Swardson’s Pretend Time”

Tuesday 10pm, Comedy Central

Comedy Central’s newest sketch show springs from the deeply troubled mind of Nick Swardson, who you might recognize from his many bit parts in Adam Sandler comedies (he’s part of the Happy Madison crew), or from his hilarious recurring role as Terry Bernardino, the rollerskate-wearing gay hustler on “Reno 911!” Swardson’s bits are wildly inventive, almost wholly inappropriate, and, like almost all TV skits, last longer than they should. But it is still undoubtedly creative and worth checking out, if only for the WTF moments.

“Sarah Palin’s Alaska”

Sunday 9pm, Discovery

I’m sure you all remember Sarah Palin, 2008 vice-presidential candidate, former governor of Alaska and current darling of the Tea Party set. To say that Palin is a divisive political figure would be the height of understatement. For as much as people loathe her (for, say, using faux-folksiness to cover for her gross ignorance, or for bailing on her elected position so she could cash in on books and public appearances and this TV show), there is another, very vocal group that practically worships her. So it’s a safe bet on Discovery’s part to give her a nature-documentary series about the “final frontier” of Alaska (can’t wait for the episode in which she hunts via helicopter!). Even if it pisses off a good chunk of Discovery’s core audience, it’ll pull in a whole lot of her acolytes.

“Kathy Griffin: Whores on Crutches”

Tuesday 10pm, Bravo

I have argued in these very pages that comedian Kathy Griffin isn’t actually all that funny. What makes her awesome is that she’s a normal person who clawed her way into the bizarre bubble that is Hollywood, and she delights in reporting back to us with all the batshit crazy stuff that stars pull behind the cameras. Her stand-up specials are packed with such stories, like her ongoing feud with Barbara Walters, or when she crashed a dinner party attended by wacktress Sharon Stone. This special is hot off the presses, and even includes Griffin taking potshots at her onetime sexual rival (snerk) Bristol Palin’s current run on “Awkwardly Shifting with the Fame-Adjacent.”

“Matt Lauer Reports”

Monday 8pm, NBC

The right wing loves to pin all the shitty things going on in our country on the Obama Administration. Reality check: The prez hasn’t even been in office two years. It takes longer than that to bring a nation to its knees. Say, eight years, specifically 2001-2009, when our 43rd president, George W. Bush, ran America straight into the ground. Now, in our nation’s hour of need, Dubya is back to offer his sage guidance. Kidding! He has a new book to shill—the VIP copies cost $350! What bad economy?—and so for his first post-presidency interview he selected the noted glib journalist Matt Lauer. Wonder if the “Today” co-host will pitch his softballs over- or underhanded….

“Conan” 

Sunday 10pm, TBS

Speaking of disasters that could have been avoided, NBC pissed off pretty much everyone this past January when it yanked Conan O’Brien, put in charge of “The Tonight Show” just months prior, and plopped Jay Leno’s unfunny ass back in the big chair after he tanked during primetime. Big mistake. Leno’s ratings have yet to recover, and O’Brien became a kind of hipster folk hero. Now Coco’s back, this time on TBS, which is trying to brand itself as a national comedy network. The new show will air Mondays through Thursdays, Andy Richter will be back as O’Brien’s second banana, and premiere-week guests include Tom Hanks, Seth Rogen, Jon Hamm and a first guest to be chosen by fans at TeamCoco.com. Options include Lady Gaga, Jack Nicholson, REO Speedwagon, the Sultan of Brunei, and Arlene Wagner, the curator of Washington’s Nutcracker Museum, who was outpacing The Pope at press time. Go Arlene!

“Grey’s Anatomy”

Thursday 9pm, ABC

The doctors of Seattle Grace have spent the first few episodes of this seventh season dealing with the aftermath of last season’s shocking finale, when a gunman shot up a bunch of docs in the surgical wing. Tonight’s episode, shot in documentary style, is designed to bring closure to many of the characters’ lingering traumas, including McDreamy’s near-death experience, Bailey’s hostage situation, and Meredith’s miscarriage. Bonus: Adorable pop pixie Mandy Moore reprises her role from the shooting episode. The TV gossip mongers say this will be an episode chock full of Emmy reels.

“The Fairy Jobmother”

Thursday 11pm, Lifetime

Forget Halloween; what’s really scary is a nearly 10 percent national unemployment rate, and the uncertainty that things will get any better anytime soon. Since reality shows have tried to fix some of our other great social problems—addiction, terrible parents, finding Flavor Flav a date—we have this show, in which a British woman yells at chronically unemployed people to get off the dole. The Brit in question is Hayley Taylor, an international career specialist, and in addition to the patented English bullying (see: Cowell, Simon; Ramsay, Gordon; that mean woman from “Weakest Link”), she’ll presumably impart genuinely helpful tips on how to find gainful employment in these terrible economic times. Plus the shaming. Gotta have the shaming.

“The Walking Dead” 

Sunday 10pm, AMC

I joke all the time that I can’t wait for the zombie apocalypse to wipe out a good chunk of awful, awful humanity. But when I read Robert Kirkman and Charlie Adlard’s outstanding comic-book series “The Walking Dead,” I rethink my fondness for the jerk-devouring abilities of the shambling undead. On Halloween AMC launches its new TV adaptation of the comic, a very grim and gritty tale about Sherriff Rick Grimes, who wakes up after weeks in a coma to discover that the entire world has become an all-you-can-eat human buffet. And if you think that’s grim, just wait until you see the horrible stuff that happens after Rick runs into a group of fellow survivors. If it’s anything like the brilliant, gripping source material—and with Frank Green Mile Darabont behind the wheel, it should be—this will be an instant classic.

“Raising Hope” 

Tuesday 9pm, Fox

Nobody paid much attention to this new comedy by the creator of “My Name is Earl,” but it has quietly emerged as one of the few bright spots in Fox’s fall schedule. Much of that has to do with the strong “Glee” lead-in, but the show has its own charms. The series follows a well-meaning but directionless 20something, who finds his purpose after his one-night stand with a serial killer results in an unexpected baby he has to take care of after mom gets the death penalty. He decides to raise the kid along with his white-trash family (Martha Plimpton, forever my favorite Goonie, is great as the grandmother still young enough to pop out more kids herself). Things sometimes go shockingly crass (let’s all work together to keep Cloris Leachman’s top on, O.K.?), but there’s an honest sweetness underlying all the dead teeth and vomiting on the baby.

“Family Game Night”

Friday 7pm, The Hub

Board-game companies have really stepped up their cross-platform branding lately, hence next summer’s Battleship movie (which somehow stars Rihanna, Eric the vampire from “True Blood,” and…aliens). An arguably better fit is this game show that takes classic board games, makes them gigantic, and pits two families against each other for cash and prizes. So kids compete in massive, specialized versions of Sorry, Cranium, Scrabble and other games. Consider it the new “Double Dare,” except with that winking idiot Todd Newton in the host seat instead of the ever-chipper Marc Summers. 

“Dexter” 

Sunday 9pm, Showtime

This fifth season is one of transition for “Dexter.” Last season ended with America’s favorite serial killer of killers discovering his sweet wife dead in the bathtub, the latest victim of the big bad he’d been trying to take down. As he comes to grips with being a widower and a single father, he’s also wrestling with that figurative blood on his hands while trying to get actual, guilty blood on them to satisfy his “dark passenger.” Meanwhile, the show-runners who shepherded the series through its past few seasons have left, casting doubt on how well the acclaimed series could hold up. So far so good, and there are lots of juicy seeds planted that should burst into beautiful, bloody fruition, like the voodoo-based murderer currently terrorizing Miami, a would-be female conspirator (Julia Stiles), and the cops finally cluing into Dexter’s double life.

 “30 Rock” 

Thursday 8:30pm, NBC

This should be fun. My favorite comedy is putting on a live episode, and who better to conquer live television than that UVA alum and former “Saturday Night Live” head Tina Fey? I have no doubt that Fey, co-star Alec Baldwin, and Broadway vet Jane Krakowski can pull off a live show (actually, two: they’ll do one for the East Coast and then do it again for the West Coast). But I am concerned about Tracy Morgan. He will unquestionably be hilarious, as he always is on this show, but I give it five minutes before F-bombs start flying. The poor guy running the censor button is going to have Super Street Fighter II-style thumb blisters by the first commercial break.

“Fatal Attractions”

Friday 9pm, Animal Planet

You know those stories in the paper about people who are attacked by their pet chimpanzees or mauled by a next-door neighbor’s tiger? Those situations aren’t as rare as you’d think, as demonstrated by the fact that Animal Planet has just started its second season of this documentary series that explores dangerous human/animal relationships. Not like bestiality (although some of the stories blur that line…), but like tonight’s episode, which focuses on snakes, including a spotlight on a man whose near-death experience at the fangs of one of the 40 venomous snakes kept in his home has not tempered his love of the reptile kind. Other episodes focus on people’s doomed “friendships” with bulls, bears and tigers.

“Sanctuary” 

Friday 10pm, Syfy

Sci-fi shows (and SyFy shows) are a mixed bag. With the right people behind them you can get a “Lost” or a “Battlestar Galactica”; with the wrong people behind them you can get a “FlashForward” or the remake of “Flash Gordon.” This series, which started out as webisodes, returns for its third season tonight. It has an interesting, if not particularly original concept, mixing elements of “X-Men,” “League of Extraordinary Gentlemen,” and even a bit of vampire lore. Amanda Tapping (nerd favorite from her work on “Stargate SG-1”) plays Dr. Helen Magnus, an extremely long-lived scientist whose group tries to track down nonhuman “abnormals,” bring them back to their sanctuary, learn from and help them. Of course there’s a vast conspiracy out to get them and turn the abnormals against the human race, because someone always has to be an asshole.