Author: Eric Rezsnyak

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TV previews: “Secret Princes,” “The Emmy Awards,” and “Dancing w the Stars: All Stars”

Friday 10pm, TLC The televised dating show arguably peaked with “Joe Millionaire.” In case you forgot, that glorious 2003 Fox show featured an “everyday dude” (he was an aspiring model/actor) who acted as though he was wealthy in order to woo a bevy of would-be spouses. And at the end he told his chosen girl he was pretty much broke. This is basically the opposite of that, as four international royals (only two are actual princes) are plopped in and around Atlanta to live undercover as they look for American love. Or, as undercover as a guy can be with a camera crew following him around. The royals run the gamut from the alternatively handsome (one is basically a British version of Kenneth the Page from “30 Rock”) to the incredibly hot (a former underwear model with a butt obsession; he is an awful douchebag and I love him).

Sunday 7pm, ABC The fascinating situation with this year’s Emmys is that, for the first time ever, not a single broadcast-network show was nominated for Best Drama Series, Best Actor in a Drama Series, or Best Supporting Actor in a Drama Series categories—those nominations all went to cable shows. Expect host Jimmy Kimmel to make multiple cracks at the Big 4’s expense over that fact.

Monday 8pm, ABC All-star seasons of veteran reality shows are pretty commonplace at this point, but when your reality show features celebrities to begin with, you’ve really got to follow through on that title claim. “Dancing with the Stars” has somehow managed to do just that, despite the dance competition routinely being teased for being a repository for has-beens and never-wases. The returning celebs include six series champions (Kelly Monaco, Drew Lachey, Emmitt Smith, Apolo Ohno, Helio Castroneves, and Shawn Johnson), three runners-up (Joey Fatone, Gilles Marini, and Kirstie Alley), and two other finalists (Melissa Rycroft and the notorious Bristol Palin). The only two “all-stars” not to make the finales of their respective seasons are the always-fun Pamela Anderson (sixth in Season 10) and former Cheetah Girl Sabrina Bryan, whose seventh-place finish back in Season 5 was regarded as one of the series’ biggest shockers. Fans of the show should be pleased by the line-up, and fans of sanity can be glad that none of the Osmonds are involved.

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TV previews: “The New Normal,” “The X Factor,” and “Revolution

“The New Normal” /Tuesday 9:30pm, NBC

You can’t peg creator Ryan Murphy. He’s been behind the seedy “Nip/Tuck,” the ridiculous “Glee,” the brilliant “American Horror Story”—and now he tries his hand at an unconventional conventional sitcom with “The New Normal.” The show follows the de facto family that emerges after Goldie, a small-town single mom, moves to California in an attempt to make a better life for herself and her daughter, and ends up becoming the potential gestational surrogate for a gay couple (Justin Bartha of The Hangover movies and Andrew Rannells, star of the Broadway smash The Book of Mormon). But Goldie’s uptight grandmother (forever cougarlicious Ellen Barkin) has followed her west, and isn’t having any of the gay old times. The cast also features “Real Housewife” Nene Leakes, who has proven surprisingly great at scripted comedy in her recurring role on “Glee.”

“The X Factor” /Wednesday-Thursday 8pm, Fox

After incessant hype, Simon Cowell’s American version of talent competition “The X Factor” debuted last year…and promptly fizzled. Can you even remember the winner’s name? (It was Melanie Amaro.) Has she even released an album? (No, not until December, and her single hasn’t been a hit.) Shortly after the first season wrapped the show cleaned house, firing judges Paula Abdul and Nicole Scherzinger, as well as host Steve Jones. As I write this, a new host has yet to be named, but the new judging panel is a big step up. Joining Cowell and the returning L.A. Reid will be former Disney star Demi Lovato (her own pop career currently exploding thanks to “Give Your Heart a Break”) and, more importantly, IT’S BRITNEY, BITCH! Yes, Miss Spears is on the panel this year, and here’s hoping she brings the crazy even better than Paula did.

“Revolution” /Monday 10pm, NBC

NBC hasn’t had a great track record with high-concept sci-fi series—see “The Event” and “The Cape”—but it’s giving it another shot with this post-apocalyptic drama. “Revolution” gives us a world in which all electrical power—everything, including batteries—is suddenly wiped out. The show takes place several years in the technology-free future, focusing on a specific family that has some kind of connection to the outage, a son kidnapped by a ruling militia, and a daughter (Tracy Spiridakos, “Being Human”) trying to find him and restart the country. The cast includes Elizabeth Mitchell (“Lost,” “V”) and Giancarlo Esposito (the awesome, terrifying Gus from “Breaking Bad”).

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TV previews: “Robot Chicken,” “Katie,” and “The Voice”

“Robot Chicken DC Comics Special” Sunday midnight, Adult Swim

Meanwhile, at the Hall of Justice, a bunch of nerds and geek-loving Hollywood stars teamed up to bring us the dorkiest TV show this side of “Who Wants to be a Super Hero?” The permanent teenagers behind stop-motion pop-culture comedy show “Robot Chicken” have gotten official license from DC Comics to do an entire special devoted to parodying the DC Universe. So you can expect jokes about Superman’s bulletproof junk, Batman and Robin’s dubious closed-doors relationship, and even semi-obscure characters like Mirror Master. This special features the voices of Paul “Pee Wee Herman” Reubens as The Riddler, Neil Patrick Harris as Two-Face, Megan Fox as Lois Lane, and Nathan Fillion as Green Lantern, all of whom will make fun of poor Aquaman.

“Katie” Monday 2pm, NBC29 (WVIR)

UVA grad Katie Couric has had a legendary broadcasting career, having helped turn “Today” into a ratings juggernaut at NBC, then moving to “CBS Evening News” to become the first female solo anchor for a primetime network newscast. Now she’s moved to ABC News as a correspondent, and to launch her own syndicated talk show. Couric has described “Katie” as a blend of “Today” and “The Oprah Winfrey Show,” meaning it’ll blend lifestyle content (read: feel-good fluff and tearjerker stories) with Couric’s news background. The first month of shows are centered around women who have reinvented themselves, and guests include Jessica Simpson (went from a pop-culture punchline to a billion-dollar fashion brand despite not being able to dress herself properly), 50 Shades of Grey author E.L. James, and Barbra Streisand.

“The Voice” Monday 8pm, NBC

Singing competition “The Voice” returns for its third season in 16 months, and it will launch a fourth season in early 2013. Talk to the producers of “So You Think You Can Dance” and see how well those back-to-back seasons of a buzz show work out, guys. For this fall season all four judges—Cee Lo Green, Adam Levine, Christina Aguilera, and Blake Shelton—are back, but showrunner Mark Burnett teases that one or more may skip out on the spring edition to go on tour. Rule changes this time include new “knockout” rounds, and the judges now have the ability to snatch eliminated contestants from another judge’s team. Mary J. Blige, Michael Buble, Rob Thomas, and Billie Joe Armstrong will all appear as mentors.

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TV Previews: “Abby & Brittany,” “Gigolos,” and “Girlfriend Confidential: LA”

Ash, Nick, Vin, Brace and Steven from Gigolos (Season 3).

 Race to the bottom

“Abby & Brittany” 

Tuesday 10pm, TLC

There is a growing sentiment that TLC—which originally stood for The Learning Channel—has now become the modern-day equivalent to the circus freak show. An endless parade of extreme human behaviors are put on the airwaves—families with 19 children, teenage gypsy brides, extreme couponers and hoarders. While some of their stories are treated with respect, the redneck minstrel show that is “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” suggests a much more insidious tone. Here’s hoping that this new show is more sensitive to its subjects, 22-year-old conjoined twins Abigail and Brittany Hensel. The Hensels share a single body fused at the torso, with Abby controlling the right side and Brittany the left. They have completely different personalities, which viewers will get to know in this series as the girls graduate from college, travel through Europe, and embark on a job search.

“Gigolos”  

Thursday 11pm, Showtime

If the big screen’s recent Magic Mike had you fuming, “Too much talking, not enough ass shaking,” allow me to present “Gigolos.” It is exactly what you think: a reality show that follows five male prostitutes working in Las Vegas. Questions about its legitimacy have plagued the show—allegations are that the female clients are actresses, and that none of the footage features actual prostitution (although it does feature sex, meaning people were paid to copulate on camera—that seems like a very fine distinction to me). Season 3 begins this week, and there’s a new gigolo in town, plus a familiar face goes gay for pay.

“Girlfriend Confidential: LA” 

Monday 11pm, Oxygen

While that whole “international high-fashion supermodel” thing hasn’t worked out for any of the 18 winners of “America’s Next Top Model,” reality TV has been a friend to several of its alumni. Season 1 winner Adrianne Curry went on to star in multiple VH1 reality shows, Season 2 winner Yoanna House has done some TV hosting, and Season 3 winner Eva Marcille (formerly Pigford) is doing a bit of both, as the former host of Oxygen’s “Hair Battle Spectacular” and now the star of this reality soap. “Girlfriend Confidential” is basically just another iteration of the “___ Wives” or “Real Housewives” formula, with a pack of gal pals living the big life (or “big life”) and squabbling amongst themselves. In addition to Eva the show features her friends, a Buddhist interior decorator, a music talent manager, and an actress. But which one is the Samantha?

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TV previews: “Face Off,” “American Bible Challenge,” “America’s Next Top Model”

“Face Off”
Tuesday 9pm, SyFy

SyFy’s cinematic make-up competition returns for Season 3, just a scant five months after it wrapped its solid second outing. Ratings grew dramatically from its premiere season, and continued to increase throughout the second run—you have to strike while the prosthetic is hot. A new crop of make-up artists will tackle challenges ranging from super heroes to cyborgs, Day of the Dead to pirates, and guest judges this time include writer/director Kevin Smith. A cool concept, likable host, and judges who actually know what they’re talking about make this a rare reality treat. Although it isn’t immune to stunt casting: a pair of fraternal twins is in the mix this time.

“American Bible Challenge”
Thursday 8pm, GSN

Given that fried chicken and waffle fries have become a source of religious debate in this country, now is unquestionably the time to launch a Bible-themed quiz show. It’s really not that crazy. Biblical questions are frequently featured on “Jeopardy,” and any “Simpsons” superfan knows that the Flanderses enjoyed vigorous games of “Bombardment” of Bible questions in between breaks for nonfat ice milk (unflavored for Maude!). Jeff Foxworthy, noted redneck comedian and former host of that other essential quiz show, “Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?,” handles the emcee duties as Bible scholars from across the country compete to prove they know their Ruth from their Esther.

“America’s Next Top Model”
Friday 8pm, CW

The CW’s now-fatigued former ratings champ is undergoing a major overhaul for cycle 19. First, it’s now on Fridays, which makes sense —“Top Model” appeals to both the tweens and the dateless, who have nothing better to watch. Second, longtime judges/coaches Nigel Barker, Jay Manuel, and Miss J are out, replaced by a crop of fresh-faced newbies (Tyra Banks remains, as does PR maven Kelly Cutrone). And most importantly, the show has embraced social media. The photo shoots for the entire season were released online, and viewer votes were taken into consideration during the judging panels. At least one eliminated contestant was even allowed to re-enter the competition due to popular vote. You’d think this would spoil the progress of the season, but all 13 girls did every shoot (except the one that dropped out—oops!), so we got to see their progress (or lack thereof—sorry, Jessie, with one of the most embarrassing portfolios in “Top Model” history). I’m rooting for Kristin and Leila.

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T.V.: “Oh Sit,” “Married to Japan,” “The Inbetweeners”

“Oh Sit” 
Wednesday 8pm, CW
When the fall of Western Civilization comes —and it is coming, I think we all know that —and someone asks you to pinpoint the moment you knew it had all gone wrong, I hope you say: extreme musical chairs. That’s the concept behind this new competition, in which a dozen contestants compete for $50,000 by trying to outsmart, outwit, and outlast each other in a cracked-out version of the popular children’s birthday party game. Instead of a scratchy record player blaring “Pop Goes the Weasel,” a live band will provide the sounds. Instead of rickety stools, there are space-aged perches (between this and “The Voice” we are living in a golden age of giant, ugly televised furniture). And instead of going around in a circle, these assholes will have to fight through ridiculous obstacle courses, pushing and shoving their way to victory. Congratulations, America: this is something that exists! Hosted by Jamie Kennedy (Scream) and Jessi Cruickshank, who I don’t think is Hermione Granger’s cat, but I can’t be sure.

“Married to Jonas” 
Sunday 10pm, E!
I am a whore for celebrity gossip, and I love a juicy blind item. A few months ago there was a particularly interesting one floating around the blogosphere (are we still calling it that?) that many believed pointed to this new reality show starring Jonas Brother Kevin (a.k.a. the one everyone forgets) and his wife, Danielle. I won’t go into the details, because I would like to not get sued. But suffice it to say, more than a few people have wondered about the origins of this series, which revolves around Danielle and her Jersey-fied family.

“The Inbetweeners” 
Monday 10:30pm, MTV
British teen sitcom “The Inbetweeners” is one of the funniest shows I’ve ever seen. The tale of four horny smartass losers trying to navigate through high school was every kind of wrong, which wrapped it back around to right. It found a cult following in the States, and when MTV announced last year that it was making a U.S. version, the original show’s fans were furious. Their concerns are justified: the former music video channel completely blew the American version of my beloved “Skins.” But just based on the preview for “Inbetweeners,” the casting at least looks decent, and there are already jokes at the expense of the handicapped. So the spirit of the original, hopefully, has made its way across the pond.

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T.V.: “2012 Summer Olympic Games,” “Animal Practice,” “Comedy Central Roast of Roseanne Barr”

“2012 Summer Olympic Games” 
Through Sunday, NBC
We’re in the home stretch of the 2012 London Olympic Games, and I think we can all agree on one thing: NBC’s coverage has been pretty dreadful. From the decision to cut away from the memorial section of the opening ceremonies to spotty coverage of fan favorite events to the continued presence of Ryan Effing Seacrest—no ma’am. No ma’am. The last few days will be dominated by track & field, platform diving, and the long-awaited finals for beach and indoor volleyball. The closing ceremonies air Sunday 7-10:35pm and hopefully feature absolutely no narratives about teens texting.

“Animal Practice” 
Sunday after the Olympics, NBC
NBC is determined to take advantage of its massive Olympics ratings by launching a slate of new series during or immediately following the games. Among them is this new sitcom starring Justin Kirk (Andy on “Weeds,” but also an amazing dramatic actor, as seen in HBO’s “Angels in America” miniseries) as a veterinarian who loves animals but hates people. His gonzo animal hospital is brought to order when his ex-girlfriend (JoAnna Garcia Swisher from “Better With You”) takes over, and of course they butt heads, as sitcom leads do. Also starring Tyler Labine (“Reaper”) and Crystal, best known as the monkey from The Hangover Part II, but forever in my heart as Annie’s Boobs from “Community.” You can also get a sneak peek of the new Matthew Perry comedy “Go On,” on Wednesday after the Olympics primetime coverage.

“Comedy Central Roast of Roseanne” 
Sunday 10pm, Comedy Central
Roseanne Barr has become a pop-culture punchline, and I would argue that’s unfair. She made the terrible error of being a loud, outspoken, opinionated, and occasionally kooky public figure, and that’s not OK for women. It’s bullshit, especially when you consider that Barr’s eponymous sitcom was a hugely influential TV show in the 1990s, boldly chronicling the realities of lower-middle-class life while simultaneously being incredibly funny (and it still holds up). Thing is, I don’t think she gives a damn what anybody thinks of her. Which is why this roast should be amazing. Jane Lynch will serve as roastmaster and comedians Jeffrey Ross and Amy Schumer will take their shots, along with actresses Sharon Stone, Katey Sagal, and Carrie Fisher. And when they’re done, Barr will sit back, cackle, and read them all for filth! And you will love it.

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T.V.: “XXX Olypmic Games,” “All the Right Moves,” “Rat B*stards”

“XXX Olympic Games”
All week, NBC and its affiliate networks
It’s the first full week of the Olympics, which basically means most of the other networks are raising their hands and slowly creeping backwards toward the nearest exit. Thankfully there’s plenty of excitement coming out of London. This week you can take in a heap of swimming events (including the much-trumpeted face-offs between Americans Ryan Lochte and Michael Phelps), women’s gymnastics, diving, beach volleyball, and come the weekend, the start of an overwhelming number of track-and-field events. And that’s just NBC’s primetime coverage (make sure to tune in Friday night for the men’s trampoline finals—trampoline, you guys). You can catch all manner of other events on NBC’s sister networks throughout the week. Check nbc olympics.com for a full schedule.

“All the Right Moves” 
Tuesday 9pm, Oxygen
Fans of “So You Think You Can Dance” probably recognize the names Travis Wall and Nick Lazzarini. Lazzarini won the first season of Fox’s dance competition, while Wall came in second place in season 2, but has since gone on to become one of the show’s most successful choreographers, scoring an Emmy nomination for his truly breathtaking work on the series. This new reality series documents the friends’ attempt to start their own contemporary-dance company, also featuring dancers Teddy Forance and Kyle Robinson. Expect some fantastic dancing, plenty of drama, and lots of hot guys dancing shirtless. Sold!

“Rat B*stards” 
Tuesday 10:30pm, Spike
Are you aware that giant rat-like creatures from South America—alternately called nutrias or coypus—are currently wreaking havoc on the wetlands of the southern coast of our country? I was not. Apparently it is a huge problem, as this invasive species is extremely destructive. They burrow and can chew through everything from tires to house paneling, and more importantly, have been found responsible for the destruction of thousands of acres of marshlands. In response, the government has enacted several programs to incentivize the “harvesting” of nutria (read: people get paid to kill them), and given the success of shows like “Swamp People,” reality TV has taken an interest. This show documents the exploits of giant river-rat hunters in Mississippi who are trying to protect the wetlands, make a buck, and some are even trying to introduce nutria meat as a legitimate food source to Americans. Hey, it’s low in cholesterol.

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T.V.: “Top Chef Masters,” “3,” “XXX Olympiad Opening Ceremonies”

“Top Chef Masters”
Wednesday 10pm, Bravo
Although I love “Top Chef,” I have never been able to get into its “Masters” spin-off. It’s basically the kinder, gentler version of the competition, featuring already world-renowned chefs at the top of their game. But honestly, I do need a little drama in my reality competitions. And since I still don’t get to taste the food, it’s a tough sell. If you like the show, or host Curtis Stone (who I swear is on TV all the time, constantly), it’s back for its fourth season.

“3” 
Thursday 10pm, CBS
Despite its scandal-baiting name, this new dating show has a simple concept and prides itself on taking the competition out of dating. Three very attractive single women—a young widowed mother of two, a Baptist model with a focus on faith, and an entrepreneur who would happily give up her career to be a wife and mother—are introduced to a variety of potential suitors, go on dates, and work together to help each other pick the guys of their dreams. It certainly sounds like the least humiliating televised dating option, but I always wonder: how awkward must it be to date someone with cameras following you? My dates are bad enough when it’s just the two of us and I can embarrass myself in private.

“XXX Olympiad Opening Ceremonies” 
Friday 7:30pm, NBC
To celebrate the opening ceremonies, my friends and I are throwing an Olympics party. Everyone has been assigned a random country participating in the games (the more obscure the better), and we’ll each do little presentations on the foreign locale and its athletes, plus bring sports-themed dishes. Oh my God, we’re so lame. But we are going to have so much fun! And that’s all before we start ripping apart the terrible, terrible outfits worn by most of the delegations in the Parade of Nations. (Cough. Team USA’s Ralph Lauren-designed, made-in-China beret prep-school looks. Cough.) The games run through August 12. This weekend you can catch coverage of swimming, men’s gymnastics, and beach volleyball on NBC, and its affiliate networks (CNBC, MSNBC, Telemundo, etc.) will show assorted other cool competitions. Bear in mind that there’s a five-hour time difference between host city London and the American east coast, so avert your eyes from the Interwebs in case of spoilers.

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T.V.: “Project Runway,” “Bachelor Pad,” “Alphas”

“Project Runway” 
Thursday 9pm, Lifetime
It wasn’t long ago that I was bemoaning the state of this once-great fashion design show, but the charming “All Stars” spin-off did a lot to cleanse my Gretchen-and-Anya-stained palate (a second “All Stars” season is reportedly in the pipeline, by the way). Season 10 will feature 16 wannabe fashionistas vying to become the next great American fashion designer, and will feature the now-familiar team of Heidi Klum, Michael Kors, Nina Garcia, and Tim Gunn. One of the new designers is named Gunnar Deatherage. I can’t wait to hear how Tim and Heidi pronounce that one.

“Bachelor Pad” 
Monday 8pm, ABC
ABC’s “Bachelor” and its two spin-offs, “The Bachelorette” and this show, have emerged as the unlikely warhorse of the reality-TV mainstays. There have been a whopping 27 seasons between the three programs and they continue to pull in substantial viewership, especially for a decade-old franchise. It’s especially impressive when you consider that almost none of the relationships followed by the show have panned out, although a look through the various cast bios show an incredibly incestuous little world where former suitors from various seasons have since paired up in real life. Hence “Bachelor Pad,” a game show that gives these chiseled white folks another shot at “love,” but which also admits that these people mostly just want fame and money. In a twist this time around, among the 20 contestants will be five super fans who will join the largely awful former “Bachelor” and “Bachelorette” contestants.

“Alphas” 
Monday 10pm, Syfy
If you’re a fan of the X-Men comics and movies, or still raw over how horribly bungled NBC’s “Heroes” turned out after that excellent first season, this Syfy drama might be up your alley. David Strathairn (Good Night, and Good Luck) plays a scientist/psychiatrist who becomes aware of the existence of people with extraordinary abilities. Much like Professor Xavier, he gathers these folks—one can heighten her senses at will, one has super reflexes, etc.—to help track down other so-called “alphas,” and to work with the government on covert cases. Season 2 is stocked with nerd-baiting guest stars like Sean Astin (Sam from Lord of the Rings, but always Mikey from Goonies to me), C. Thomas Howell (currently on the big screen in The Amazing Spider-Man), Lauren Holly, and Summer Glau, beloved by dorks but a certified showkiller (“Firefly,” “Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles,” “Dollhouse,” “The Cape”).