Author: jim-barns

Our local mental health association recently announced a public forum for mental health awareness. Twenty years ago, I joined the MHA Board to be an advocate for such awareness.

This was based on my 25 years on a emotional roller coaster. Usually triggered by some event, often minor, I would be consumed by an overwhelming anxiety (I likened it to being in a room on fire). In such a state I could lie awake all night fixating over and over on my lifetime shortcomings. After such a session, exhausted, I would plunge into a hopeless depression. Though wanting to hide under the desk,  I could get by at work. How strange no one noticed. I could not wait to get home to smoke cigarettes, my only activity, and await the dark.

Many a night I lay down in the hope that I would not wake up. Then, there was the dreaded early light and, finally, the sound  of traffic. I would curl in bed until the last moment and then scramble to get to work. After three or four days, this would lift and I would launch back into life. In retrospect, it is unsettling  how I came back with such force and so oblivious to the recent ordeal.  

One can imagine how this complicates living. This on and off existence. "But, Jim, I thought that you wanted to go…" When going to work I would see the homeless and troubled folks in the park and I knew that if these bouts had been extended, soon, I would lose my job, my marriage, and my ability to maintain myself. I would be over there with them. (This certainly would become part of my awareness of the homeless when, years later, I became involved with that cause.)

During all these years I sought help from many counselors. They were wonderful. As much friends as professionals. But their help, essential at the time, was only stop gap. Not a solution. Finally, with this problem escalating and a threat to my marriage, I mobilized with the  help of an earnest Dr. with the great name of Seymour and tried drug solutions, which I had always been wary of. On Sept. 9, 1990, I took lithium, which I like to call "a glorified salt tablet." It worked immediately. I have never been overwhelmed in 22 years. My problem was not being weak and oversensitive. I was simply a few molecules off. I am a manic-depressive. I prefer that title. So would George Carlin! Bi-polar doesn’t really get it.  

Though I loved kids, for obvious reasons, I had not felt confident to be a father. We went on a six-month trial period for my stability. I passed. Parenthood came soon after.

I do not not tell this saga to be self-indulgent, though I am certainly taken with the drama of it. It is the miracle of my, our life. I tell it to give perspective for people so afflicted. First thought is that one should be open to suggestions. As I found out, one educated guess may be as good as another, professional or not. My sister back in the early ’70s told me of lithium, but, due to her drug dependence, I was leery. (I don’t dwell on that "what if"!)

Second, don’t be your own counsel in the throes of such states. One’s perspectives are so skewed and limited at those times. Third, and this is related, do not get cornered with no exit. There are solutions, perhaps not as dramatic as mine, that will make things better. I am wrenched whenever I learn of a suicide, that lonely, hopeless act. And fourth, talk to people, get it out for immediate relief and, maybe, in time, there will be a solution.

I never got to share this in an official way, but like a message in a bottle maybe this will make it to someone’s troubled shore.  In any case, it’s been therapeutic for my mental health which will always be a pursuit. 

This year four special Charlottesville people have passed on. I salute them for their contributions and simply because I immensely enjoyed their company.

Kay Peaslee: Kay was the founder and editor of The Observer, a community newspaper devoted to issues of the day. She went at it with great relish and with a spunky, cheerful spirit that I found infectious. What a great laugh. She was formidable, but also cute. Besides the paper, she had many other community involvements. Her partner until his passing several years ago was Sandy Peaslee, a retiree from the diplomatic corps and a most genial and thoughtful gentleman.  

Easter Martin:  Another wife of a diplomat, Easter, in her late 80s, became very well- known and beloved at the Downtown library. An avid gardener, she turned a border of the building into a flower garden. She and husband Chris were often seen walking with equipment in hand to tend their plots. A wonderful example of making something out of almost nothing. The flowers were wondrous and enhanced one’s day. One day walking on the Mall, I saw Easter ahead and, sure enough, she was picking up litter, which she did with a fun spirit. That spirit! And often she would say that our library was "the best" she had used throughout a life of world travel.  And the name? At Easter time, she would bring baskets of candy to the library staff.

Tom Joseph: I thought of Tom as our nonviolent John Brown. A man devoted to the causes of peace and justice. He participated in many nonviolent demonstrations and activities. After his death, I learned of his previous life as a standout athlete and civil engineer. At mid-life, he had a near fatal accident, and it took him on another course. He wore his passions well. With some, such convictions can dominate their personality and make everyday communication strained.  Not Tom. He was so easy to talk to, and he always asked how I and others were doing. Not one to carry on. I always looked forward to talking with this friendly man. Tom had Parkinson’s disease and rather than be a burden to others, he took his life. This saddened many, but it was in keeping with this thoughtful man, still an engineer at heart.

Bart Bartholomew:  A retired forester, Bart became one of the most valuable workers and spirits of the Ivy Creek Natural Area. A beloved man for his sincerity, good cheer, and modesty. He served on the ICNA  Board, but he much preferred being on the trails clearing and building. He was a worker.  He often gave a fall foliage walk, which I went on more than once. His presentation was for the layman and that suited me fine. He showed such an appreciation for all that was at work in nature’s cycle. For me, it also was just so affirming to be in the company of such a fine man (who sometimes would literaly say, "Aw shucks.") Through his church, Bart went to Haiti–to plant trees!

What a quartet. Hall of Famers. I miss them, but they all can bring a smile when recalled. Interesting to note that these people who lived so purposefully, all lived into their 80s and 90s.

Back by popular demand are more greatest thrills…not surprisingly, sports dominate these recollections.

Billy Mills: During my dreary freshman year of college, some of my few bonding experiences came while watching sports in a group. Billy Mills’ out- of- nowhere kick to win the 10,000 meters in the 1964 Olympics had us on our feet shouting. Announcer Bud Palmer lost it.

Bill, Hillary, Al and Tipper at the airport: A merry group of Demos waiting two hours for the triumphant foursome. Finally the plane landed, the door opened, and Fleetwood Mac came blasting out! Oh, happy day. A friend circled around to shake their hands twice. He noted Bill’s soft hand. The next day they were at Monticello. During a talk, Hillary, Al, and Tipper stood studiously listening while Bill looked about and wandered a bit. All in character. The heady honeymoon was short lived as the ill-timed gays-in-the- military controversy derailed the momentum.

Secretariat wins the Belmont: Perhaps the most astonishing athletic feat of all time. I called him "the Babe Ruth of horses." The debate had been, "Is he the greatest of all time?" After this race, no doubt. He won by 31 lengths and was gaining speed at the end. I remember the camera panning ahead to find where he was. Of added interest was the fact that many years before I had met the classy and determined owner, Penny Tweedy who was the friend of a neighbor. When the gregarious horse was in stud,  I had a notion to visit him. Wish that I had. Big Red got a leg infection and had to be put down. As his modest jockey said, "I was just along for the ride."

What a way to go out: This was the last swimming meet for Williams College’s storied coach, Bob Muir. He had been the 1956 Olympic coach, his teams has beaten rival Amherst 23 years in a row and today’s opponent, Wesleyan, 28 years. The pool had been renamed. The expansive Muir came out and, in a fun gesture, pointed to his name on the wall. Then, the team came out. Today this would be a cliche, but seeing them all grim-faced with shaved heads was dramatic theatre. They meant business.  Wesleyan thought they finally had Williams this time. Leading off was Sandy Van Kenan, NCAA record holder in the 50 yard. He did not win. He finished third and beating him by inches for second was Doug "Tuna" Stevens, normally a 1500-yard man, filling in that day. He had "doug" very deep. Williams was on its way and blew Wesleyan away.

To be continued.  This is fun.

Earlier I described some great thrills I have witnessed, now, some unsettling chiils in my life. All have a similar scenario. I have entered into a conversation with a serious concern. I have assumed the other person would be receptive.

1. The summer of 1967 I, a very naive fellow, was given a dropkick into the world. A week after coming home from college, I got a letter from my long distance girlfriend who been with me just a few weeks before. She was getting married. I have long come to understand myself and her, but, at the time, I was a prisoner of my volcanic emotions. Soon after, I went to London for a tour with high school friends. I first met up with Bob. We had probably never had a conversation other than about sports, but now, here was reality.  After an initial hearing, he told me that he did not want to hear about my messy situation anymore. It offended him. He had a checklist for his bride-to-be and he proceeded to share that. He told me that I was an elite and should keep to those standards. At that moment, I felt the temperature of the room plummet. I sat in gap mouth disbelief. Something I felt in all  these chilling cases. In a week, I’d come seen head-on that people can be other that they seem.

2. A number of people and myself were involved in the care of friend with cancer. Her attending physician was chosen more out of sentiment than expertise. As time went on it seemed that she was being neglected eg her IV nutrition was putting on too much. I went to the head of the cancer unit at UVA.  At first he was smoothly cordial, but when he realized that I was questioning one of his colleagues he went into a deep freeze. He hyped up this Doctor’s efforts. eg he made a deal of that fact that he brought some medication to her home (I was there -he was in his tennis  togs),etc.. I found it scary. Threaten someone’s territory and watch out. Reminds me of my very decent father and his salesman colleague who blew the whistle on illegal activities. They were fired. Hard ball.

3. A work colleague was a charmer. Fast moving, funny, and very computer saavy- a big drawing card. I had a good time working with him. Had him to the house and he played in two of my annual touch football games. Then, I learned of his abuse of our boss. He thought that she should dictate to us. I saw her leave an evaluation meeting white-faced. This group was not one to dictate to. The e-mails would have piled up. I also learned inadvertently of his contempt for us. I decided that I should report this to two of my colleagues. One just laughed it off. A familiar response with her. I went to the second, sitting there in regal fashion. Her first comment was, "I agree with him." 30 degrees at least. She blew off what I had to say, and, afterwards, she went directly out to him gushing as usual. It still angers me, but, in retrospect, no surprise. She was drawn to brainy guys like him and, as our boss, a most accommodating sort, said, "I don’t like turning my back on her".

These were shocking experiences for me. They tell me to beware. Going along in everyday life we really don’t know some people. When you move into the core of their being, you may be in for a surprise. And, it can go in the other direction, too. Like the curmudgeon who reveals a warm heart.

 Abraham Lincoln once said, "I don’t like that man. I must get to know him better."

      Does that ever ring true with me. It is humbling and very rewarding to see in a new light someone who put you off at first. I  have been as guilty as anyone to misjudge. I think back to my youth, when like most I was prone to reject someone because of small matters. I remember in the 7th grade casting jealous aspersion on a new boy who was an academic rival of mine and because he wore a bow tie to school the first day! That attitude continued throughout high school. At our 30th reunion, without getting into the embarrassing details, I tried to make amends. He was not receptive. But the point was, I was ready to give him overdue reconsideration. And, I was sorry.

     Now, I am still as liable to make instant judgements. There are so many ways. But I always  carry the caveat that this is an impression subject to liberating reconsideration. This is an awareness that does need further development. 

     No doubt this bit of benign wisdom helped Lincoln negotiate and come to appreciate some of the very difficult people he had to deal with.

Still to come: Chills, "But, he’s so smart…", Thrills II

I am an emotionalist/sentimentalist, thrill of victory/agony of defeat kind of person.

Here are some special thrills that readily come to mind, ever satisfying to recall.

Joan Benoit wins the marathon at the 1980 Olympics. I turned on the tv and there she was, way in the lead going into the stadium!!  That tough little runner from Maine. Far behind her was the much esteemed, now deceased, Grete Waitz who seemed to graciously accept that it was Joan’s day.

David Jansen wins the 1,500 Olympic speed skating. In the previous Olympics, David Jansen feel twice in races.  His sister had died just days before.  It was a heartbreaker on the world stage.  He came back four years later after all that training and focus and he fell again.  Just too much. He had one more chance, the 1500 meters. We held our breaths. He won and set a world’s record. As a writer put it, "His tortuous journey was over."

Jennifer Capriati wins three Opens in one year. Jennifer was a cute phenom who as a young teen made the semis of the U.S. Open. She, the student of yet another driven tennis father, had trouble with this status. She plummeted, but, in one of the great comeback stories, she came back several years later to win the French Open twice and the Australian. Each win was a thrill and triumph.

Hayden Barns runs to her parents at summer camp. Hayden, 9, went to summer camp. While we stood waiting for her on an open field, she came sprinting to embrace us. Such a PDA was not the norm for her. It was surprising and thrilling.

Fred Rudolph waves my post card. On our way home, we passed through my college town. I had sent a post card (one of scores over the years) to a college professor friend now in his late 80’s saying that we would be coming through.  It was a salute to him and his wife, Dottie, but we did expect hospitality of which they had offered so much over the years. The Rudolphs had a daily ritual of going to the post office and, then, picking up the NY Times.  Rebecca, my wife, spotted Dottie sitting in her car. We went down to her. I asked if Fred had got my card. "Well, you can ask him. Here he comes." From afar, he did not recognize us at first, but then he smiled and waved my card. A sweet moment. We then had a relaxed visit and there had been no pressure on them to entertain. Less was much more. Not a rush thrill like the above, but a gentle thrill that I can always draw upon.

In a recent posting, I wrote about people finding the right job and that most likely it won’t be doctor, lawyer or architect! For an example, I told of a laid-off construction worker who found a very fulfilling job as an elementary school janitor. This has inspired me to celebrate a very fulfilled working  man whom I have known for 30 years.  He is Gene P. and, all these years, he has handled the UPS route where I first worked and where I have lived the last 22 years. This man loves his work. It is a demanding job. First off is loading those big brown trucks to the brim and ,then, off the to the races, delivering. You don’t see many overweight UPS delivery people.  

 I am out and  about a lot and it is almost every day, whether walking the dog , on my bike, jogging, driving, mowing the lawn,etc. that we will wave to each other.  Years ago, I learned that Gene loves to mow lawns, which he does after work!  The other day, I asked Gene if he still is mowing? An enthusiastic Yes!

Gene obviously enjoys his work and what a difference friendly people like him can make in the context of your everyday life. It brings a smile every time I see him. That’s a lot of smiles.

I retired in July 2010, and, for my retirement party, I invited many people whom I have connected with over the years. It made for a most eclectic gathering. Though my contact with him on my job had been minimal, there was a lot of street connecting. I was very pleased that he came.

Postings to come: "Yes, but he’s so smart." Chilling interpersonal moments and Thrilling moments.

I am steeped in the world of sports, but I have decided not to add my voice to the mighty wind of commentators. This will be an exception: The Masters

I only devoted a couple of hours a year to golf.  It is to watch the finish to The Masters. The setting and the reverence for the event make every finish dramatic whether it is has a runaway leader or sudden death playoff like this year.  Most dramatic for me was when the great  and beloved Arnold Palmer walked up the 18th fairway for the last time to the cheer of thousands.

Golf, the civilized sport. The silence when a player is about to strike the ball. The fans appreciation of all players. Everyone gets applauded. No hooting and hollering when someone is about to putt. Maybe part of this respect is that most of the spectators are golfers and know how hard it is as opposed to hitting a fast ball which most fans will never experience.

How refreshing golf is contrasted to the harsh uncivility one can face with other sports.  eg Sitting near to someone’s whose main calling is yelling at the refs can be so obnoxious and ignorant. Moving can be so liberating.

(This reminds me of a fellow I used to work with. A Hoosier, he was a standout athlete in three sports and a very straightforward fellow. He regularly drove by a country club. This respectful silence of golfers bugged him. "Shoot, I had to make foul shots when they were yelling  and waving at me."  When he drove by and saw a guy about to putt or drive he would lean on his horn. In retrospect, it’s remarkable how well Vern and I got along…)

So, once a year, I settle down and retreat to this gentlemanly world of golf in Augusta, Georgia. A footnote to his year’s tournament is the waterworks of Bubba Watson.  I could include him in a revised version of my "Men Crying" posting.

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While the Masters was going on, one of Charlottesville’s grand traditions was going on: THe Friends of the  Library Book Sale. The Director is Bill Davis whom I met the first day I came to Charlottesville 30 years ago. For several years, he was the Assistant to  the dynamic Arthur and Jane Hess. The baton was passed on to THE right man for the job.

It is a very demanding job- physically, interpersonally in the supervising of so many volunteers and logistically-it takes intelligence to keep track of so much.  It was a few years ago in considering all that Bill manages with such grace that a light bulb went on and I realized that he is A Master.       

So, this is a salute to Bill and I wish that I could send him on a trip to Hawaii for some very deserved R&R!

 "Unexpected kindness is the most powerful, least costly and most underrated agent of human change. Kindness that catches us by surprise brings out the best in our natures."

                                                                    -Bob Kerrey

       For most people empathy/compassion is a learned response to the needs of others. As a child I had moments of it , but, in retrospect, I realize how woefully insensitive I was to the needs of my parents and sister. Were I able to go back in time, those needs would be the first things I would address. As with most people  my own travails and witnessing others’ made me aware.( Some people never can incorporate such feelings. I heard of two women bonded in mockingly speak of their lack of empathy. Ironically these were 2am mothers, always ready for their own.)

       Once a part of you the difference it can make in others’ lives and your own is wondrous. A hint of this is seen  in a recent tv ad.  It deftly shows people make spontaneous gestures of thoughtfulness and others taking note of them.

     The driver on our bus route is serious, even scowling woman. From experience I interpret it as a racial response to me. One day for the first time, she initiated a conversation, inquiring about the colorful bag I had. Later, in thinking of this, I leaped to the idea of giving her one our extra bags. Here she is doing the dame route over and over, few passengers,etc.,etc.. A numbing job. So, there I was waiting at our stop with the bag.  I saw a light-up-the-world  broad grin and she gave me a hug! It was so easy to do. I hoped the it made her day and maybe restored some goodwill.  That is an example from last week.  You see the chance and carpe momentum.

      John Prine’s great song "Hello in there" is about empathy for lonely older people. If walking along the street and you see lonely, ancient eyes don’t look away as if you don’t care, but say hello in  there. Drawing on my own life again I have  become very tuned into  the elderly. I volunteer at JABA’s Adult Care Center where there is very diverse group of seniors, all handicapped physically and/or mentally. I visit with them. From time to time, I bring something connected to someone there. It is so appreciated by them and me. Also I must say there is much humor there, enhanced by a caring, fun staff. I feel my waterworks priming…

    No need to belabor the value of unexpected kindness…. Bov Kerrey is the former U.S. and, until recently, a college president. This statement probably resonates deeply within him. As a 20 year old, he was a gungho Navy Seal in Vietnam and he took part in some atrocities that perhaps a selective memory had  deleted.  However, it is my projection that contemplation of acts of unkindness led to his elevated awareness. He came to it a hard way. It would be interested to know how he applies this in his daily life.

How many times have we heard, "You, too, can be a lawyer, doctor or an architect?" It is an exhortation given to young people looking ahead to the world of work.

It is a grossly misleading and frankly a wrong truism. Right off the bat, I will start with myself. I have neither the intelligence, talent or drive for any of those three. I feel very blessed to have found a profession suited to my limited range of talents. As a reference librarian, I found the perfect niche for a gregarious generalist  

There are over 800 occupations listed in an annual  Dept. Of Labor publication. Each is valid and a good fit for someone. With the right attitude and circumstances, all work has its merit, even nobility. It’s what you put into it.

I have a wonderful example. A cousin’s husband worked in construction until he injured his back. He took a job as an elementary school custodian. Harold’s warm personality made him a good fit right away and he much enhanced his value because  he is a an accomplished cartoonist. Kids would come in to school to find one of Harold’s wondrous creations on the blackboard. Harold was one of the most popular staff members and I am sure that years later, students remember him fondly. He made a difference. And, Harold was "only" a janitor, not a distinguished title, but he made it special and probably more satisfying than many more prestigious jobs.

So, no, you can’t become anything you want to be (another misleading cliche) but there are many options in the world of work. You, too, can be a nurse, a welder, a copy editor, a waitress, or a tree surgeon….