Barack Obama does not know what a hitch ball cover is, and I am so happy! Come on, admit it, you are too.
The upcoming elections of 2008 are actually quite exciting now. Think about it: no more corn pone presidents. Fellow citizens, unite! We are 80 percent urban/suburban and yet we live in a land where the minority view of the 20 percent who live in Bubbaland skews the body politic like a plague of yellow journalism. Why are our presidents and presidential candidates catering to the 20 percent anyway? It’s such a crazy notion. Was it the Abe-Lincoln-born-in-a-log-cabin myth that they promote as a badge of machismo? Hard roots, dustbowl, chopping wood, pulling stumps. Arrrgh! This is the 21st century, dammit!! Act like it, you bumpkin morons. Same to you, electorate.
 The most important thing about Rudy Giuliani isn’t that he’s the former mayor of New York City, but that he’s not one of the heads of Bubbaland: the 20 percent of America that plagues the body politic. |
It’s time for our candidates and we-the-people to cast off the demons of corn pones past and move on (not-dot-org). Look at the idiotic mythology that wins the presidency:
George W. Bush: Texas oilman and rancher wannabe. Yeeeehi! Get out the hat, the gun, the missiles.
Bill Clinton: From a place called Hope, he’ll take you down to the licklog and tell all y’all ’bout the "new covenant" of his candidacy.
Ronald Reagan: From Midwest roots, actor-turned-ersatz-rancher (cue the flannel shirt and chopping of wood). Gave rise to the term "Cowboy Diplomacy." Death Valley, here we come.
Jimmy Carter: Southern peanut farmer from Plains, Georgia, whose brother Billy will not only fix you up with a Billy Beer, he’ll gas up the General Lee and show you how to piss outside. Oh Jimmah, why’d ya do it? Naval Academy grad, master’s in nukes from Syracuse, submariner captain for gawdsakes, and you play up the peanut farmer from Plains?
Lyndon Johnson: Hound-dog-ear-pullin’-Texas-rancher-steer-on-the-spit. Whoowee! Are you being channeled by George W? You were a degreed teacher and coach? Did you really have to dumb yourself down to get elected?
Fellow Americans, we have an opportunity of a lifetime here! The top four candidates in the polls right now are totally and unapologetically citified! Hillary, Giuliani, Obama, Romney. Black, white, Protestant, Catholic, Mormon, who cares? They’re urban. Hello, anyone out there? Read my lips: No more corn pone!
Hillary’s from the Chicago burbs. Total urbanite. Ivy league. Knows how to deal with corn pone. Ask Bill.
Giuliani: New Yawka and Italian. Better shoes than Hillary. "Hey, Putin! Who you lookin’ at?"
Romney? Ultraprep from Bloomfield. Gazillionaire businessman from posh Belmont burbs of Boston. Would bring real golf back to the presidency.
And then there’s Obama: International and urban. Trés cool. Also from Chicaga, and he doesn’t know what a hitch ball cover is. That proves to us he’s one of the 80 percent, and 100 percent corn pone free!
Come on everybody, this race isn’t about Republicans vs Democrats or Conservatives vs Liberals. We can finally free ourselves of the shackles of corn pone politics and finally breathe the rarefied air of the city. Culture, creativity, opportunity, multicultural, urban chic, intelligentia-packed cities that make America great! Carl Sandburg didn’t wax poetic over Hope, Midland, Plains or Bubbaland. There’s not a song about Hope or Plains or Midland or…but there is "New York, New York" and more Chicago songs than I can remember, and oh yeah, "Gary, Indiana," "Allentown," "Viva Las Vegas…."
Randolph Byrd is a sometimes political commentator, analyst and, in his words, a "washed up political activist."