In 2003, I’d been dating a guy for about a month and I was tired from the yo-yo dating. You know how this goes; I’d be interested, he’d be MIA. I’d lose interest and he was backon the scene again. I see this over and over again. Dates that almost happen, punctuated by periods of near communication: “Another text message, what does that mean?” It feels like playing a game, and it’s one of the reasons that dating is hard and leaves you feeling vulnerable. Undoubtedly, there are moments of when you think, “What am I doing wrong?” and “Am I good enough?”
What is at the heart of this dynamic? It could be that one or both of you aren’t fully ready for a relationship. No wonder the pendulum swings back and forth.
What keeps a person from being fully open and ready? In a nutshell, unresolved stuff that dominates your attention and emotion, both consciously and unconsciously: a recent heartbreak or lingering feelings for someone else; divorce and separation; death of a loved one; unresolved issues with parents or family members; legal or work problems; physical, mental or emotional problems.
How do you tell if you’re ready and open? Listen to your words. If you find yourself saying things like:
• “I’m afraid of being hurt”
• “I’m afraid of hurting her”
• “I always date the wrong people”
• “Few people get me”
then you may have some walls up. Moreover, you might find yourself dating people who are in the same place. It makes sense that subconsciously you’d be interested in others who aren’t fully open. If neither of you have the emotional energy for a relationship, you get to have some socialization without pressure to nurture and sustain intimacy.
Say you are shutting down when it comes to love. What can you do? Take time to get your life in order, get closure, and get clear about your patterns. Patterns help you feel safer in vulnerable situations but don’t necessarily get you where you want to go. You might notice the same problems come up repeatedly in your relationships, like always dating people who aren’t willing to be monogamous. You might repeatedly accept less than what you really want because you’re worried no one else will take interest in you. Break patterns by doing the opposite of what you usually do, like ending a relationship with someone who can’t offer monogamy. It will feel risky and awkward at first. You’ll find yourself face to face with your fear that others won’t find you desirable. By taking your fear on, you’ll develop new ways of dealing with it, and will no longer need to try to find a way to be O.K. with non-monogamy.
In 2003, there were a couple of things occupying my emotional space, including the recent break-up of a serious live-in relationship and the passing of my father the year before. I wasn’t running on full cylinders and wasn’t fully conscious of it. That’s the tricky thing about dating. So much of the dynamics are below the surface that we’re not fully aware of what’s standing in the way. Get started by always listening to your gut, and never ever beat yourself up.