Author: marya-choby

Few Charlottesville singles over 35 are immune to the challenges of meeting people to date. I’m reminded by a letter from a male reader: “I have come to the conclusion that single women do not exist in Charlottesville.” Done with the bar scene, all the women he meets are too young, married or taken. Dear writer, take heart. I know for a fact that there are single, high quality women over 35 in this town and I’ll tell you where to meet them.

Get involved. Women like to build a sense of community. When we want to meet new people, we take a class or join a group where we’ll see the same faces over and over. We learn a language at Speak Language Center or UVA Continuing Ed. We volunteer, take art classes at McGuffey or PVCC, and fill the yoga and mind-body classes. We’re at church or meditation and book groups. “Safety in numbers” has been drilled into our heads so we hike and do outdoor activities with groups. The Outdoor Adventure Social Club is not a singles organization but they draw a good number of single women.

Women think this should be a good way to meet men. Our fantasy is that we’ll see you on a weekly basis, make small talk before and after class, exchange introductions, and eventually we’ll get an invite to coffee. But there’s a problem. Very few men are in our classes or groups. This is where you need to focus your efforts.

A word of caution: you can’t just go to a yoga class with the sole purpose of meeting women. Get involved with activities that are really in alignment with your interests and that you’d pursue for six to eight sessions regardless. That way, you’re not just a guy in a yoga class checking out the ladies. Once there, there’s no need for pick-up lines. Just be friendly and approachable, make small talk, smile, introduce yourself. Build some rapport a few times before asking for coffee.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t address your belief that dating in this town is futile. If you think there are no women here, you’ll find evidence that you’re right. You’ll miss out on opportunities, stop trying, or write women off too soon. Believe me, I get it. You’ve been dating for 20 years and you’re tired. But an intimate connection with the right partner can be one of the greatest sources of joy in this lifetime. Take a break and get back out there again. The single women of this town will be glad that you did.

Ann had made a lot of effort to get to a blind date with a guy she’d met online. Seeing him across the room she instantly wanted out. He was 50 pounds heavier than his picture, with fly down and a large stain on his T-shirt. Ugh. This was not the romantic scene she’d envisioned and is the reason online dating gets a bad rap. Add to it the dating buffet mentality. There’s always another plate, I mean date, right around the corner so you’re less likely to give each other a real chance. With Internet dating in a small town, you’re faced with a narrow pool of prospects and everyone’s dated each other. Imagine our frustration when my sister and I discovered she’d been out with a guy I’d met online five years before. At least we got to compare notes. O.K., so, the downsides are many, but if you really want to find love, you’ve got to go on more than three dates a year. In Charlottesville, the Web one of the best options for meeting lots of people. There are a few things you can do to have better dates.

Have you browsed the profiles of your competition? Almost all of them say the same thing: “I’m smart, attractive, funny, and passionate, looking for someone who is intelligent, open-minded and kind, with a good sense of humor.” Lists of adjectives are too subjective and you can read anything into them. Opt instead for proper nouns. Tell stories about funny or important aspects of your life and give examples of what you want. Instead of “I want someone smart,” try, “You like to share the newspaper on Sunday morning and can hold your own in a lively debate about current events.” It’s tempting to avoid specificity for fear readers will rule you out, but it breathes personality into your writing so the right match will be able to spot you more easily. 

After a few bad dates it’s natural to want to meet in person as quickly as possible to avoid wasting time. Unknowingly, you sabotage your potential for chemistry. When was the last time you sat down to dinner with a complete stranger and made a good impression?  Nerves kill the spark. Have a few e-mails and phone calls first. You’ll get more solid information, have more realistic expectations, and weed out the wrong people so you don’t end up sharing a table with them. Remember, anyone and everyone is on the Internet. If you’re only attracted to a small percent of the people you meet in real life, why would it be any different online?

It’s true that dating in Charlottesville is harder than in the average town, and if you’re over 40 it’s even more challenging. I frequently hear women say every man they meet is married.  Let’s face it, a single woman’s daily routine isn’t stacked with opportunities to meet men, especially if you work in a female dominated workplace. Your yoga class, book group, or art workshops aren’t exactly male meccas.  When you do find a man in your Spanish class, the male to female ratio is so skewed that it feels like you’re back in high school fighting for attention from the hottest guy in class. Few obvious venues cater exclusively to singles, outside of the bars. There just aren’t enough singletons looking to meet someone to sustain ongoing events. Despite all these challenges, it’s completely possible to find love in this town, but it will require you to make some changes and will probably take longer.

Deliberately spend time in locations where the men are. “Well, duh,” you say. “I’d do that if I knew where.”  Men are at coffee shops on Saturday and Sunday mornings. They’re at any park, hiking or biking on the trails, often alone.  They’re seeing live music or sports, at the gym or dog park, and in the bookstores. As you’ve already discovered, they’re not in your classes or groups and you’re more likely to meet them when you’re by yourself than out with friends.  Meeting men in these places isn’t entirely comfortable because we’ve had it drilled into our heads to think about safety first.  It’s easier if you become a regular at these spots.  Make friends with other patrons so you can let down your guard and seize the moment. Your challenge is to spontaneously flirt and make a positive impression and connection. When your interaction comes to a close, say, “Maybe I’ll see you around sometime.” It’s the magic phrase that gives him the green light to ask you out.

Significantly increase your chances by going online. If you’ve been online for some time, you’re probably rolling your eyes at this suggestion. Yes, it’s depressing to see the same faces that were there five years ago, but if you’re really serious about settling down, you’ve got to have more than three dates a year. Expand your search to include men from D.C. and Richmond. There’s no magic solution. Be patient and stay optimistic. If you believe there are good single men in this town, you’re much more likely to spot them when they cross your path.

I can’t believe I’m writing an article on this topic and worse, I’m appalled by what I’m about to tell you. Women should let men phone first in early stages of dating. I’m in favor of modern gender roles and relationships but, as a dating coach, I’ve discovered that traditional “courting” norms still apply. They’re so ingrained in our subconscious; if a woman calls a man he’s apt to think she’s overeager, too available, and perhaps a bit desperate. In truth, his interest cools because there’s not the anticipation and anxiety that comes from harboring uncertainty about whether she’s really interested.

Any woman who has waited for a man to call knows her desire grows as the hours pass. And there’s research to back it up. Bruce Bower wrote about it in his article “The Dating Go Round” for Science News published this past Valentine’s Day. Thirty years ago, Dorothy Tennov interviewed thousands of people and found that passion grows from a mix of “hope and uncertainty” about how interested the object of affection really is. A speed dating study published in September 2008 by Eli Finkel and Paul Eastwick confirms her research: worry about whether the other person is interested heightens the motivation to pursue the relationship.

We know we should not dial the phone, but this is one of the most nerve-wracking times in dating. The vulnerability of waiting and wondering becomes overwhelming. So how do you stay cool and calm? When you notice yourself going down a fear spiral, stop yourself, trust that if you’re meant to date him, he will call, and take action. Action is an antidote to fear. Get busy seeing friends, exercising, and going on more dates. There’s nothing like a date with someone else to shift the power dynamic. You’ll feel more desirable from the abundance of options and there’s the opportunity to get a little distance and perspective. 

What if he really is a shy guy who thinks you’re out of his league and needs a bit more encouragement to pursue you? Chances are as slim as a meteor landing on your home. But, if you seriously think he’s always pursued and never the pursuer, you may e-mail him if you don’t hear from him in a week. Say, “I was just thinking about you. How are you”? You’ll get your answer.

One last thing, no calling also means no texting, e-mailing, or Facebooking to “innocently” say thanks for a great date. It’s obvious you’re fishing for an invitation for a second date, which is like driving the final nail into your own coffin.

I was prepared to dislike Rachel Greenwald’s book Why He Didn’t Call You Back, which outlines the results of 1,000 “exit interviews” she conducted with men who never initiated second dates. Surprisingly, I’ll recommend this book to all of my clients. She doesn’t ask a woman to change her identity for a man, merely to be aware of how guys evaluate you at first meeting. Men are wary of repeating unpleasant dating experiences and try to rule you out rather than in. On a first date, he’ll pigeonhole you based on a series of seemingly insignificant statements and actions. Spend too long petting a puppy after giving signs your biological clock is ticking and he’ll conclude you’re looking for a baby daddy and disappear. Knowing you give off the procreation vibe, you may want to avoid swooning over the pooch to temper it a bit. Make a few tweaks to your first and second date behavior and you’ll be more likely to keep the door open to future dates.

Sound deceptive? You and your date don’t know each other at all. Fall into one of these labels and he’ll never have a chance to get to know the real you. More time gives him a context for your comments and actions. The more you can stay out of your danger zone on dates, the longer he’ll stick around and you get to choose who you want to be with.  It’s about being prepared to make a good impression, like you would for a job interview.

Greenwald lays out the 10 most common reasons he doesn’t call back. The top reason? Controlling behavior, which reminds him of the competitive atmosphere of work and isn’t sexy. Others include being boring, deceptive, high maintenance, a husband chaser, and self-absorbed. Surprisingly, physical appearance didn’t come up enough to warrant a separate category.

Women are bad at judging what went wrong on a date. According to Greenwald, women were wrong 90 percent of the time. 78 percent of women thought he hadn’t called for reasons beyond her control: bad timing, fear of intimacy, or his knowing she wasn’t into him. In reality, 85 percent of men didn’t follow up due to something she did or said that was a turn-off.  That’s a hard pill to swallow for those of us who take comfort in “it’s him, not you” post-date rationalizing. The good news is there are things you can do. Take the mini-quizzes to identify your weak points and follow her strategies for staying on track. If you’re really ready for a change, use her script to do exit-interviews of your own.

He and his family had concerns about the relationship before he married. His wife ended up in an affair and pregnant by another man. It’s heartbreaking but not surprising. Parents and friends can see things you can’t or don’t want to. They act like your gut when you’re ignoring yours. What do you do if you get feedback from them that you don’t like?

You have to know yourself and what you need in order to make heads or tails of it. Here’s an exercise to help. Make a list of everyone you’ve dated. Write what worked and what didn’t about each. Things to include: shared interests, how you communicated, values, views on the future, sex, and how you tackled practical everyday matters like handling money, energy levels, and gender roles. Look for what you learned about what you need. Say you never talked about sex. Create a statement that says what you wish had happened: “We talk openly about our sex life so we know how to satisfy each other.” When every item is stated in positive terms, you can categorize them.

Sort them into requirements, emotional needs, functional needs, and wants. Identify your relationship requirements first. They’re deal breakers. Things like wanting kids, taking responsibility for actions, monogamy, or sharing political views. Ask yourself: “Would this relationship eventually end if I didn’t have this?” If yes, without exceptions, it’s a requirement. You’ll likely have between eight and 12, says David Steele, author of Conscious Dating.

Emotional and functional needs are next. When emotional needs are met you feel loved and cared for. Honoring differences of opinion, and feeling supported and listened to may make the list. Functional needs speak to how you get through the day. Think about organization, initiating activities or punctuality. Ask, “Will the relationship end without this”? If yes, no exceptions, bump it up to a requirement. If no, ask “Will this bug me, if it doesn’t happen?” Unmet needs lead to disagreements that can be resolved, but won’t lead to relationship death.

Wants are the icing on the cake and add fun. They’re shared interests like listening to music, running or traveling. If wants aren’t met, there are other ways to enjoy each other.

Knowing what you need, you can weigh your loved one’s concerns. Are they picking up on a requirement that you missed, or is it merely a want or need that you can negotiate? Romantic notions of love aren’t enough to guide partner choice. You get second opinions on your health and investments, why would love be any different?

No, I didn’t fall and bump my head and your eyes aren’t deceiving you. Marrying for love is actually a relatively new phenomenon.  There’s a vast record of arranged marriage in much of the Muslim world, among Hasidic Jews, in India, in many Asian societies, throughout European history, and even in Colonial America. The choice of partner was much too important to be left up to youngsters filled with love hormones. Current day, semi-arranged marriages are more the norm. Acting more like matchmakers, families guide singles to a multitude of appropriate prospects that make sense on a practical level.

According to Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist, only 5 percent of these arranged marriages end in divorce. This statistic may be a measure of how hard it is to divorce, rather than actual marital happiness. But for those that marry first and foremost for love, there are lessons we can learn about benefits of involving family and friends in the choice of mate.

Give your family a chance to have some input about whom you end up with. Now don’t get all riled up by this. I’m not suggesting you give up your independent right to choose and become a momma’s boy. If your folks really see you as an adult (not little Johnnie or Suzie), and they get what’s important to you, they have a pretty decent sense of what you need and whether or not you’re getting it in your current relationship. They know when things aren’t right but they may be hesitant to say it, not wanting to rock the boat.  Consider asking them what they think. Say, “I’m serious about making a good choice and I want to know how you feel about us as a match.” If you’re hesitant to ask because you fear you won’t like what you hear, that may be a red flag that there’s something not right about your relationship. 

I acknowledge that some parents aren’t capable of offering a balanced perspective. Likely, you know if that pertains to you. Instead, I recommend enlisting the feedback of a few trusted friends. Your friends can see if you’re repeating patterns, often before you can. Ask them to tell you if you seem to be losing yourself in a relationship or if you start dating the same unavailable guy again. This input helps you stay conscious of what’s really going on. If you find yourself not telling your friends key details about your boyfriend, that may be a sign you’re not completely comfortable with certain aspects of your relationship. What if you get feedback you disagree with? Check back here in a couple of weeks to get the rest of the story.

If your folks really see you as an adult, and they get what’s important to you, they have a pretty decent sense of what you need and whether or not you’re getting it in your current relationship.