Flirting is supposed to be a delicious, fun, lighthearted exchange. Boil it down to three things: smiling, making eye contact and chatting. Some people are naturals while others hold onto habits developed in seventh grade: blush, duck, and run and hide. If you want a date, showing interest is more important than how attractive you are, say Allan and Barbara Pease of The Definitive Book of Body Language. But worrying about rejection kills your ability to seize the moment.
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Stop putting pressure on each exchange to mean something. The more you worry about the outcome: “I’m probably not her type,” “he can’t be single,” “she’s too good for me,” the more you clam up with self-consciousness. And you’re making flirting a bigger deal than it is. People find love when they’re not looking because they’re more relaxed, and they’re not putting pressure on every interaction to become something. This isn’t a marriage proposal and there are a million different reasons why someone doesn’t respond. Very few have to do with you.
For singles I work with, I recommend practicing on anyone and everyone. Keep a small smile on your face and make eye contact and small talk with people you run into. Chat with people on the elevator and in the grocery store and soon enough, it’ll be a habit to have friendly conversations with strangers. Since you’re already in the mode, there’ll be fewer deer-in-the-headlight moments.
Speaking up is key. Talk about what’s going on around you. Chatting about the color of the flowers at the City Market or about your love of the homemade doughnuts is more natural than trying to come up with a smooth opening line. Ask questions like “How is it in there?” or “Do you know where the goat cheese is?” Avoid complaining though, which turns people off. Notice how your comments are received and focus on getting practice, not on picking people up. Pat yourself on your back as you get better.
What if you freeze up? Embrace the feeling and breathe through it, don’t try to fight it and soon it will dissipate. Look away for a second or two to reduce stimulation. Make a joke about it: “Look at me, I’m all tongue tied.”
Don’t analyze every detail after it’s over. You’ll invite your inner critic to chime in and undoubtedly he’ll say you stuck your foot in your mouth or had TP on your shoe. It’s easy to come up with reasons why you should never take a risk again, but that won’t give you the love life you want.