We talked about all the important relationship stuff before we got engaged. Once we did, there was a greater psychic urgency to make sure we were doing the right thing. No longer was our union merely hypothetical, or fantasy. I’d be staring at that pile of clothing on the bathroom floor from now until eternity. The last-minute search for a lost wallet or car keys on his part would be a permanent fixture in my previously relatively well-organized life.
The process of preparing to become a permanent “we” rates high on the stress meter. Many levelheaded women transform into Bridezilla as the pressure of taking a life mate is projected onto decisions about table napkins, or whether to serve beef or the chipper chicken. As a bride in today’s world, it was hard for me not to dwell on modern divorce rates and other “cheerful” statistics, with a desire to make sure I wasn’t going to be one of them.
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It’s imperative, if you want an emotional connection for the long haul, to say what you need, rather than criticize. |
The bottom line is, you can’t predict whether you’re still going to love each other in 30 years, but you can look at your relationship now to determine if you have a foundation for a lasting, positive, emotional connection. Marriage is about staying open to each other and saying “yes,” rather than repeatedly shutting down and out.
It’s imperative, if you want an emotional connection for the long haul, to say what you need, rather than criticize. As a single, I knew I needed someone with good relationship skills. When I first met my husband, I noticed that he was a good listener, direct, kind and calm. I felt safe to say what I needed. I worried about hurting his feelings when I told him that I preferred short hair over his long hair, but he appreciated my direct approach. He was relieved I didn’t create some emotional drama about it. His ego wasn’t bruised and he decided to cut his hair. I was grateful and it brought us closer, which was a good sign.
One of the greatest gifts you can give your spouse is to listen and respond when she tells you how your behavior affects her. When my boyfriend cut his hair for me, it was an egoless act. He was secure enough to know that having short hair at my request wouldn’t compromise who he was. He wanted to become closer and knew this would help. How do you and your fiancé do with putting aside your ego to respond to a need, say I’m sorry, or to take responsibility for your actions? This is crucial for keeping walls from building, and healing and resolving problems.
In every relationship, it’s normal to have moments when you feel affection and others when you wonder how the hell you ended up together. You will get stuck in ruts. The key is to be able to pull yourself out. Get ready now by noticing the topics of conversation or activities that get the chemistry going again. This is like money in the bank that you can draw on when you need to feel closer. Shared goals beyond those of raising kids and creating financial security will enrich and sustain your marriage. Collectively valued knowledge and learning, personal growth, or spiritual enlightenment, can provide connective material for years to come.