“So I had cooked a special dinner, lit candles everywhere, and really was in the mood that night and then guess what happened? Nothing! He could not get it up! I never thought that would happen to me. I felt so miserable; I probably won’t see him again.”
“I think my boyfriend is losing interest in me. He just does not seem to be into me anymore and seems to be avoiding sex. And it takes him forever to get a hard-on, if at all.”
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“My husband had prostate surgery a few months ago and now has a problem getting erections.”
There can be many reasons why a man can’t get an erection. Let me say up front that it’s considered completely normal for a male of any age to have an occasional problem with his erections.
Being sexually turned on increases the bloodflow to the genitals, causing women to get wet, and men to get hard-ons. And then there are days—or nights—for all of us, where the flow is just not there. That’s considered completely normal! The only difference is that in women it’s harder to notice than in men.
Let’s say he is not feeling well, is tired, or has had too much to drink. Chances are that he may not be able to get it up. In that case, ladies, just realize that this has nothing to do with his attraction to you, and the situation will improve when he recharges his batteries, or sobers up. If you make a big problem out of it, you may just make matters worse.
Only when a guy has consistent problems with his erections is there reason for him—and maybe you—to be concerned. Some men suffer from performance anxiety. Being nervous or fearful—for whatever reason—puts too much stress hormone in his system to have an erection.
Therefore, the only way a man with performance anxiety will be able to have erections is by relaxing. Sometimes, taking medicines like Viagra, Cialis or Levitra helps, simply because it will help him maintain his erection, allowing him to be less nervous. Usually, he will only need to take medicine for a while, until he regains his confidence. It’s like using crutches while you have a broken leg.
The best thing a partner can do is to reassure him that his failed erection is not a big deal, thereby helping him relax. The worst thing would be to make a big issue out of it.
The book The New Male Sexuality, by Bernie Zilbergeld, addresses this in more detail. I highly recommend it to both male and female readers.
Older men will experience a normal decline in their erections over time, but complete and consistent inability to have an erection is not considered normal, and is called erectile dysfunction (ED). Especially following prostate cancer surgery some men experience erectile problems.
Bob Dole gave the green light to speak up about this very common problem. Any health provider can prescribe some of the available medications, or if necessary refer to an urologist. Sometimes ED can be related to other health issues, such as diabetes or blood pressure problems, making a health check-up necessary.
So to sum it up, don’t worry about occasional problems with his erections, but do get him to follow up with his health provider in case of consistent ED.
If someone cannot tolerate the available drugs, which by the way need to be prescribed and should never be shared or ordered online, there are some other options to treat ED. These include medicines that are applied directly into the urethra (urethral suppository, MUSE), or injected into the side of the penis (Caverject). And then there is the good old vacuum pump—and as a last resort, men can have penile implants inserted surgically.
Charlottesville’s Annette Owens, MD, Ph.D., is certified by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists. She has co-edited the four-volume book, Sexual Health (Praeger).