Ask your partner or your friends “What does sex mean to you?” and you might be surprised. What seems like a simple question is not so at all. People often have very different ideas about what “having sex” means.
To some, the answer seems simple—and they often wonder why I ask such a weird question. Sex means intercourse. For them, sex is purely physical with a focus on stimulating each other’s genitals, ideally to the point of reaching orgasm.
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But listen to these answers:
“Commitment, trust, comfort, investment in the other person”; “Pleasure, bonding”; “Physical connection with a lover; being inside each others’ bodies is as close as you can get with each other”; “Something special you only do with your partner.”
Clearly, in these sample responses, the emotional connection to the partner is just as important as the physical component of sex.
But let’s be realistic. For whatever reason, not everyone is in the situation of having a partner they feel a deep, emotional connection to—far from it. They may be single and still looking for “the one.” Or they may have a hard time becoming emotionally close to anyone. Sometimes it’s only a matter of time before they meet a person they can feel that deep level of connection to.
And sex can work just fine without the emotional part. People who have a one-night stand with a person they hardly know may get enormous physical pleasure out of it and be content with that experience. Or not, because, as we know, sex can be complicated.
Now, does sex always have to include intercourse? Consider this food analogy:
A bowl of plain pasta will satisfy your hunger all right, but it’s really not a good meal until you add the sauce, the spices, a salad, some garlic bread and perhaps a glass of wine. It’s the same with sex. By only focusing on intercourse, you miss out on all the good stuff that could come along with it.
Think of sex as looking at a restaurant menu of options and then picking a few selections each time. Some days, you may even want to leave the pasta out altogether. And you definitely don’t eat your way through the entire menu each time you are out for dinner.
Too many lovers fall into the rut of repeating the same old routine each time they have sex. Their hands automatically reach out to each other’s genitals, counting on the familiar ways of turning their partner on and often entirely bypassing the largest sex organ we have: the skin.
Instead of rushing straight to the privates, give your lover a delicious scalp massage, or nibble on his ears. Or start at the other end by massaging his (or her) toes and feet. Remember, there’s actually an entire body here you can play with and explore, literally from top to toe.
San Francisco sex therapist Marty Klein has written a book called Let Me Count the Ways: Discovering Great Sex Without Intercourse. He has coined the term “outercourse” for sexual activities that go beyond penis-in-vagina sex.
Here are just a few examples: Talk sexy about what you like
to do together, read erotica together, watch sex films, search for the arousing spots on your lover’s body (some people like
to play “hide the honey” where you place some dabs of honey on your body and let your blindfolded partner discover them and lick them off), get out your favorite sex toys, have oral sex, anal sex, or engage in fantasy play.
Just see what you and your lover like. There is no right and wrong, as long as no one gets hurt or is pushed way beyond their comfort level. But do free yourself of the old, repetitive ways—at least once in a while.
Charlottesville’s Annette Owens, MD, Ph.D., is certified by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists. She has co-edited the four-volume book, Sexual Health(Praeger).