An image of it was found on a 13,000-year-old etched plaque discovered during an archeological dig in Enlene, France. Hemingway’s novel The Garden of Eden centers around it. Go to the Metropolitan Museum of Art and you will find ancient Greek vases depicting scenes of it. Pick up the latest issue of Playboy and see yet another variation of the same old theme: Threesomes—sex between three individuals of any gender mix—are not an invention of the 20th or 21st century but, rather, go way back to ancient times.
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Another name for this type of sexual activity is ménage à trois. And many men and women fantasize about trying it out. If you are one of them, there are some things to consider:
Who should the third person be, someone you know or don’t know? What gender should the person be? Do you both need to be attracted to the person? How close will you let the person get to you? How do you think that person might feel afterwards, and do you care one way or the other? Are there any things you don’t want to do or let the other two people do to you? Do you only want the third person to watch you two or should he or she engage actively with you? What if two people pair off for a while and exclude the third person? Do you think you might feel jealousy or guilt afterwards?
In order to make threesomes work, it’s really impor-tant to think hard about where your personal boundaries are and how far you will go. Once the line is crossed, you cannot undo what happened. If one person has even the slightest hesitation, it’s probably not a good idea to carry out the fantasy.
Besides the psychological risks and the ever-present chance of unintended preg-nancy, there is the obvious physical risk of contracting sexually transmitted diseases. If there is vaginal or anal penetration involved, fresh condoms need to be used each time, and dental dams and condoms are recommended during oral sex.
If all of this seems too daunting to you, and in the end it does to many, there are some safe alternatives that may end up being as much—or at least almost as much—of a turn on as a real ménage à trois. Invite an imaginary third person in the bedroom with you. You can describe to your partner what you are fantasizing about doing sexually and listen to him or her about what she is fantasizing about.
Watch an erotic video together and pretend that the real action is right where you are. Hitting the power button afterwards is much easier than escorting your third lover out of your bedroom and hopefully out of your personal sphere and life.
Charlottesville’s Annette Owens, MD, Ph.D., is certified by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists. She has co-edited the four-volume book, Sexual Health (Praeger).