Have you ever really wanted to initiate a conversation with a friend, but you’re so worried that it has the potential to be a disastrous mess that you keep avoiding it? When you walk your dog, do you practice what you’re going to say, but then you don’t say it? I’m here to help. Below, find some tough but important conversations. As John Mayer says, “Say what you need to say. Say what you need to say.” (He thinks up his greatest dialogue in the tattoo parlor.)
Your friend won’t stop complaining about her boyfriend. When you tell her to dump him, she starts defending him.
Solution: Have an honest conversation first, and then, if she doesn’t get it, it’s up to you to distract her. What’s the difference between her complaining about her boyfriend and you complaining about her complaining about her boyfriend? None.
Her: “…and that’s what he does every time and I’m really sick of it.”
You: “You sound frustrated.”
Her: “I am! Wouldn’t you be?”
You: “When I think about it, usually when we get together, you have a story about how he’s really made you angry or frustrated.”
Her: “I know. It’s always something with him.”
You: (Silence)
Her: “And I feel like you’re the only person who really gets it.”
You: “I listen to it, but I don’t get it. You’re in a relationship with someone and you want him to do everything he does differently. I’d love to see you take action. You’re a strong person, and you should either do the work to make your relationship a good one, or get out of it. I want to see you happy, and I’d love to spend more of our time together focusing on what’s good in both of our lives.”
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Your friend told a mutual friend one of your biggest secrets. You’re mad and betrayed, but don’t like conflict.
Solution: If you really don’t want to get emotional, use humor. But,
when it comes to friends spilling your secrets, we don’t advise giving second chances. Period.
You: “Hey, blabbermouth, Angelina told me that you told her what I told you about such and such. I was pretty shocked that she knew this. You’re the only person I told, and I asked you not to tell anyone.”
Her: “I didn’t know it was a big secret.”
You: “Well, I think you did and that’s the last one I’ll ever tell you.”
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You’re frustrated that your friend never returns any calls. She also never initiates any plans. Your one-sided relationship makes you feel pretty rejected, but you don’t want to sound clingy.
Solution: This is a tough one. It involves basic etiquette, mutual gains, patience, self-esteem. The beauty is that friends are not lovers. Distance doesn’t take a toll on true friendship. If they’re worth it, keep trying. In the meantime, invest time and energy in other friends, too.
You: (on voicemail): “Take me to coffee or lose me forever!”
Her: (calling you back):
“Got your message. Hilarious. I’m sorry I’ve been so out of touch.”
You: “Let’s get one thing on the calendar to do together. When we get together it’s such a blast that I don’t mind hounding you. And I know you need me.”
Her: “I really do. Let’s make it sooner rather than later.”
You: “Tomorrow. Quick dinner. No fuss.”
Her: “Sounds great. I’ll bring the wine.”
See? Humor, honesty, humor, honesty. Repeat over coffee or tea.
Denise Stewart is a local writer, actor and business lady who loves her screen-writing group and drinks with twists.