Author: denise-stewart

Sometimes the truth is a big semi truck that’s crossing the center line. Sure, you want to avoid it, but when that means driving off a cliff, you find yourself thinking, “This is a tough spot.” This month, we look at a few instances of how facing the truth can make a friendship grow without putting you in the hospital.

The other night, my friend got a little too flirty with my significant other—and it’s not the first time. I’m not threatened, but it makes me and my guy super uncomfortable. How can I tell her to back off?
He doesn’t need you to defend his honor or personal space. I want to ask about
the lush factor here, but I’ll do what I normally do, and assume I’m right—alcohol was involved. This friendship needs to move to the light of day. If it doesn’t hold up sober and one-on-one, then she is just an acquaintance.
Flirty McGee: Do you guys want to ride together to Jenny’s party? I’ll drive.
You: No, thanks. We might skip it.
FM: Well, that stinks. I want to hang out with you soon.
You: I could do lunch on Friday. Just the two of us?
FM: I’ll check and e-mail you.
You: Sounds good.

I’ve got a close-talking friend who has horrible breath! How do I suggest to her, tactfully, that she needs more than a breath mint once in a while?
One time my son told me my breath smelled bad and it really embarrassed me and hurt my feelings. (I have since been lucky enough to return the favor.) The abrupt truth is territory for best friends, family and NYC cab drivers, so I’ll navigate a gentler (sneakier) path
for you.
Hali: (holding a gift bag) What is this?
You: Isn’t it cute? It’s a little goodie bag of beauty products (with organic toothpaste). I’m trying to switch over to all organic stuff and thought I’d take you with me.
Hali: Cool! Thank you.
You: I even got extra toothpaste to replace my little work set. Pull out little work set from purse. I’m going whole hog.
Hali: Aren’t you cute? A little toothbrush bag. That’s a really good idea.
You: Oh, it saves me after the Bodo’s Caesar salad.
Hali: I should do that, too.

My friend has had some unexpected expenses come up and has asked to borrow money. As a rule, I don’t really think friends should lend each other cash. How do I let her down easy?
Let me ask you this: Do you have a rule about gifts? When true friends ask for help, we must respond in some way. Give her cash or a gift card to a grocery store in an amount with which you feel comfortable. No strings attached.
You: I don’t loan money to friends, but I got you a gift card to Food Now!
Penny Lane: Thank you so much. That’s going to save me! I hated that I had to ask anybody for money. I’ve decided to call my grandfather.
You: And you should come to my house for dinner on Friday.
Penny: I love you.
You: I love you, too. You’re going to get through this.

Denise Stewart is a local writer, actor and business lady who loves her screenwriting group and drinks with twists.

You want to save her, don’t you? You’re a good super-friend. You probably inherited it like I did. I’ve got a good bit of my grandmother in me. Not the part that ate like a bird, but the part where she squinted her eyes and helped you plan your escape. Hardship made her crafty. Until she died at 91, she held onto a thank you note from a friend who she helped elope circa 1935. In this issue, I answer three tough friendship questions using the skills passed down to me from Kitty Kane, my awesome grandma.

What do you say to a friend who seems to be dissatisfied with her job?
Get her a card—a funny one about friendship or cats. On the inside, include a handwritten message: “You deserve the best. Can I help you find a new job?”
Her: I complain too much about my job, don’t I?
You: Nope. You complain just enough for me to know that it sucks. I’ll help you find a new one. Do you daydream about walking away from it all, like you might quit at any moment?
Her: Yes. I feel like I don’t even know who I am.
You: I want to shake you by the shoulders, but I don’t want to make a scene. Start picturing your last day, and when that starts to sound good, I’ll help you.

A buddy of mine is going through a super-tough stretch. I don’t want to pry, but I don’t want her to think I don’t care. What’s the difference (or the line) between being nosy and “being there”?
Take your friend on a long walk. Being shoulder-to-shoulder and on the move has a way of delivering you back to where you started.
You: Want to walk all the way to UVA and back?
Her: That’s a long way.
You: It’ll be good for us. If you get a blister, I’ll give you a Band-Aid.
You walk briskly. You sweat. It’s fun.
You: This will be good practice for Europe.
Her: Europe?
You: I think we should do our own Eat, Pray, Love thing, but just the Eat part. Let’s go to Italy to mark the end of a tough year.

My friend is always bashing something, and I used to enjoy this, but now I want to be a much more positive person. I’m changing. Is our future doomed?
Threw away all your snarky t-shirts, did ya? Left your girlfriend shopping at the Badwill all by herself? Feel like you want to start fresh with Kate Middleton and let her be the one famous lady you haven’t dogged? O.K., have it your way:
Her: She’s too skinny.
You: (You say nothing. This silence is difficult and you’re going to have to be ready to change the subject unless you want to argue that she’s not too skinny even though you think she is too skinny but you don’t want to have an opinion on this anymore).

Her: Hello? Anybody there?
You: I’m trying to be quiet because I don’t want to say anything negative.
Her: Oh jeez.
You: I’m serious.
Her: What is the matter with you?
You: I’m trying to be a more positive person.
Her: How long is this going to last?
You: What do you mean?
Her: I bet you can’t go two days without talking about somebody. I’m positive you can’t! You probably can’t even go two hours.
You: That is SO negative!
Her: I know…that’s why you love me.

Denise Stewart is a local writer, actor and business lady who loves her screenwriting group and drinks with twists.

 Have you ever really wanted to initiate a conversation with a friend, but you’re so worried that it has the potential to be a disastrous mess that you keep avoiding it? When you walk your dog, do you practice what you’re going to say, but then you don’t say it? I’m here to help. Below, find some tough but important conversations. As John Mayer says, “Say what you need to say. Say what you need to say.” (He thinks up his greatest dialogue in the tattoo parlor.)

Your friend won’t stop complaining about her boyfriend. When you tell her to dump him, she starts defending him.

Solution: Have an honest conversation first, and then, if she doesn’t get it, it’s up to you to distract her. What’s the difference between her complaining about her boyfriend and you complaining about her complaining about her boyfriend? None.

Her: “…and that’s what he does every time and I’m really sick of it.”
You: “You sound frustrated.”
Her: “I am! Wouldn’t you be?”
You: “When I think about it, usually when we get together, you have a story about how he’s really made you angry or frustrated.”
Her: “I know. It’s always something with him.”
You: (Silence)
Her: “And I feel like you’re the only person who really gets it.”
You: “I listen to it, but I don’t get it. You’re in a relationship with someone and you want him to do everything he does differently. I’d love to see you take action. You’re a strong person, and you should either do the work to make your relationship a good one, or get out of it. I want to see you happy, and I’d love to spend more of our time together focusing on what’s good in both of our lives.”

•

Your friend told a mutual friend one of your biggest secrets. You’re mad and betrayed, but don’t like conflict.

Solution: If you really don’t want to get emotional, use humor. But,
when it comes to friends spilling your secrets, we don’t advise giving second chances. Period.

You: “Hey, blabbermouth, Angelina told me that you told her what I told you about such and such. I was pretty shocked that she knew this. You’re the only person I told, and I asked you not to tell anyone.”
Her: “I didn’t know it was a big secret.”
You: “Well, I think you did and that’s the last one I’ll ever tell you.”

•

You’re frustrated that your friend never returns any calls. She also never initiates any plans. Your one-sided relationship makes you feel pretty rejected, but you don’t want to sound clingy.

Solution: This is a tough one. It involves basic etiquette, mutual gains, patience, self-esteem. The beauty is that friends are not lovers. Distance doesn’t take a toll on true friendship. If they’re worth it, keep trying. In the meantime, invest time and energy in other friends, too.

You: (on voicemail): “Take me to coffee or lose me forever!”
Her: (calling you back):
“Got your message. Hilarious. I’m sorry I’ve been so out of touch.”
You: “Let’s get one thing on the calendar to do together. When we get together it’s such a blast that I don’t mind hounding you. And I know you need me.”
Her: “I really do. Let’s make it sooner rather than later.”
You: “Tomorrow. Quick dinner. No fuss.”
Her: “Sounds great. I’ll bring the wine.”

See? Humor, honesty, humor, honesty. Repeat over coffee or tea.

Denise Stewart is a local writer, actor and business lady who loves her screen-writing group and drinks with twists.

 A social worker, a doctor, and an actor walk into a bar. 

This is not a joke. You know these people. They’re single. What do you do? Play it safe, inviting them to parties, vicariously watching as your friends navigate the first impression jitters and awkward small talk? Or, do you plug completely into your inner Cupid and make a match?

My advice is simple: Know the difference between matchmaker and puppetmaster, connect with how you felt when you wanted to meet someone and, in the end, remember it’s all about love. 

If you make a match, do it with the right intentions and know that you can’t control everything. In other words: Tread lightly and don’t overinvest. It’s not about you. I matchmade—once. It backfired. He really liked her and she, well…not so much. Our friendship took a hit because I inserted myself. There was some tension because, when it didn’t go past the first date, she was hesitant not only to reject him but also to feel like she was disappointing me. Dissecting it, I see the classic error on my part: I was trying to set her up with someone I wished I had dated—when I was 16! 

“I know a lot of really decent single people who find themselves at a loss for companionship,” says Jack from my office. Sure, you don’t want to go matching up your friends with losers or misogynists or addicts. Single status does not alone make a catch. The good ones, though, they shouldn’t get away, should they? Don’t you know someone cool you could set them up with? You picture them alone at night by the space heater eating bagel bites right out of the toaster oven. They need you, don’t they? 

If they need you, they’ll recruit you. It may go like this: “I want to meet somebody. I’m tired of just dating. I want to meet somebody who’s inter-ested in a long term relationship. I want a partner. I’m desperate. You have to help me find somebody!” You may hes-itate. “Whoa. Apply the practi-cal brakes. You probably want him/her to be tall and good-looking too, huh? How about rich with no baggage? You’ve got to lower your standards.” Then you watch your friend’s face melt. If you don’t believe that she can find the person of her dreams, then who will? Instead, be the sun: Radiate calm and encourage personal growth. 

If you think your main qualification for matchmaking is that you yourself are matched then you need to think twice. Recall your own singlehood. What helped you the most? Maybe you don’t need to set up as much as you need to build up, to acknowledge that being connected to your single friends, their freedom, their vulnerability and their con-nection to your “in-a-relation-ship” status is healthy for both of you. 

Still, helping people fall in love can be such a beautiful story. It can be well-plotted, satisfying, Shakespearean. Maybe you’ll make an introduction this week. Maybe you’ll ask someone out. Maybe you’ll stop med-dling and let the gods back in the machinery. Maybe you already know what to do.

Denise Stewart is a local writer, actor and business lady who loves her screen- writing group and drinks with twists.

 Recently, I overheard one woman ask a friend to help her recruit volunteers for the list of duties at her daughter’s swim club. 

“You need to make this a Google document.” 

“I don’t know anything about that.”

“I’ll help you.”

They sat on the same side of the table and the one friend who was good with e-mail and documents helped the one who was not. It was lovely. Indeed, it’s beautiful when you know what you need, and you know when you’re needed. When I was young, I knew Lisa was the best girl to go biking with. She wouldn’t be afraid of the bumpy trail that ran behind the school. On life’s buffet, Lisa is the granola, crumbled up and full of stuff that’s good for you. She’s over by the frozen yogurt machine. 

Permit me to put your friends on the buffet and group them—just as you might put all the desserts on the card table off to one side, so that when it’s time for dessert, your guests won’t miss the full array of choices from chocolate chips to coconut cake. Get yourself a clean plate and dig into your intuitive hunger for a variety of friends. 

Talents: These people have skills and expertise. You find their abilities uncommonly attractive. You mean it when you find yourself saying, “You’re amazing!” Not only do these friends have a little booth at the farmer’s market to showcase gourmet cupcakes, they also have major UVA donors in their cell phone. If “cool” was an elective in high school, these people would place out. It’s O.K. to ask their advice or their help. Let them dream with you about your next big idea because they can go there. They dream, too. They don’t invite you to concerts; they invite you to their concerts. They tend to have a strong sense of self, and they’re, you know, doing “their thing.” It’s inspirational. They are the salsa with the real roasted corn and the fresh cilantro and garlic and the homemade tortilla chips. So hip, so tasty!

Tenderness: You will cry with this person even when you think you’re not a crier. This is your crockpot maca-roni and cheese. This is not the back-slapping, marathon-running lady-warrior (no offense, roasted turkey). You can be vulnerable—totally—with this person. She’s got sticking power. I called my mac-n-cheese when my brother died. I was wailing, and her tenderness with me extended far back into the years. Because she had also grown up with my brother, I had nothing to explain. 

Time: Oh, blessed are the companions who will go on long walks with you. Do you remember who watched Beaches with you? This is your friend who will go all over the mall with you to find an outfit or a costume or for no particular reason at all. Time will fly with this person, but it’s O.K., and it’s easy, and you’ll make easy plans for next week with this, your cherry yum yum. Yes, she’s a throwback to church potlucks, and she’s going to be a great old lady, and she’ll have time to spend with you then, too. 

Truth: Wasn’t that an insightful question? No one has asked you that before. Beware—your truth crusader is going to give you “the look” when you speak aloud the delusions you’ve been playing on your mental iPod. She’ll let you trash someone, but she won’t let you go on and on. She might even say something like, “Open your eyes!” What a gift she is. She’s your plate of pickles, a little vinegar for proper digestion. Pickles are not for everyone, but then, the truth isn’t either, is it? You’ll find yourself calling her when you need a proper judge or critic or compass. 

Is it possible that you’ve got friends that are talented, tender, available and honest, all rolled into one delicious flavor? Of course. However, having an assortment of dishes gives you sweet and savory, great opportunities for connection and strength, humor and wisdom. That’s your network, your tapestry, your phone tree, your posse, your Sunday dinner. Call it what you will, but keep it strong and updated, fresh and tasty, and never forget what you signed up to bring!

Denise Stewart is a local writer, actor and business lady who loves her screenwriting group and drinks with twists.

 When I was in the second grade, the guidance counselor came around to our classroom and taught us the difference between “Warm Fuzzies” and “Cold Pricklies.” She held up pictures. They existed. They had eyeballs. She talked like they were things people gave you. Things like a feeling. Feelings exchanged back and forth like gifts, like toys. Toys that could make you cry. We were to understand that there was not only a temperature to relationships, but also a texture. Good friends left you with heat in your cheeks. Heat and softness beside you, like a Smurf right out of the oven. During the counselor’s talks, Rhonda Miller used to sit behind me, sucking her thumb with her right hand and twisting my hair with her left. I loved it. She gave me warm fuzzies. Thirty years later, I think “cold prickly” is a simple but accurate way to talk about the ice of a toxic friendship, and about the sting. The cartoon drawing of the Cold Prickly looked just like you think—a big, dry brown burr with sharp hooks—just like what falls from the tree and pays you back for running around barefoot. In the interest of making more merry about friendship, more light from the dark, I asked myself some questions:

1. Have you ever been a toxic friend?
Yes, I have spread gossip, judged, offered too much advice, lied about my whereabouts, coveted someone else’s partner/house/job/figure, misplaced or abused things I borrowed and competed.

2. Anything else?
Oh, yes, I’ve been over-sensitive, insensitive, too proud, needy and selfish.

3. Do you have any friends left?
Yes, tons.

4. What’s your secret to keeping friends?
Self-awareness and apologies. Nothing’s wrong with being wrong unless you
don’t have the moral fortitude to make it right. Nothing’s wrong with not keeping
a friend—moving on. Some people come along in your life to teach you about yourself. They prepare you for the next, bigger friendship.

5. Sometimes the success of my friends makes me question everything in my life and it throws me into a Level One Funk. I just want to be happy for her. Why does this happen?
Because sometimes the wave forgets that it is water and sometimes you forget that you are love. One wave wants to compete with the other wave, but it’s all the same water. Give yourself a break. It’s not always easy to take someone else’s good luck/good work/good notice and quickly, like a flash, turn it into shiny, happy, carrot-colored motivation
for you to aspire to and be inspired by. Come on. You’re at least as complicated as the weather. Feel it and then move on to some sunnier thoughts.

6.What’s the danger in never saying anything about what’s really bothering you?
Getting stuck in what you think she thinks, and even worse, what you think she thinks about what you think. Wow. If you’re getting tangled in projecting and guessing, it’s time to ask questions. Friendship is more like a thing with eyeballs and less like a trophy. It wants oxygen and water, and it doesn’t want to be collected. It hates to hear, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” It loves to hear, “You look frustrated. What’s going on?”

7. My friends get upset with me because I’m busy all the time. Why don’t they understand that when I’m not available, I’m just not available?
I know, you’re slammed with work. Me, too. I’m super-busy. 2010 is my 20th anniversary of being busy. Isn’t that cool? Cool like a Cold Prickly, my friend. Even when you’re really busy, and it’s really the truth, sometimes it’s you getting isolated from friends, and I bet you do have an hour. Remember that how you respond is like a thing you give to her, and she’ll have to determine the temperature and texture.

8. Is there anything else you would like to add?
Always. Invest in the Warm Fuzzies. Little love offerings are more than bumper sticker ideas. Who gives off heat and softness? Call her tonight. Who could use a card from you, a little bit of your ridiculous humor? Go to a concert with a friend and know that the touch of her arm beside yours is like the old days when you used to sit cross-legged on the floor at storytime and there was time for twisting hair and lessons about feelings.

Denise Stewart is a local writer, actor and business lady who loves her screenwriting group and drinks with twists.