Sex is like everything else in life—it has its ups and downs. Having seen countless couples over the years struggle to keep their sexual passion at unrealistically high levels, I was pleasantly surprised to see a new approach to sparking sexual desire hit shelves this year.
Enduring Desire: Your Guide to Lifelong Intimacy is different from most other self-
help books I’ve read. Instead of promising gold and green forests (as we say in Danish), it provides a realistic outlook on what to expect from your sexual desire as your relationship matures from passionate beginnings to the long-term.
| FOR MORE INFORMATION Check out Helen Fisher’s website, helenfisher.com, for a selection of articles and brief videos. Plus, read her scientifically based take on the anatomy of love and, in particular, long-term love. |
In the book, sex therapists Michael Metz and Barry McCarthy present their “Good-Enough Sex” (GES) model. They focus on being realistic about your expectations.
“To think you can have perfect sex every time in any circumstance is pure hype,” they write. “No one has a perfect sex life. Hype sets you up for self-defeating performance demands and disappointment… Sex provides a buffet of experiences: At times, sex is enthusiastic, cheerful, erotic, gratifying and at other times uninspiring.”
But having realistic expectations can only get you so far. Much of the rest is determined by brain chemistry. And recent research has shown that the most important sex organ is indeed located between your ears.
People taking common antidepressants such as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) know all too well that brain chemicals can easily interfere with your ability to have an orgasm. Not only sexual function, but even your ability to fall romantically in love can be negatively affected by those medications. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist, has done some fascinating research in this area.
She found that romantic love is a basic mating drive in every human. Unlike sex drive, which exposes you to a range of potential partners, romantic love helps you focus your mating energy on one individual.
And there is a specific brain region that is active when you fall in love, and remain in love with that person. This region is part of the “reptile core” of the brain, and is more primitive than our cognitive thinking process and emotions. And it is outside our conscious control.
Think of your brain as hardware and your conscious thinking as software. We can do little about our hardware, but once in a while it’s good to download a software update. And this is where Metz, McCarthy and their GES model come in.
First they give you some easy tools to assess your own attitudes and beliefs about sex. Then they educate you about the many different components (developmental, biological, psychological, relational and psychosexual) that affect your sexual health and satisfaction.
Based on this knowledge, the authors help you set up realistic goals for your sex life. Real lifecase studies help illustrate key points throughout the book.
Try to keep a positive view on things, especially at times when the sexual spark seems to be missing. Try to appreciate the fact that there will be a natural ebb and flow that should not cause you any panic. And try to have realistic expectations. Sometimes good enough is good enough.
Charlottesville’s Annette Owens, MD, Ph.D., is certified by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists. She has co-edited the four-volume book, Sexual Health (Praeger).