Should I go? Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters provokes the flight instinct
Now that it seems the impossible has happened—Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters is a movie that was produced and released—there are questions. Why? is just the first.
For example, is this movie a comedy? Horror? A—gasp!—drama? Why does Jeremy Renner play Hansel for laughs? Why does Gemma Arterton play Gretel straight, but occasionally for laughs? Why is Famke Janssen so, so, so serious? For that matter, why is she covered in hideous make-up for the most of the movie when she has such an exquisite face?
When Renner says, “I think the real damage was to my dignity,” was he talking about appearing in this film? Why is a troll the only character with whom we identify? Why is Peter Stormare wasted in such a tiny part? Why do some actors have accents while others sound like Kevin Costner in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves? Why do all movies with colons in the title suck? What’s with the lame recurring diabetes gag? Does anyone responsible for this script know what diabetes is?
Now the technical questions: Why is the 3D so bad? Why is the movie edited so fast-fast-fast when the 3D makes everything that much more difficult to see? Where is this movie’s color palette? Why is it so grimy? Why is every action scene exactly like the scene that precedes it?
Where did the guns come from? How is there a newspaper industry in this time and place? When is this time and where is this place? Why does this movie make rules just to break them? Why does a movie that’s 88 minutes long feel like 148 minutes?
I don’t think I’m spoiling anything for anyone—Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters is a terrible movie. It’s so bad, it’s kind of fun. Not this kind of fun: “Dude! Let’s get high and watch Hansel & Gretel!” It’s fun like having your small intestine pulled out your ear with tweezers is fun.
O.K. It’s not that bad. But—and I don’t mean to imply every child out there is gifted—any child who has ever lived and made up stories or an imaginary friend has done something more innovative, smart, and fun than Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters.
Whew! That’s a whole heapin’ helpin’ of piss and vinegar I threw on poor Hansel and Gretel. Here’s the strangest thing about the whole H & G experience, though: This movie, by far, is not the worst movie I’ve ever seen. It’s not even as bad as Les Miserables (no shit!).
But, my God, it’s bad. B-A-D. And what is its intended audience? It’s so incredibly bloody (not bad CGI blood, by the way) that it’s not for tweens, though they’ve seen worse. It can only possibly be for bored college students, but Hansel & Gretel can’t even be made fun of by the world’s best Mary Jane. (That’s a guess.) When it opens No. 1 at the box office, I’ll feel like an idiot. Until then, I hope Jeremy Renner’s fee bought him new dignity.
Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters/PG-13, 88 minutes/Regal Stonefield 14 and IMAX
Playing this week
Argo
Regal Downtown Mall 6
Broken City
Regal Stonefield 14 and IMAX
Django Unchained
Regal Stonefield 14 and IMAX
Finding Nemo 3D
Carmike Cinema 6
Flight
Carmike Cinema 6
Gangster Squad
Regal Stonefield 14 and IMAX
A Haunted House
Regal Stonefield 14 and IMAX
Hotel Transylvania
Carmike Cinema 6
The Hobbit: An
Unexpected Journey
Regal Stonefield 14 and IMAX
Hyde Park on Hudson
Regal Downtown Mall 6
The Impossible
Regal Downtown Mall 6
The Last Stand
Regal Stonefield 14 and IMAX
Les Miserables
Regal Stonefield 14 and IMAX
Life of Pi
Regal Downtown Mall 6
Lincoln
Regal Stonefield 14 and IMAX
The Master
Regal Downtown Mall 6
Mama
Regal Stonefield 14 and IMAX
Movie 43
Regal Stonefield 14 and IMAX
Parental Guidance
Regal Stonefield 14 and IMAX
Parker
Regal Stonefield 14 and IMAX
Quartet
Vinegar Hill Theatre
Red Dawn
Carmike Cinema 6
Rust and Bone
Regal Downtown Mall 6
Silver Linings Playbook
Regal Downtown Mall 6
Skyfall
Regal Downtown Mall 6
Wreck-It Ralph
Regal Stonefield 14 and IMAX
Zero Dark Thirty
Regal Stonefield 14 and IMAX
Movie houses
Carmike Cinema 6
973-4294
Regal Downtown
Mall Cinema 6
979-7669
Regal Stonefield 14
and IMAX
244-3213
Vinegar Hill Theatre
977-4911