What a rare pleasure it is to experience something that is truly, unmistakably awful. No, really; in an age where the knowing, ironic wink of an eye or a single act of ham-handed self deprecation is applauded even if the story is unwatchable, we have forgotten the cathartic joy that comes from watching an unambiguously terrible movie such as the Jennifer Lopez vehicle The Boy Next Door. From the made-for-TV flashback argument to the poor man’s Cape Fear-style psychotic behavior to the stunningly violent, idiotically predictable ending that resolves nothing, The Boy Next Door is twice as much fun as any action flick and will make you laugh harder than most comedies.
Director Rob Cohen (The Fast & The Furious) helms this story of a hunky young man, Noah (Ryan Guzman), who becomes obsessed with his high school teacher/next door neighbor, Claire (Jennifer Lopez). Beginning as charming eye candy then devolving into a misguided fling and ultimately ending up full-fledged nutso, Noah cannot take Claire’s rejection after she dismisses their (simultaneously graphic and horrific) night together as a moment of weakness on her part, and he begins the creeper tactics within minutes. Noah, it seems, is well-acquainted with all the familiar stalker stand-bys, everything from peeping to earning the sympathy of her family and more. To make matters worse, he’s enrolled in Claire’s classic literature class. It’s weird.
The other characters’ reaction to Noah is uneven, from neutral to terrified and back again, sometimes all within a single scene. No one ever calls the cops on Noah even after he commits violent, arrestable offenses in clear public view. Claire’s best friend (Kristin Chenoweth) is the vice principal who somehow thinks the best way to deal with a boy who just fractured another kid’s skull and shoved her to the ground is to call him into her office and reason with him. Then after he threatens her while using the worst words the English language has to offer, she expels him. Again, no cops. However, after seeing them in action—and how they neglect to investigate Claire about Noah’s parents’ death, when it’s clear she knows something—who can blame them for not calling?
Stunningly, this major motion picture cost $4 million to produce, which is what films like Interstellar typically spend on craft services. This fact raises the question of whether it was a knowing genre exercise on Cohen’s part, the challenge of making a ready-for-Lifetime thriller on a shoestring budget propelled by little more than J. Lo’s star power. Whether Cohen is playing a joke on all of us is unclear (this is, after all, the man who helmed The Fast & The Furious back when it tried and failed to be a legitimate cop drama), but there are at least a few people who know what they’re wrapped up in: Chenoweth and the team responsible for post-production sound effects. Every preposterous action is set up with an equally preposterous audio cue, from around-the-corner surprises to bizarre objects falling from the ceiling.
After all the strains in logic and odd production decisions have been milked for laughs, in truth, The Boy Next Door doesn’t do anything more for the obsessed stalker genre than shows like “Scandal” did for the political thriller by reducing it to the trashy gasps. Yes, it’s bad. That’s the only reason to watch it. If you’re the kind of person who enjoys eating Cheetos off of mom’s nice china or drinks champagne through a Twizzler, do not wait for The Boy Next Door to hit video because a beautiful disaster like this deserves to be taken in on the big screen.
Playing this week
American Sniper
Blackhat
Birdman
Cake
The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies
The Imitation Game
Into the Woods
Mortdecai
Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb
Paddington
Selma
Strange Magic
Taken 3
The Wedding Ringer
Regal Stonefield 14 and IMAX
244-3213
