Age 6 months: Finally sleeps through night.
Age 9 months: Stops sleeping through night.
Age 1: Finally sleeps through night. I mean, sometimes?
Age 1.5: Can eat all allergen foods. Wait, except peanuts. No, wait, do you now introduce those before 1? Gah.
Age 2: Potty trained. Just kidding.
Age 3: Preschool! Everyone in household comes down with cold that will last for next 10 years.
Age 4: Stops sucking thumb. Just kidding.
Age 5: Kindergarten! Even though you couldn’t wait, spend all of week one sobbing over baby pictures.
Age 6: Rides a bike. Or did that one time. Now scooters exclusively.
Age 7: Lies on floor every afternoon sobbing over math worksheet that would take six minutes to complete if they would actually do it. On the other hand: WHY DO THEY HAVE HOMEWORK.
Age 8: Wants a phone.
Age 9: Wants to read The Hunger Games, and
you let them because at least it’s not a phone.
Age 10: Can finally tie shoes. Not that they have ever before now had shoes that weren’t slip-ons.
Age 11: Middle school! Overnight they have B.O. and pimples.
Age 12: Suddenly actually really fun to watch their sports games.
Age 13: Teenager! Even though you couldn’t wait, spend all of week one sobbing over baby pictures.