I always knew I wanted to create a deeply satisfying relationship where I felt really understood by my partner. I was determined not to settle for less and knew it would take time to find it. But negotiating sex was one of the most challenging aspects of putting myself into the dating world over and over again.
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There are all different types of sex. Sometimes, there’s “get over your ex” sex, and there’s “it feels good now” sex, and “we’re in love” sex. It’s easy to think that all kinds of sex are “we’re in love” sex because initially, they feel exactly the same thanks to an army of hormones. Hormones that make you feel high, bond with your sex partner, and blind you to the reality of your mate.
Is it bad to mistake good sex for love, you ask? Yes, if it leads you to try and force a relationship to work even when it’s not right. But there’s a way to keep your head in the game when you’re in the hormone haze. Check out David Steele’s book Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life in Today’s World. He says knowing what you need in a relationship prior to going out on that date will help you clarify what’s going on.
To know what you need, start by identifying deal breakers from past relationships. Steele calls them “relationship requirements,” and you probably have between eight and 12 of them. They are so powerful that if one isn’t met, your relationship will eventually end. They range from things like “I want to feel heard and deeply understood by my partner” to “my partner and I must share the desire to have kids.” You have expectations about how your relationship should work. Writing them down makes it more likely they’ll be fulfilled.
Keep your requirements in mind when you’re feeling starry-eyed. Look for signs your date can create the type of relationship you want. If they can, they may be sponge worthy.
How do you slow down physical stuff when there’s a strong attraction? Be deliberate about it. Decide how long you want to know someone before having sex. Have dates during daytime hours, drive yourself to dates and don’t spend time in each other’s homes, which can lead to prolonged makeout sessions. Limit the length of dates and don’t see each other every day. Get out of their force field and check in with your gut to see if their words and actions match. Tell your friends about your date and get their perspective. If you leave something out in your description, that’s a red flag.
“But that’s no fun,” you say. Yes, but more time not having sex means more time to gather info to see if you’re a real match, which in turn means lasting desire and attraction. It’s like choosing to eat at the Ivy Inn rather than McDonald’s. You spend more, but get a high quality experience that is good for you on multiple levels. Eat local, anyone?
Marya Choby is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Dating Coach in Charlottesville (www.maryachoby.com) who helps singles navigate the world of dating and find love.