When my sisters and I were kids, we had a favorite ritual with our babysitter. We’d set our old kitchen table with a lace tablecloth, pull out the fine candlesticks and put our boxed Kraft Macaroni and Cheese into a crystal serving bowl. Classical music played on my dad’s record player and we felt like princesses eating a five-course meal. But it was more than the atmosphere that made it special. It was our innocent mindset that made the difference. We were completely absorbed in the moment, and never once did we say, “Something’s missing.” We felt like we had everything we needed. Our powdered-cheese covered noodles never tasted better.
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As a single, I unconsciously carried on the tradition of the fancy meals. But this time it was only me at the table. With some music I loved, a book of poetry, maybe a glass of wine, and a simple meal, I tapped into the feeling that my life was complete and good. Valentine’s Day spent alone never brought on loneliness, since I knew how to create this feeling of satisfaction.
What the Zen practitioners call “beginner’s mind” is my way into contentment. Slowing down to fully experience something as if encountering it for the first time—nowhere to go, nowhere to be, nothing to do, just living totally in the moment. As a child, I remember lying in the family room, a big leather chair supporting me as I looked up at our stained glass chandelier. I just stared at it, taking in every nook and cranny, every color and every nuance. Soon enough I was thinking to myself, “Have I ever really seen this before? Is this really the same old light fixture that’s been here every day of my life?” Beautiful.
When my clients are dreading being alone on Valentine’s Day, I challenge them to use this strategy to have a good day. When you’re present, you’re not walking down memory lane reliving a broken heart or projecting fears about being unlovable or damaged onto the future. There’s no self-consciousness or self-doubt. You find the truth, which is that all is well, and that not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t make you a loser.
You get to choose how you feel. If this approach doesn’t work for you, try exercising, or reframing your thoughts, since thoughts lead to feelings. Do whatever you can to make happiness your constant companion. Not only is it very attractive, but when you have everything you need, you can look for someone to complement your life, and not for a reason to live.