When I saw the movie He’s Just Not That Into You on opening weekend, I wasn’t prepared for the packs of women filling the theater. The best-selling book by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo obviously has a following, but many women question the advice it offers. When you read the author’s instructions that women should sit on their hands and wait to be asked out as a way to find out if he really likes you, you wonder if you’ve stepped back into the dating dark ages.
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Three step deprogram: The hit movie He’s Just Not That Into You is based on the best-selling book, which is based on male-centered advice that doesn’t help women reconnect with their own wisdom. |
Part of the book’s intrigue is its promise to let you peek inside the head of the commitment-phobic man. If you read it, it’s likely because you want to pull your hand from a hot burner and move on to a relationship with real promise. What you’ll find in it is some “common sense” that you could have come up with yourself in five minutes: a list of signs that your love interest isn’t interested. Basically, it comes down to whether he’s taking action to be with you exclusively.
Taking action yourself and moving away from the flame is the next hurdle. The “I get it” testimonials from women in the book lead you to believe that remembering Behrendt’s phrase “he’s not that into you” will automatically get you unhooked from an emotional dating situation. As a dating coach, I’m not so sure. Dating is a roller-coaster ride for women. Deep down, we worry time is running out and that all the good ones are taken. When we meet a single man, we feel relief and excitement, which catapults us forward into a “girlfriend” mindset. We fantasize and get so future-focused that we ignore the writing on the wall until after we’re emotionally hooked.
I appreciate the book’s attempt to challenge the illusion that love and connection will conquer all our relationship problems. But because we’ve already lost touch with the truth, it doesn’t make sense to me that, as women, we should trust Behrendt’s male perspective rather than try to reconnect with our own wisdom. When you notice you’re analyzing every move, it’s time to get real. Write down your fantasy: “He’ll want to marry me, even though he’s broken up with me four times and we’re not together now.” Write out the facts and be brutally honest: “He doesn’t include me in future plans, he ends it when we have problems.” Make it your mission to develop a strong bullshit meter. Your future happiness depends on being able to step away from the steaming pile.
When you’re holding onto the wrong guy, you’re choosing the dead end, likely for fear that no one else will want you. Behrendt and I agree on one point: “The only way you can find out that there’s something better out there is to first believe that there’s something better out there.” Your time will come, and it will be right on every level—completely void of the funk.