A client recently went on a blind date. When I asked her how it was, she replied, “He paid for me.” Implying he must be interested. She’s a modern woman who doesn’t want a traditional relationship where the man handles the finances but, as is true for most women, she believes that if he’s interested he’ll pay.
Traditionally, men picked up the check because women didn’t have a source of income. Now she may earn more than him so it makes sense there’d be confusion when it comes time to ante up. Anything goes; there are no set rules for dating anymore. Women ask men out and make the first move now. Then there are the additional worries to wade through: “If he pays, I’ll owe him something.” “If I don’t pay, she’ll think I’m cheap.”
When it comes to paying, there’s got to be a compromise that acknowledges the fact that women still associate paying with a sign of interest, while setting a precedent for reciprocity in the relationship and respect for the man’s wallet. Here’s what I tell my clients:
Men: If you’re interested, you have to offer to pay on at least the first few dates. Even if you want a modern woman who wants an equal relationship, expect to pay. Yes, even if she asks you out and you’re not that interested, you still have to offer. See it as an opportunity to create good dating karma.
Women: When he reaches for the bill, offer to pay for drinks or dessert. Say, “Hey, will you let me contribute and pay for our drinks?” If he says no, just accept his generosity. As you enjoy your after dinner mint, make sure to be grateful. I’m not saying you owe him a lip lock in the parking lot. A simple, genuine thank you will suffice.
Men: When she offers to pay part, expect that she’s not playing games, that it’s not a trick question. If you’d like her to pay for drinks, let her. If not, let her know you appreciate the gesture and say “how about next time, you can get drinks.”
Women are notorious for doing an in-depth post date analysis to try to figure out exactly where things stand. My advice? Don’t. You won’t discover what it really meant when he let you get drinks. You merely invite your inner critic to point out that you had spinach in your teeth the entire night. Let it go, breathe through your vulnerability, and get back to creating a life you really love.