Author: eric-rezsnyak

“The Amazing Race: All Stars”
Sunday 8pm, CBS

I’m generally against “all-star” seasons for reality shows. As seen on “Survivor,” the contestants are typically so changed by their previous experiences that there’s almost nothing “real” left, just blatant posturing for the camera. But I’ll make an exception for my beloved “Race”—this is a kick-ass idea. Eleven teams from the previous 10 seasons run around the world once again. There are some obvious picks—Season 1 “villains” Team Guido, Season 5 cousins Charla & Mirna, Season 7/“Survivor” couple Rob & Amber—and the welcome return of some underdogs, like Season 1 hams Kevin & Drew, adorable Season 3 couple Jon Vito & Jill, and Season 2’s delightful Team Cha-Cha-Cha. Season 7’s Uchenna & Joyce are the only winners to return. If I had to guess, the first team to go will either be Season 10 sweethearts David & Mary or the only new team, Eric & Danielle (an amalgam of Season 9’s hot guy/hot chick teams, but featuring the weakest links from both).

“Reba”
Sunday 7:30pm, CW

Reba McEntire’s eponymous sitcom is put out of its misery with two back-to-back episodes. Truth is, “Reba” isn’t a bad show. You could do a lot worse for standard sitcom fare (ahem “According to Jim” ahem), and McEntire herself is actually a pretty solid actress with decent comic chops. But The CW had no intention of picking up the show when it absorbed “Reba”’s old network, The WB, despite its comparatively strong ratings. Problem is, WB had already signed a contract for Season 6, and so here you have its last gasps. Now maybe we can get Reba back out on the road where she belongs.

“What About Brian”
Monday 10pm, ABC

With J.J. “Lost” Abrams’ romantic dramedy continuing to struggle in its second season, the producers have turned to Kelly Kapowski for help. Tiffani (no Amber) Thiessen joins the cast tonight as a potential new love interest for the titular character, played by moderately charming Barry Watson (“7th Heaven”). I’m a big fan of Thiessen—I even liked her as anti-Brenda Val on “90210”—but she’s no Heather Locklear, and I doubt she can prove the draw the execs clearly would like her to have. She’s actually the latest entry to the ladies round-robin the show has kind of turned into, as the girl at the center of the series’ central love triangle recently left the cast and last week saw the addition of former wrestler/“Dancing with the Stars” competitor Stacy Keibler.

“Lost”
Wednesday 10pm, ABC

Delight, Losties, as starting tonight you get a whopping 16 episodes straight, no repeats, to finish out Season 3. Since the producers have started talks with ABC regarding when and how to wrap up the sprawling series, hopefully we’ll start getting some traction on a couple of the lingering plotlines. Some things we know for sure: Somebody else is dying by season’s end; Juliet, one of The Others, will play a critical role in the escape of Jack, Kate and Sawyer; crazy Desmond turns up after seemingly getting blown up in last season’s finale; and look for more flashbacks featuring Sawyer’s baby momma and the introduction of GoFugYourself.com staple Bai Ling. Hopefully she dresses appropriately for the occasion.

“Ugly Betty”
Thursday 8pm, ABC

It’s always nice when a good show gives you a good shock. A mystery has been building throughout this sprightly comedy’s inaugural season over the identity of the bandaged woman Wilhelmina (the awesome Vanessa Williams) has been hiding from the world. Clues had deliberately pointed us toward the former editor of the series’ central fashion mag, who supposedly died just prior to the start of the story. But a few weeks ago the mystery figure was revealed to be Alexis —formerly known as Alex —the sex-changed brother-turned-sister of Daniel, our heroine’s boss. Best of all: She’s played by Rebecca Romijn! Love it. In the coming weeks look for guest stars Jerry O’Connell (Romijn’s real-life bf), “Project Runway”’s Tim Gunn, and the underused Lucy Liu.

Sarah Silverman: Jesus is Magic
Friday 10pm, Showtime

Last week I stupidly forgot to plug Silverman’s new Comedy Central show, which airs Thursdays at 10:30pm. I make amends this week by mentioning both “The Sarah Silverman Program” and this 2005 flick, which premieres tonight on Showtime. You might recognize Silverman from her interviews in The Aristocrats, and if so, then you know she’s a filthy, filthy comic indeed. And I love her for it. This film is part comedy concert, part song-and-dance sketch show. None of it is for the easily offended, as she cracks wise on her Judaism, eating disorders, sex, Jesus, and even AIDS. Yes. An AIDS joke. And it’s actually hysterically funny. Now that’s magic.—Eric Rezsnyak

“Top Design”
Wednesday 11pm, Bravo

First, let me just say: Did not see that coming. I’m referring to the finale of “Top Chef,” which precedes the debut of this new Bravo realty/talent competition. I had pegged either Sam or Elia as the winner pretty early on, and the fact that it’s Ilan vs. Marcel for the title is blowing my mind. I don’t like either of them, and if I can’t root for a winner, what’s the point? Anyway, following “Top Chef” you’ll have “Top Design,” which further burgles from the “Project Runway” format, this time focusing on the world of interior design. I’m not sure how exciting it’ll be to see people picking out chaise lounges or backstabbing each other for that last Tiffany sconce, but it’s probably worth at least one viewing. Based solely on snap judgments, I’m calling young and smug Michael and older and smug John as the people we’ll most likely come to love to hate.

“Super Bowl XLI”
Sunday 6:25pm, CBS

So, you know the drill: Indianapolis Colts, Chicago Bears, Peyton Manning’s got a bum thumb, blah blah blah. What you really care about are the commercials. This year expect a lot of viewer-generated commercials, which is kind of gross —average Joes are basically making millions for ad men doing approximately nothing. Web company GoDaddy has now had two different spots rejected for fear of offending the masses. And Fed-Ex, the Britney Spears sperm donor formerly known as K-Fed, has sparked the ire of fast food workers across the country for his insurance spot in which he dreams of being a music star rather than a lowly burger flipper. Sometimes I long for the days of beer-loving frogs. Prince handles the half-time show, and that’s pretty boss.

“Criminal Minds”
Sunday post-Super Bowl, CBS

The Beek! Is! Back! That’s right, Dawson Leery has been let out of cold storage for one night only, as James van der Beek guest stars on this surprisingly popular CBS procedural. Perhaps it’s the undeniable lure of Mandy “Battleship” Patinkin, but what should have been just another derivative criminal profiling show has actually been rivaling “Lost”’s ratings for most of the season. Seeing how past post-Super Bowl episodes have given major boosts to buzz shows like “Grey’s Anatomy,” CBS wisely signed up the surging sophomore series for a special episode featuring a Super Bowl party murder that somehow involves The Beek as “a troubled young man” (per the network). Great casting, since anyone who managed to sit through the entire run of “Dawson’s Creek” knows that if anybody’s got troubles, it’s The Beek.—

“Dirt”
Tuesday 10pm, F/X

Critics have savaged this new F/X drama based on the seedy underbelly of Hollywood tabloids. The subject matter is pitch black, with pregnant starlets ODing, schizophrenic photogs maiming themselves to get a prize shot, and rap moguls beheading greedy performers. But if, like me, you occasionally enjoy wallowing in the worst humanity has to offer, it’s satisfying in an over-the-top way. Plus, I’d forgotten how fantastic series producer/star Courteney Cox can be when she tries her hand at drama. She makes editrix Lucy Spiller both admirably ambitious and reproachfully soulless. My kinda lady. The scripts definitely need work, but it’s got an original premise and Cox’s star power behind it, so here’s hoping. Also, look for “Friends” co-star/professional doormat Jennifer Aniston to make an appearance in March.

“Men in Trees”
Thursday 10pm, ABC

In my fall TV preview I completely dismissed this Anne Heche dramedy as a hokey fiasco, an ill-conceived mash-up of “Northern Exposure” and “Sex and the City.” And it is. But damned if the Artist Formerly Known as Celestia doesn’t make it work. Heche plays Marin Frist, a big-city relationship guru who relocates to a quirky, male-dominated town in Alaska after discovering that her fiancé was screwing around. Now Marin doles out advice to the town’s lovelorn burlymen while realizing that she knows nothing about guys herself. It’s total chick lit BS, and that makes it a perfect counterpoint to lead-in “Grey’s Anatomy.” Plus, Justine Bateman has just come on as the pregnant ex of Marin’s studly love interest, and I just cannot say no to a Bateman.

“I Love New York”
Monday 9pm, VH1

When VH1 first announced this distaff spinoff of dating show “Flavor of Love,” I wondered: How will they make a crazy bitch like New York likable? Answer: They didn’t, and for that I am eternally grateful. The network made ratings hay by having has-been rapper Flavor Flav dump and humiliate the woman on national TV. Twice. Now the suits have given New York 20 bachelors to pick from in the hopes of finding true love. But she remains the H.B.I.C. (Head Bitch in Charge), and three episodes in I’m still confused as to why any of these men legitimately would want to date her. Pretty, yes. Emasculating and unhinged, absolutely. But most of these guys aren’t prizes, either. Aside from personal faves Rico, Tango and 12 Pack (oh, 12 Pack…), she’s got some straight-up losers to pick from, including thuggerific front-runner Chance. Listen to your mother for once, girl! She might be even nuttier than you, but she’s dead on with that sucker.

“American Idol”
Tuesday 8pm, Fox

I literally spit in disgust when I think about how Taylor f’ing Hicks actually won last season’s “American Idol” competition. I mean, come on, people! I gave y’all a lot more credit than that. But I guess this is how things like Urkel or Jessica Simpson happen. Now is your chance to right your wrongs. It’s a new season. The rules remain completely unchanged. Paula will, undoubtedly, be drunk and/or frisky. And thousands of moderately talented souls are desperate for your attention and approval. Please, America, take your job seriously this time. Pick someone with at least a legitimate shot at sustainable fame; someone whose disc won’t make you shudder in embarrassment when you come across it in your CD tower five years from now. I’m only looking out for your best interests.

“Psych”
Friday 10pm, USA

This plucky detective show returns for Season 2 after a successful run last summer. The show stars the adorable James Roday as Shawn Spencer, the son of a cop (played by Corbin Bernsen, who really hasn’t aged well since “L.A. Law”) who now works as a psychic consultant to his local police department. Thing is, Shawn isn’t psychic—he’s just very perceptive, and a fantastic bullshitter with a bit of a prankster streak in him. He helps solve crimes with the assistance of his straight-laced pal Gus (Dule Hill, acquitting himself nicely post-“West Wing”). If you like the humor-laced crime drama of fellow USA hit “Monk,” give “Psych” a try.

“Ocean’s Deadliest/Steve Irwin Tribute”
Sunday 8pm, Discovery Channel

When Steve Irwin was killed by a stingray last September, I felt about the incident much like I feel when a NASCAR driver dies in a racetrack collision: Sure, it’s sad—but brother kind of had it coming. You spend your life taunting crocodiles and snakes, chances are you’re going to end up a snack for some member of the wild kingdom. Still, Irwin was a crusading environmentalist, and for that he will be missed. Tonight Discovery debuts the special he was working on when he died (no footage from the day of the accident is included), in which Irwin and Philippe Cousteau (Jacques’ grandson) document some of the scary-ass animals living in the waters between Australia’s Gold Coast and the Great Barrier Reef. It’s followed by a 30-minute tribute to the man who launched a million “Crikey!”s.

“Armed & Famous”
Wednesday 8pm, CBS

And so it’s come to this. Five washed-up celebs are trained and sworn in as police officers to serve and protect the people of Muncie, Indiana. Not kidding. The “famous” people involved are: “The Osbournes”’ Jack Osbourne; pro wrestler Trish Stratus; Wee Man from “Jackass”; La Toya “no longer the craziest one” Jackson; and, in a case of life imitating art, “CHiPs”’ Erik Estrada totally getting his Ponch on. I have no objection to reality TV producers exploiting the desperation of fame whores, but it’s a little messed up that they’re subjecting an actual police force in an actual town to this type of buffoonery. That said, if I get to watch La Toya Jackson get tazered, I am so in.

“Nashville Star”
Thursday 10pm, USA

For all you haters who argue that “American Idol” contestants lack real musical ability, consider USA’s country-fried talent competition. The fifth season begins tonight, with 10 new contestants who both sing and play songs—no glorified karaoke here. Cowboy Troy returns as co-host, joined this time by Jewel, who replaces past co-hosts LeAnn Rimes and Wynonna. That’s right, Jewel—the alt-folky Lilith Fair staple who sold her creative soul by going dance pop for five seconds and has been scrambling to salvage her wreck of a career ever since. But country? Mmm, no. Perhaps our budding country stars to be can take a few notes on how not to biff the music biz thing.

“Rome”
Sunday 9pm, HBO

This show totally took me by surprise. I expected an interesting historical drama and got that plus the juiciest nighttime soap since “Melrose Place.” I should have known—nobody does lying, manipulating and backstabbing like the ancient Romans. Quite literally on that last count, as we saw at the end of Season 1 with the offing of Julius Caesar. Now in Season 2, we can look forward to more of the charming, yet petulant Mark Antony; more delicious bitchery from Atia and Servilia (seriously; Joan Collins, eat your heart out); the puppet Octavian’s rise to power; and much more of a little lady named Cleopatra.

“Grease: You’re the One That I Want”
Sunday 8pm, NBC

The producers of “Dancing With the Stars” and the folks behind this summer’s Broadway Grease revival unite for this talent competition, in which America chooses the new Sandy and Danny from a legion of musical theater nerds. I’m a little wary. The hosts are “Access Hollywood” android Billy Bush and Brit TV personality Denise Van Outen, and the preview features Van Outen and some hoochies performing a dance club mix of “Look at Me, I’m Sandra Dee” while prancing about in black panties and bras. That’s…not Grease. But the co-writer of the original musical is on board as a judge, so they can’t bastardize it too bad, I guess. Dare we hope for cameos by Olivia Newton-John or Stockard Channing? (Forget Travolta; he’s dead to me. Again.)

“The L Word”
Sunday 10pm, Showtime

The fourth season of Showtime’s Sapphic soap starts with some major cast shake-ups. Gorgeous Sarah Shahi is out by episode four (BOO!), and rumor has it one of the original gals might be getting the ax by midseason. The void will be filled by five new cast members: Marlee Matlin as an artist/love interest for Bette (Jennifer Beals, still smokin’ hot); a new Latina character called Papi, who apparently gets around more than old-school Shane; some girl named Tasha I know nothing about; Kristanna Loken (Terminator 3) as a PTA mom gone girl crazy; and Cybill Shepherd as an older woman who puts the moves on
Alice. Dramarama!

“The Surreal Life Fame Games”
Sunday 9pm, VH1

Basically the “Real World/Road Rules Challenge” for washed-up celebs. Ten former “Surreal Life” cast members compete in grueling and, I’m sure, humiliating tasks. One by one they get picked off until only one wannabe remains to take home a $100,000 cash prize. The line-up includes ex-wrestler Chyna Doll, Emmanuel Lewis (the artist formerly known as Webster), porn stars Ron Jeremy and Andrea Lowell, musicians Pepa of Salt-N-Pepa and C.C. DeVille from Poison (both are really too good for this), Vanilla Ice, “Baywatch” babe Traci Bingham, and major crazy Brigitte Nielsen. Robin Leach hosts. Of course.

“Home for the Holidays”
Friday 8pm, CBS

Even in death Dave Thomas is making the world a better place. I’m not talking about Wendy’s’ Jalapeno Cheddar Double Melt or the Vanilla Frosty (although, now that I think about it, those count too). This special is sponsored by the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption, which Thomas—an adoptee himself—founded in 1992 to raise awareness of the more than 100,000 American children awaiting adoptive families. Hard to think of a more worthwhile cause, especially at this time of year.
If the heart-tugging doesn’t pull your remote, perhaps you’ll be tempted
by performances from Rod Stewart, John Legend, Five for Fighting, and
the woman who should have been your 2006 American Idol, Katharine McPhee. The Dave Thomas Foundation clearly splurged on the music budget, because, aside from the luminous Rene Russo, the celeb hosts are a pretty paltry lot, including Melina Kanakaredes, Angie Harmon, Cedric the Enter-tainer, and walking mannequin Jeri Ryan.

It’s a Wonderful Life
Sunday 8pm, NBC

NBC does its part to reduce the national Christmas Eve suicide rate by airing the saccharine holiday chestnut right when the severely depressed need it most. In an effort to make the flick more palatable to us hipster Gen X-ers, here’s some fun Wonderful Life trivia from the fine folks at the Internet Movie Database: When the film was first released in 1946, the FBI labeled it as politically subversive with Communist undertones; the film was initially supposed to star Cary Grant instead of Jimmy Stewart; Vincent Price was reportedly up for the role of Mr. Potter; and Dorothy Parker contributed to the screenplay. Now you know, and knowing is half the battle.

“Kennedy Center Honors”
Tuesday, 12/26, 9pm, CBS

After this ceremony originally took place December 3, celeb gossip rags were all atwitter with stories about professional bimbo Jessica Simpson freaking out during her tribute to Dolly Parton. She reportedly broke into tears and ran off stage after totally flubbing the words to “9 to 5.” (And seriously, Dolly deserves so much better than Jessica goddamn Simpson.) I am sad to report that you will not see that in this TV special. The producers had Simpson re-do her song after the ceremony ended and will cut and paste it with random audience reaction shots from throughout the night. Freaking weak. Anyway, the other national treasures getting props include Steven Spielberg, Smokey Robinson, Andrew Lloyd Webber, and conductor Zubin Mehta, who seems kind of outclassed. Just saying.

“The Lost Room”
Tuesday 7pm, Sci Fi Channel

Look at little Sci Fi go! A couple of years ago, the cable net was a dumping ground for “Stargate” repeats and crappy made-for-TV movies starring, like, Kari Wuhrer. Now thanks to cult hits like “Battlestar Galactica” and “Who Wants to Be a Super-Hero?” it’s getting some cred and has netted a fairly impressive cast for this new mini-series (the first two parts air back-to-back tonight). Peter Krause (“Six Feet Under”) plays a police detective investigating a murder that leads to a mysterious hotel room. After his daughter disappears inside the room, he teams with Julianna Margulies (“E.R.”, Snakes on a Plane), who plays the sister of a man murdered for his knowledge of the room and its contents—ordinary objects now imbued with fantastic powers. We’re talking combs that stop time and reality-warping scissors. It’s all very trippy and convoluted, but it beats yet another holiday-themed episode of a lame sitcom.

“Next Top Model: The British Invasion”
Wednesday 8pm, CW

Tyra Banks plays Santy Claus this year, delivering more “Top Model” goodness even after cycle 7 has come to a close (and let me just say: Yay, CariDee! Take that, psoriasis). To further entertain all the catty little girls and boys, la Banks has taken the first two seasons of the British spin-off of her televised modeling competition and fashioned them into two two-hour specials that zip us from a dozen wannabe catwalkers to a top model in a mere 120 minutes. (Season 1’s recap airs tonight; season 2, next Wednesday.) The girls generally aren’t as pretty as their American counterparts, but bitchery knows no continental bounds. Plus, sobs and insults sound better with an English accent, anyway.

“Best Year Ever”
Friday 11pm, VH1

Now that Esquire’s Dubious Achievement Awards have become a shadow of what they once were, we’ve really no choice but to turn to the snarky recappers at VH1’s “Best Week Ever” for our mean-spirited end-of-the-year fun. Among the topics sure to be covered in this special 2006 recap: Dick Cheney, “Firecrotch,” Taylor freaking Hicks, Kazakhstan, Hollywood’s African adoption craze, “Sugar Tits,” Suri Cruise, Star Jones (please let them show the footage of her getting knocked out by a football again…), Pluto, K-Fed, “If I Did It, Here’s How it Happened,” Nancy Pelosi, Lance Bass and Saddam Hussein. Wow, there’s an odd couple for ya…