Author: marya-choby

“What’s wrong with me that I’m not attracted to this great guy?” Ann was beating herself up. She’d been on a few dates with Pete. Both vegetarians, they met through mutual friends. With similar views on life, politics, and spirituality she had no desire to kiss him. “Do you think I’ll grow to be attracted to him?” My response: “Maybe, maybe not.”

Chemistry is a complex beast. In the early intoxication stage of dating, it’s easy to mistake hormones for lasting chemistry.  Feeling good makes you jump into a commitment before you know each other. Dreams of having a future together carry you along for one or two years. Then the power-struggle phase rears its ugly head, magnifying your mate’s flaws and slamming the brakes on the love fest.

True lasting chemistry comes from physical, emotional, and other forms of chemistry combined. Physical attraction needs no explanation. But no relationship will last without emotional chemistry, which leads you to “get” each other and feel safe to be yourselves. You can’t have true intimacy without it.

Intellectual chemistry and spiritual chemistry are the book ends of a great relationship. Intellectual chemistry adds spice to any bond. Love how the other person’s mind works and he’ll be a constant source of fascination. Whether you share common religious beliefs or just similar core values, spiritual chemistry will help you create a life that matters on a deeper level. Find symmetry on these levels, and likely he’ll seem sexier than ever. But sometimes there’s something bigger blocking a spark.

When Ann contacted me she was ready to settle down and wondered why she couldn’t. She’d wasted time on unavailable guys and thought she’d change the pattern with Pete. When the chemistry wasn’t there she started beating herself up: “Am I destined to be attracted to guys who aren’t good for me? What’s wrong with me?”

Whether you’re always attracted to unavailable guys or you’re never attracted to the good ones, the result remains the same: You can continue to avoid true intimacy. Unconsciously you may try to block it for fear your imperfections will be exposed. Feelings of being unlovable or not being good enough may drive your dating choices.

This is a tricky pattern to identify on your own. Engage the help of an objective outsider like a therapist or dating coach. A therapist will explore the root of your fears and guide you to change thought patterns that make you shy away. A dating coach will teach tools to increase confidence, hone intimacy skills, and release the voice of self-doubt that sabotages getting closer.

We’re conditioned to think that true love will just happen. Nothing is effortless. We train for a career, to drive and to play tennis. Why wouldn’t we need guidance to learn how to find love?

The most memorable dates I’ve been on always involved a cool experience like going to First Fridays, riding bikes, stargazing on Afton Mountain, or taking an evening walk in the UVA gardens. With the economy in the toilet, you probably want to spend less, yet you may fear you won’t make a good impression. But I’m here to tell you, you can create an impact without breaking your wallet. Skip dinner and a movie and try to discover a way to connect that’s more meaningful.

Each person has a unique way of finding true happiness. Consider planning an activity around yours. Do free stargazing at the McCormick Observatory Public Nights on the first and third Fridays of each month. Enjoy the UVA Jazz Ensemble for $10 a person and hit the Corner for a glass of wine. Pick-up Bodo’s for a picnic and Frisbee golf at Walnut Creek Park. When you share your passions you’re in your element, and that is very attractive. And if you and your date find joy in the same things, that’s golden.

Use your knowledge of her to handcraft a date that shows you’ve been listening. My husband and I went hiking at Turk Mountain on our first date. At the time, I was studying at the Institute for Integrative Nutrition and was experimenting with different ways of eating. For our picnic he made a totally macrobiotic meal. Not only was I completely amazed, I discovered he shared my interest in health and nutrition. I had no idea he spent only $5 on our lunch, nor did it matter. I was overwhelmed by his thoughtfulness.

But it’s not so simple to skip the $65 dinner date, you say? Dinner says you want a greater level of intimacy. If you’re into her, you’ve got to share an evening meal by the third outing.  You figure, a slice of pizza or dumplings don’t count. Cooking her favorite foods or a family recipe is a good alternative. When she offers to bring something, trust that she’s not playing games and really wants to. Let her get a bottle of her favorite wine.

No matter how much you impress her with your attentiveness and creativity, money is still a big deal. There are as many views on it as people. Some equate cash to prestige, acceptance, love, stability or freedom. Others prefer a mate who makes less but has more free time. Whatever your views, you need a mate who’s in sync. To find out if you are, speak up if you feel financial strain from dates. Don’t brush it under the rug. First, let her know you have fun with her no matter what. Then say, “I wonder if we could find ways to spend time together that are low cost.” Brainstorm until you find a solution that works for both of you. Get stuck and you may not be a fit. If that’s the case, remember there are plenty of women that prefer a man with a fulfilling career and big dreams over a man that’s miserable with a big paycheck.

When I saw the movie He’s Just Not That Into You on opening weekend, I wasn’t prepared for the packs of women filling the theater.  The best-selling book by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo obviously has a following, but many women question the advice it offers.  When you read the author’s instructions that women should sit on their hands and wait to be asked out as a way to find out if he really likes you, you wonder if you’ve stepped back into the dating dark ages. 
 

Part of the book’s intrigue is its promise to let you peek inside the head of the commitment-phobic man. If you read it, it’s likely because you want to pull your hand from a hot burner and move on to a relationship with real promise. What you’ll find in it is some “common sense” that you could have come up with yourself in five minutes: a list of signs that your love interest isn’t interested.  Basically, it comes down to whether he’s taking action to be with you exclusively.

Taking action yourself and moving away from the flame is the next hurdle. The “I get it” testimonials from women in the book lead you to believe that remembering Behrendt’s phrase “he’s not that into you” will automatically get you unhooked from an emotional dating situation. As a dating coach, I’m not so sure. Dating is a roller-coaster ride for women. Deep down, we worry time is running out and that all the good ones are taken. When we meet a single man, we feel relief and excitement, which catapults us forward into a “girlfriend” mindset. We fantasize and get so future-focused that we ignore the writing on the wall until after we’re emotionally hooked.

I appreciate the book’s attempt to challenge the illusion that love and connection will conquer all our relationship problems. But because we’ve already lost touch with the truth, it doesn’t make sense to me that, as women, we should trust Behrendt’s male perspective rather than try to reconnect with our own wisdom. When you notice you’re analyzing every move, it’s time to get real. Write down your fantasy: “He’ll want to marry me, even though he’s broken up with me four times and we’re not together now.” Write out the facts and be brutally honest: “He doesn’t include me in future plans, he ends it when we have problems.” Make it your mission to develop a strong bullshit meter. Your future happiness depends on being able to step away from the steaming pile.
 
When you’re holding onto the wrong guy, you’re choosing the dead end, likely for fear that no one else will want you. Behrendt and I agree on one point: “The only way you can find out that there’s something better out there is to first believe that there’s something better out there.” Your time will come, and it will be right on every level—completely void of the funk.

When my sisters and I were kids, we had a favorite ritual with our babysitter. We’d set our old kitchen table with a lace tablecloth, pull out the fine candlesticks and put our boxed Kraft Macaroni and Cheese into a crystal serving bowl. Classical music played on my dad’s record player and we felt like princesses eating a five-course meal. But it was more than the atmosphere that made it special. It was our innocent mindset that made the difference. We were completely absorbed in the moment, and never once did we say, “Something’s missing.” We felt like we had everything we needed. Our powdered-cheese covered noodles never tasted better.

As a single, I unconsciously carried on the tradition of the fancy meals. But this time it was only me at the table. With some music I loved, a book of poetry, maybe a glass of wine, and a simple meal, I tapped into the feeling that my life was complete and good. Valentine’s Day spent alone never brought on loneliness, since I knew how to create this feeling of satisfaction.

What the Zen practitioners call “beginner’s mind” is my way into contentment. Slowing down to fully experience something as if encountering it for the first time—nowhere to go, nowhere to be, nothing to do, just living totally in the moment. As a child, I remember lying in the family room, a big leather chair supporting me as I looked up at our stained glass chandelier. I just stared at it, taking in every nook and cranny, every color and every nuance. Soon enough I was thinking to myself, “Have I ever really seen this before? Is this really the same old light fixture that’s been here every day of my life?” Beautiful.

When my clients are dreading being alone on Valentine’s Day, I challenge them to use this strategy to have a good day. When you’re present, you’re not walking down memory lane reliving a broken heart or projecting fears about being unlovable or damaged onto the future. There’s no self-consciousness or self-doubt. You find the truth, which is that all is well, and that not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t make you a loser.

You get to choose how you feel. If this approach doesn’t work for you, try exercising, or reframing your thoughts, since thoughts lead to feelings. Do whatever you can to make happiness your constant companion. Not only is it very attractive, but when you have everything you need, you can look for someone to complement your life, and not for a reason to live. 

I believe in taking risks for love. Evidence: Twice I have called complete strangers to ask for a date. I’ve never been afraid of online dating, and was on three different sites as a single. And, I have been one of the 46 percent of people, according to a 2008 survey by Vault.com, who have been involved in an office romance. My heart and hormones, for the most part, led me to take these leaps of faith, but my office romance was a calculated gamble.

Engaging in an office relationship is tricky, no matter which way you look at it. When you break up, you’ll be staring at each other every day. Not only could your professional standing be jeopardized, but you could also be violating an office policy. If you’re dating a subordinate, you could be accused of sexual harassment or giving preferential treatment. But these hazards don’t scare everybody. Twenty percent of people have met their spouse or long-term partner at work, again according to Vault.com. Pew Internet & American Life Project (2006) reports an even higher figure of 38 percent.

There’s more to think about than the risks to your career and messing with the stability of your work life. Consider the impact on the budding relationship. Engaging in a forbidden act can make it hard to know if your emotions are telling you the truth. The thrill may come from the illicit act, and not your mate. Conversely, the guilt can sour your ability to build a strong bond and trust each other. Also, when someone alters their career path for you, there’s more pressure to make it work, even if it’s not right. 

Casual office trysts are definitely a no go. Think twice if you’re feeling tempted to pursue your office crush for a casual affair. A crush is a strong attraction based on very little real knowledge of a person. When you use the office for informal dating and random sex, you risk sullying your reputation and alienating co-workers. Having clean relationships with colleagues trumps the need to create a little dating excitement.
 
You probably can agree that it makes good sense to pass up a fling with an office mate. You might find it harder to say no when you think you’re sitting next to your future husband, like I did. When you’ve both dated a lot and know yourselves and what you’re looking for, it may be hard to pass up the opportunity for a relationship with such promise. Broach the subject of dating once you know each other well and can trust how he or she will respond to and manage your offer in the workplace. Say, “Would you ever consider dating someone you work with, namely me? I know it’s risky to bring this up, but I think we know each other well enough that we can talk honestly about where we stand.” If you get a positive reaction, explore why you’re right for each other. Discuss why you respect and value each other, what you have in common, what you want from life, and whether it’s the right time to move forward. Consult office policy about dating between colleagues. Lay a foundation of good communication by creating a plan for how to take the relationship to the next level. If your relationship isn’t office approved, hold strong in your conviction about having a future together, and work out a solution. In my case, eventually he left the organization, and three months ago we married. 

We talked about all the important relationship stuff before we got engaged. Once we did, there was a greater psychic urgency to make sure we were doing the right thing. No longer was our union merely hypothetical, or fantasy. I’d be staring at that pile of clothing on the bathroom floor from now until eternity. The last-minute search for a lost wallet or car keys on his part would be a permanent fixture in my previously relatively well-organized life.
 
The process of preparing to become a permanent “we” rates high on the stress meter. Many levelheaded women transform into Bridezilla as the pressure of taking a life mate is projected onto decisions about table napkins, or whether to serve beef or the chipper chicken. As a bride in today’s world, it was hard for me not to dwell on modern divorce rates and other “cheerful” statistics, with a desire to make sure I wasn’t going to be one of them.

The bottom line is, you can’t predict whether you’re still going to love each other in 30 years, but you can look at your relationship now to determine if you have a foundation for a lasting, positive, emotional connection. Marriage is about staying open to each other and saying “yes,” rather than repeatedly shutting down and out.
 
It’s imperative, if you want an emotional connection for the long haul, to say what you need, rather than criticize. As a single, I knew I needed someone with good relationship skills. When I first met my husband, I noticed that he was a good listener, direct, kind and calm. I felt safe to say what I needed. I worried about hurting his feelings when I told him that I preferred short hair over his long hair, but he appreciated my direct approach. He was relieved I didn’t create some emotional drama about it. His ego wasn’t bruised and he decided to cut his hair. I was grateful and it brought us closer, which was a good sign. 

One of the greatest gifts you can give your spouse is to listen and respond when she tells you how your behavior affects her. When my boyfriend cut his hair for me, it was an egoless act.  He was secure enough to know that having short hair at my request wouldn’t compromise who he was. He wanted to become closer and knew this would help. How do you and your fiancé do with putting aside your ego to respond to a need, say I’m sorry, or to take responsibility for your actions? This is crucial for keeping walls from building, and healing and resolving problems.

In every relationship, it’s normal to have moments when you feel affection and others when you wonder how the hell you ended up together. You will get stuck in ruts. The key is to be able to pull yourself out. Get ready now by noticing the topics of conversation or activities that get the chemistry going again. This is like money in the bank that you can draw on when you need to feel closer. Shared goals beyond those of raising kids and creating financial security will enrich and sustain your marriage. Collectively valued knowledge and learning, personal growth, or spiritual enlightenment, can provide connective material for years to come.   

New Year’s Eve is an extrovert’s dream holiday. You party all night long in Time Square or some other overly crowded place and kiss strangers at midnight. As an introverted single, I would never do these things unless I had a lot of alcohol. Result: New Year’s was always a mixed bag. Going to a bar to try to generate relationships with complete strangers takes a

lot of energy, and did I mention alcohol? Luckily, only once did I spend way too much money on a crappy club party, watered down drinks, and a midnight breakfast with the hope of meeting someone special. I would rather have spent the time dancing and dining with a small group of friends.

Why didn’t I do what I really wanted? I blame it on a whole list of “shoulds.” The two biggies were: “I should get out and try to meet someone,” and “I don’t feel like I have a lot of options, so I should take whatever plans I can get.” My social life was in flux and any plan was better than no plan at all.

I’m an advocate for doing what you really want on New Year’s, but if you can’t let yourself off the big party hook, be kind to yourself.  Many a party I berated myself for not being a social butterfly, bouncing from person to person. Try not to compare yourself to the extroverts. They need a high level of face time to feel energetic. They can stand in a group throwing out jokes, quips and one-liners at the speed of lightning and get more and more energized by it. Extroverts use their short-term memory, so when they think something it pops out of their mouth simultaneously. Introverts tend to wilt in this situation. Our one-liners come from our long-term memory, and by the time we come up with our witty reply, the conversation has moved on.

Engaging in a deeper conversation with one person is a comfy situation for an introvert. Learn to spot other introverts to chat with.  They’ll be relieved to be exempt from working the room, too. Also, try to find yourself a chair—you’ll feel more content and grounded if you can sit down. 

If you run into someone worth meeting, it’s golden if you can get introduced. If not, consider taking the initiative. Being an introvert doesn’t mean you can’t be assertive. You’ll just want to break the interaction into small chunks. Make eye contact and smile when you’re one on one at the food table. A little later, say hello and smile. Think of a few easy comments to make, initiate chit-chat again, and introduce yourself. Move away to regroup and breathe. After some time, say hello again and have a longer conversation. You’ll feel like old friends by the end of the night. 

There are plenty of resources out there for introverts to help you succeed in social situations. The trick is to look for strategies that take advantage of your strengths, which may be very different from an extrovert’s social strengths. While they might meet more people, you probably can get to a deeper level of interaction very quickly. For more on this, I frequently recommend The Introvert Advantage: How to Thrive in an Extrovert World, by Marti Laney, to my clients. 

Having “the talk” is about as fun as having your nose hairs plucked with a dull pair of needle-nosed pliers. It’s not for the faint of heart. You open yourself up to some uncomfortable moments with someone you don’t know well. You may hear unpleasant things like, “Your cologne smells like cat urine” or “I’m secretly attracted to your best friend” in return. 

No one is an expert at it right off the bat. On my first attempt, I accused my date of being soulless, which I cited as the reason we shouldn’t go on a third date. I didn’t know him, he was obviously offended and I claimed the title of The Date From Hell. In truth, I wasn’t attracted to him. I didn’t want to see him again and I didn’t want to dodge his phone calls. I thought I would put the whole thing to rest quickly by ripping off the band aid. Needless to say, this was not my finest hour.

Enter Sam (names have been changed to protect the innocent). Our first date was set, but I was having buyer’s remorse. There was no chemistry. After much consultation with my patient friend Andrew, I screwed up the courage to call and deliver the truth. This time, I managed to tell it straight: I didn’t feel a lot of chemistry and so I didn’t feel right about getting together. Phew. There was no ugly scene. He was gracious, I was gracious, and it was done. No hiding from him in the aisles of Kroger.

I didn’t always choose a straight approach. I had a history as a classic avoider. Nobody likes to deliver a surprise blow to the ego. Everyone’s worried about hurting feelings. My turning point came after I had my heart broken. We’d dated for approximately nine months and never once had a conversation about our relationship. I was blindsided and wanted to avoid a repeat performance, so I decided I needed to learn some communication skills. I didn’t have the energy for game playing anymore.

My desire for honesty didn’t make up for my complete lack of skill. I muddled through with the help of my man pal who became my sideline coach. When you’re in the thick of it, telling the truth without hurting feelings seems impossible, and it’s good to have reinforcements.

These days, I recommend an approach coined by Susan Campbell, author of Truth in Dating: Finding Love by Getting Real, which supports what I learned. Talk about your concern for their feelings and your desire to tell the truth along with the lack of chemistry. Conveying that you care is key for making the truth a little easier to swallow. 
 
Some of the sweetest “endings” come from taking responsibility for your part in the drama. “I know I said yes to our date. I wasn’t aware enough in the moment to tell you the truth because all I could think about was not hurting your feelings. I’ve stepped back and realize I owe it to you to be straight and tell you I don’t feel chemistry.” Honesty like this is endearing. Maybe you’ll salvage the relationship enough to have a pleasant conversation during a chance encounter in the Christian’s Pizza line. After all, Charlottesville is a very small town.

Marya Choby is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Dating Coach in Charlottesville (www.maryachoby.com) who helps singles navigate the world of dating and find love.

I always knew I wanted to create a deeply satisfying relationship where I felt really understood by my partner. I was determined not to settle for less and knew it would take time to find it. But negotiating sex was one of the most challenging aspects of putting myself into the dating world over and over again.

There are all different types of sex. Sometimes, there’s “get over your ex” sex, and there’s “it feels good now” sex, and “we’re in love” sex. It’s easy to think that all kinds of sex are “we’re in love” sex because initially, they feel exactly the same thanks to an army of hormones. Hormones that make you feel high, bond with your sex partner, and blind you to the reality of your mate. 

Is it bad to mistake good sex for love, you ask? Yes, if it leads you to try and force a relationship to work even when it’s not right. But there’s a way to keep your head in the game when you’re in the hormone haze. Check out David Steele’s book Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life in Today’s World. He says knowing what you need in a relationship prior to going out on that date will help you clarify what’s going on.
 
To know what you need, start by identifying deal breakers from past relationships. Steele calls them “relationship requirements,” and you probably have between eight and 12 of them. They are so powerful that if one isn’t met, your relationship will eventually end. They range from things like “I want to feel heard and deeply understood by my partner” to “my partner and I must share the desire to have kids.” You have expectations about how your relationship should work. Writing them down makes it more likely they’ll be fulfilled.

Keep your requirements in mind when you’re feeling starry-eyed. Look for signs your date can create the type of relationship you want. If they can, they may be sponge worthy. 

How do you slow down physical stuff when there’s a strong attraction? Be deliberate about it. Decide how long you want to know someone before having sex. Have dates during daytime hours, drive yourself to dates and don’t spend time in each other’s homes, which can lead to prolonged makeout sessions. Limit the length of dates and don’t see each other every day. Get out of their force field and check in with your gut to see if their words and actions match. Tell your friends about your date and get their perspective. If you leave something out in your description, that’s a red flag. 

“But that’s no fun,” you say. Yes, but more time not having sex means more time to gather info to see if you’re a real match, which in turn means lasting desire and attraction. It’s like choosing to eat at the Ivy Inn rather than McDonald’s. You spend more, but get a high quality experience that is good for you on multiple levels. Eat local, anyone? 

Marya Choby is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Dating Coach in Charlottesville (www.maryachoby.com) who helps singles navigate the world of dating and find love.

In 2003, I’d been dating a guy for about a month and I was tired from the yo-yo dating. You know how this goes; I’d be interested, he’d be MIA. I’d lose interest and he was backon the scene again. I see this over and over again. Dates that almost happen, punctuated by periods of near communication: “Another text message, what does that mean?” It feels like playing a game, and it’s one of the reasons that dating is hard and leaves you feeling vulnerable. Undoubtedly, there are moments of when you think, “What am I doing wrong?” and “Am I good enough?”

What is at the heart of this dynamic?  It could be that one or both of you aren’t fully ready for a relationship. No wonder the pendulum swings back and forth.

What keeps a person from being fully open and ready? In a nutshell, unresolved stuff that dominates your attention and emotion, both consciously and unconsciously: a recent heartbreak or lingering feelings for someone else; divorce and separation; death of a loved one;  unresolved issues with parents or family members; legal or work problems; physical, mental or emotional problems.

How do you tell if you’re ready and open? Listen to your words. If you find yourself saying things like:
 
•  “I’m afraid of being hurt”
•  “I’m afraid of hurting her”
•  “I always date the wrong people”
•  “Few people get me”

then you may have some walls up. Moreover, you might find yourself dating people who are in the same place. It makes sense that subconsciously you’d be interested in others who aren’t fully open. If neither of you have the emotional energy for a relationship, you get to have some socialization without pressure to nurture and sustain intimacy.

Say you are shutting down when it comes to love. What can you do? Take time to get your life in order, get closure, and get clear about your patterns. Patterns help you feel safer in vulnerable situations but don’t necessarily get you where you want to go. You might notice the same problems come up repeatedly in your relationships, like always dating people who aren’t willing to be monogamous. You might repeatedly accept less than what you really want because you’re worried no one else will take interest in you. Break patterns by doing the opposite of what you usually do, like ending a relationship with someone who can’t offer monogamy. It will feel risky and awkward at first. You’ll find yourself face to face with your fear that others won’t find you desirable. By taking your fear on, you’ll develop new ways of dealing with it, and will no longer need to try to find a way to be O.K. with non-monogamy.

In 2003, there were a couple of things occupying my emotional space, including the recent break-up of a serious live-in relationship and the passing of my father the year before. I wasn’t running on full cylinders and wasn’t fully conscious of it. That’s the tricky thing about dating. So much of the dynamics are below the surface that we’re not fully aware of what’s standing in the way. Get started by always listening to your gut, and never ever beat yourself up.