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Living

Finding love, finding balance

“It’s so hard to meet people.” 

“There are no good singles left.”

“Time is running out.”

As a dating coach, I hear this over and over again, and my response is always the same: “Don’t give up. You can have the relationship you want.”
 
Some of you are nodding hopefully. But others are skeptical and thinking, “I’m not so sure, lady.” In my experience—dating for the last 12 years, working as a therapist for 10, and specializing in dating coaching for the last two years—some people maintain hope about finding love, even after a failed marriage or two. Others just cannot help but be doubtful.
 
Some singles call me and wonder what they’re doing wrong. Others want to break a pattern; they’re repeatedly attracted to the wrong person or they give away their power. And then the biggest problem of all is what I call a lack of a “balanced approach to dating.”

This lack of balance plays out in several ways. On the left hand, you may be “yin” in your approach, or a “soft touch.” You’re very open, and get emotionally attached easily and early. You see the good in someone, which makes it hard to listen to your gut and set limits or say goodbye. You may find yourself in the role of counselor. It feels scary to say what you need, fearing it will hurt a good thing. You might have sex early with hopes it will lead to a lasting relationship. 

On the right hand are those who are “yang.” You keep the doors to your dating life closed; you’re private and want to protect your heart. You feel that few people can really “get” you. It takes a while to let people in. You may attract people who take time to open up. You notice the faults of your date and you figure that’s evidence of why it won’t work. You may be easily hurt and not sure how to talk about it without getting angry. You, too, may have sex early.

What about balanced daters? You fall in the middle. You know who you are and what you want and need. You listen to your gut and say goodbye to people who are unavailable, needy, or who just aren’t a match. You want openness and honesty and give it assertively. You know sex creates emotional attachment and wait to get physical until you know someone first. 

In my experience, few of us are balanced daters right out of the starting blocks. We usually have strengths and weaknesses. The key to achieving balance is to see yourself as a student of relationships. With each person, you learn a bit more about yourself, what you need, and how to find equilibrium. With each person you date you get a little closer to finding the right relationship, a relationship that’s so right you feel the support you need to become the best version of yourself.
 
With this new C-VILLE column, Today’s Date, I strive to help you discover the road to balance, love, and a life of happiness and fulfillment. If you’re single in Charlottesville, or even if you’re part of a committed partnership, or maybe on your way toward one, I’m here to serve you. My goal? To encourage—never to lecture—and to support you to use your strengths to create the love and life you want.