Author: scott-weaver-2

So I woke up yesterday, looked at the news and then wandered out to have a cup of coffee and see what a world without George Carlin might look like.

I spent my first 18 years of life being vaguely aware that Rufus of Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure also did stand-up. Then, on the first day of my News Writing class in college, my professor Richard Roth showed Carlin’s bit on the language of flying from Jamming In New York. ("Fuck you, I’m getting in the plane.")

That was it. I got my first couple VHS recordings that Christmas, bought the rest of his stuff on CD and spent that year walking around with a Discman listening to Carlin sing "Muhammad Ali, Muhammad Ali."

I fairly tortured my freshman-year roommate with daily viewings of "Back In Town."  Subsequent roommates didn’t get off much easier. (Sorry about that, folks.) I spent a summer in Philly memorizing "You Are All Diseased," which proved fairly prophetic two years later in September of 2001.

Looking around the local web, it looks like some other folks had similar reactions to mine.

Cripsy Duck had the obvious and appropriate headline.

The United State of Jamerica actually had two posts, the second one highlighting yet another example of Carlin’s continued relevance. (And if you’re not reading USOJ daily, why the hell not?)

Jen Sorensen, whose cartoon Slowpoke runs in C-VILLE, linked to Carlin’s living catalog of dirty words.

Jen on the Edge links to the routine that made its way out of the clubs and all the way to the Supreme Court—Outskirts Guy posts the video.

Most of the people referenced Carlin’s "Seven Words You Can Never Use on Television" routine, and that’s certainly his most famous one. But the one that always stuck with me the most, especially as I sat through meetings around here with environmentalists patting themselves on the back for creating such a green community (and that’s no small accomplishment, don’t get me wrong), was this one.

In summation: The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

1. Regarding the $7.5 million plan to rebrick the Downtown Mall, what’s the biggest issue?
    a. Removing Miller’s patrons from Mall long enough to do the job.
    b. Whether bricks are environmentally friendly.
    c. Whether bricks are high-heel friendly.
    d. The size of bricks.

2. What did the Albemarle County School Board do recently that may have the county’s Board of Supes and Charlottesville City Council following suit?
    a.Introduce cheap whiskey at meetings running more than two hours.
    b. Efficiency study.
    c. Take salsa lessons to rekindle spark.
    d. Laughter yoga.

3. How much will UVA’s new video screen at Scott Stadium cost?
    a. $2.4 million.
    b. $5 million.
    c. $1.3 million (display model).
    d. Traded a bicycle pump and bookshelf for it on Craigslist.

Don’t know what the hell Juneteenth is? Now you do.

There’s a story in today’s Post about the restoration of voting rights for felons, something that I covered last month. Simply put, Virginia is one of the two most punitive states in the county—felons lose their right to vote for life.

When he was governor, Mark Warner set up a process through which felons can restore their voting rights. Current governor Tim Kaine is making this a priority.

Of course, the GOP doesn’t like this. The Post has a quote from Republican state Delegate Todd Gilbert saying:

So Del. Gilbert doesn’t know a lot of young Republicans who ended up convicted of felonies. Well he must have not know these folks.

Anyway, I just got an e-mail from someone who was trying to find information on how to restore voting rights, so I thought I’d post it. Here’s Virginia’s site that has the the necessary forms to restore voting rights. It’s not an easy process, so if you need help, the Virginia Organizing Project is a good place to go.

No need to bother asking me about being Barack Obama’s Vice President, Mark Warner told about 2,000 delegates at the state convention. If offered the VP spot on Obama’s ticket, Warner will say no.

On Sunday, The Washington Post reported on Warner’s speech at the Democratic state convention, quoting him as saying, "Let me be clear about this: I have been working very hard these last few months to ask the people of Virginia to give me the honor of being their United States senator. I will not seek, and I will not accept, any other opportunity."

That’s been Warner’s standard answer to questions about his VP potential, though his speech on Saturday spelled out his intentions in starkly clear language.

There was an eyebrow-raising moment a little further into the story, however. Here’s the juicy part:

So does this mean that Grisham, Democratic bigwig that he is, isn’t going to vote for Obama? Not donating to the campaign is one (self-defeating) thing. But to sit at home or—gasp—vote for John McCain is quite another.

If it’s the national media’s misogyny that’s making these folks sit on their hands, perhaps they’d like to take all look at The Maverick’s position on women’s issues.

You people are goddamn killing me. For months, when this News Quiz was buried on the front page, hundreds of folks responded. But now that it’s here on The Spiral—nothing.

After another week of zero guesses, I didn’t even bother to post the answers. You made me do that. This is your fault.

O.K., maybe the motivation of a vegan hotdog doesn’t quite hold the appeal that I thought it might. I’m willing to admit some mistakes. It’s just … I don’t mean to yell. I  just want our relationship to work so badly that it hurts sometimes. I’m sorry, I’m sorry.

I can do better. I swear. Give me another chance. Look, I can make it up to you. This week, the first person who ventures even a one guess on one question will get his or her choice of CDs.*

Let’s make this work.

O.K., I feel better. So, um, you hungry? Do you want to go grabs some food or something? Maybe we can get takeout and watch a movie? Wow, I feel so much better. Here’s the News Quiz.

1. When the city’s Director of Neighborhood Development Services, Jim Tolbert, says, "Some of them just don’t get it," to whom is he referring?
    a. Bad neighbors.
    b. Sign-happy Realtors.
    c. Creationists.
    d. Doubters of the conspiracy theory that Christopher Marlowe actually wrote the majority of Shakespeare’s works.

2. Why has Charlottesville bus ridership increased since September?
    a. UVA folks get free rides.
    b. Binge drinking becoming more socially acceptable.
    c. Hot drivers.
    d. Buses started playing those shitty jam bands the people seem to like so much during rides.

3. When Ross Carew says, "Just because it sounds and feels good doesn’t mean it’s effective," to what is he referring?
    a. The movie "Juno."
    b. Whistling of spring wind through pines.
    c. The Offender Aid and Restoration program.
    d. The Dave Matthews Band.

* Your choices are 1) "The Groove Boutique: Volume One (a seamless blend of smooth jazzy groves) and 2) "Solar Igniter" by Modereko (still in its orginial, 2003, shrink wrap!). This is no way implies delivery of said CD to winner. Promotion may end at any time and without notice. Employees of C-VILLE Weekly are not eligible to win, nor are family members of employees, off-and-on acquaintances,  jam band members,  people over the age of 15 with emo haircuts, anyone who owns a yoga mat, poets, professional whistlers or mountain bikers. CDs not recommended for people with decent musical taste.

It looks like the local kerfuffle du jour has made its way to, of all places, Baltimore. John Woestendiek, a reporter at the Baltimore Sun, posted about Albemarle County’s decision to begin fining owners of obnoxious dogs.

Woestendiek basically offers a gloss of the ordinance that the Board of Supervisors passed on June 11. It says that a neighbor who’s pissed off at a dog that won’t stop barking has legal recourse. This involves the simple process of trekking on down to the magistrate’s office, swearing out a warrant, providing proof that the dog in question barked for longer than 30 minutes without—and I’ll quote from the ordinance here—"cessation of such sound for time periods greater than five minutes during the thirty consecutive minutes."

The ordinance, however, doesn’t specify what kind of proof is needed. Picture, if you will, a judge having to listen to a recording of a dog barking for half an hour. If it were me, I’d probably be inclined to lock up  anyone who records such things. 

Woestendiek doesn’t offer much in the way of commentary, but there is no dearth of that in the local media. I’ve got a story coming out Tuesday of Dog Barking Commentary’s greatest hits.

There was one, though, that was utterly unsurprising. It pops up whenever a local government around here (I’m looking at you, Albemarle County) tries to institute some kind of ordinance that most places with more than three people per square mile passed some time before the Battle of the Bulge—say, like "No shooting guns in the general direction of children" or "No more than four armadillos per apartment patio." In fact, when I heard about the proposed ordinance, I wondered low long it would take to emerge.

Not long. Joanne Hayden, take it away:

“Tonight I feel like I am moving into the People’s Republic of Albemarle.”

Ms. Hayden spoke thus at the BoS meeting. Look, I know we think we’re being really clever when we compare Charlottesville to Communist China, but I wonder if we can decide, as a people, that this rhetorical devise is overused and ultimately boring. Let’s put a stop to the "People’s Republic of Whatever." It’s just so … I don’t know … Cold War-ish.

But don’t worry, people. I’m not going to leave you without means to compare sensible government to murderous authoritarian regimes. What fun would that be?

So I propose a new devise for those who want to keep government off our backs and out of our barnyards. I actually stole it from my girlfriend’s uncle. He calls Charlottesville "Charlottastan," as in Afghanistan, Pakistan and all those others ‘stans where grumpy fundamentalists grow beards and make life miserable.

It believe it also works with the county … "Albemarlastan." Not quite as catchy, but functional. Kind of like the county.

So, whadaya say? Can we make that switch? Beside, Communism is so pre-September 11 in terms of culturally referencing totalitarianism. Be a pioneer. Be a patriot. Be the first one to use either sobriquet at a public meeting or letter to the editor.

You may want to find another place to grab a couple hostages.

The Charlottesville Police Department S.W.A.T. team took first place at the Virginia Annual S.W.A.T. Competition. Twenty-one teams from Virginia, Pennsylvania and South Carolina competed in the 8th annual contest. The Albemarle County Police Department’s team placed third.

"I am extremely proud of their skill, tenacity, strength and remarkable team
work," says Police Chief Tim Longo via e-mail. "In part, I believe their accomplishment is a testament to the level of time and energy they put into the training both individually and as a team."

The Harrisonburg Police Department hosts the competition each year. This was the first time that Charlottesville’s S.W.A.T team took part in the competition. S.W.A.T. team members were required to master military-type events that involve shooting, running and navigating an obstacle course.

"We’ve been training for the last three months for this," Sergeant L.A. Durrette told Harrisonburg’s Daily News Record. "We tried to focus on the shooting and physical parts."

"The S.W.A.T. Team is a critical resource to both the department and the community," Longo says. "It’s the kind of resource that while it is not deployed on a regular basis,  it is extremely important during high risk situations."

Don’t expect to find any pot around here for a long, long time. According to The Daily Progress, a Scottsville woman pleaded guilty to growing more than 50 marijuana plants.

In what has to be the most over-reaching quote ever from a U.S. District Attorney, Julia C. Dudley said in a statement, “By stopping those individuals who grow illegal drugs, we are cutting off the distribution of drugs at the source.”

Now we know. The source of pot is a woman in her 40s growing about 50 plants in Scottsville. One Scottsville woman down, about one million cartels to go.

By the way, the 46-year-old woman faces a maximum of 20 years in federal prison and a $1 million fine.

1. How many Cavs did major league teams snag in this year’s MLB draft?
    a. Three.
    b. Six.
    c. Two.
    d. Sixty-two.

2. While talking about transportation, what did former city councilor Kevin Lynch call "the least bad alternative?"
    a. Hot air balloons.
    b. Building Eastern Connector through Pen Park.
    c. Monorail.
    d. Issuing Hummers to all county residents.

3. Thanks to the NGIC expansion, what is the minimum number of jobs Albemarle County will gain?
    1. Tens upon tens.
    2. 1,000.
    3. 500.
    4. Number classified.